Why can’t I just die

Joydean

Today this is what my dh asked me. I took my time before asking him what he meant. He has such a hard time trying to get even a few words out. Most of the time I know what he’s wanting to say so I help him, but this time I waited. He said because I’m useless, I can’t talk, can’t make it to bathroom, can’t think right, can’t even take a shower by myself, I’m just useless. You have to do so much for me. He didn’t seem upset or sad just matter of fact.like it was just a question he was asking me. He takes meds for depression and most of the time he seems fairly content. I can get him to laugh and he’s calm most of the time. This was the longest conversation we’ve had in a very long time. He has no short term memory now. I don’t think he’s suicidal, he feels as though he’s dying and just wants it to hurry up and happen. I really was surprised that he even realized all that he honestly can’t do. Can they really “feel “ like their time is getting shorter?  I don’t know what to think about all that he was saying. Any one have any experience with this? Please share. Thank you.

60 falcon

It must have been nice to be able to have a conversation with him, even though the topic was sad.

My wife didn't go into detail like your husband did, but there were two or three times she said things like " I know everybody dies, but am I going to die?".  She would say that she was useless and couldn't do anything. I believe she was talking about dieing from Alzheimer's.  I also believe she could somehow sense her time was coming to the end.  And it did, much sooner than I expected.

Just Bill

My wife has those days where she gets depressed. She knows how this ends and she sometimes cannot see the point to continue existing. I often think how I would respond to a dementia diagnosis. I tell her all you have is the moment. If you are happy in this moment you are happy. Because she has no short term memory and no way of anticipating the future she is locked into the moment. I tell her to embrace the right now because that is what you know is real. I do my best to make her happy and cheer her up with mindfulness but I wonder if that advice would work for me if the situation were reversed. I hope so because mindfulness is really the only tool in my toolbox to keep my own emotions in check. Her dark days are when she gets really tired and they do pass quickly. I am thankful that over all she is happy. I hope the ability to foresee her own death is something that goes to the same place her short term memory went so she doesn't have to think about it. Early on right after her diagnosis she just wanted to hurry up and get on with death if this is what it is. Now that she is pretty far along those thoughts are not coming up as much. Again I don't really know what my reaction would be if I were diagnosed with dementia. Especially after having been a caregiver and seeing what happens. I may want to check out too. It may be a totally normal reaction. They might just be putting up a good game face for us but secretly wishing the end would come. I have read the closer people get to death the more comfortable they are with it. And in their impaired state death may be just another delusion they are adventuring. All I know is this a lot for my tiny brain to process.

Joydean

Thank you Falcon. That’s what I was wondering about do they somehow know. I have never used the Alzheimer’s word in front of him but he does know something is very wrong. I’m sorry about your wife. His doctor puts him mid to late 6 stage. I was also surprised at the words he actually said. It was nice to hear that much from him, wish it could have been different words. 

Thank you for sharing with me. It’s very helpful. 

Joydean

Just Bill , you are right this moment is all we have. Kinda what I tell my husband, let’s just enjoy right now. I don’t want him to get to stage 7 but I don’t want him to go either. I know none of that is my choice. It’s all in Gods hands. I do know that if I had this disease I do not want to be a burden to my kids. 

Thank you for sharing with me. 

M1

Oh Joydean, that must have been heartrending.  But the synapses were firing for a few minutes, weren't they?  Bless you both.  I know for a fact my partner would also rather die than live like she's living.  I am glad you had that moment of connection and insight, too.  So many mysteries to all of this.

Michael Ellenbogen

 Many of us who live with this disease think about this all the time. We just don’t always share it.

Ed1937

Many times my wife said "Why don't I just die? I can't even talk anymore." There were many other things she couldn't do, but she wouldn't mention them. But I don't think she ever felt like her time was coming. When she had a gastrointestinal bleed, she cried in pain, and we got morphine in her IV pretty quickly. In no time she closed her eyes, and never opened them again. When that happened, did she know her time was near? I don't know.

saltom

My DH who suffers from anxiety, OCD and depression often states he wishes he could just die now in the long term care facility where he has been for the past 5 weeks.  In the past he has been so afraid of dying that I knew he would  never try to kill  himself, now I am not so sure. He constantly expresses anxiety over his brain not functioning and memory loss.  He wants to see  his doctor to have it all made better.  He has said he is living with nothing but fear about dying, about living, about money, about my safety, about our pets' safety. You name it, he's afraid of it.  It's very hard to see him this way. Somebody explained dementia like a light bulb burning out. Sometimes it's still bright, sometimes it flickers, sometimes it goes out, then comes on again, until it finally burns out for good. Those times of dementia awareness must be the flickering.

Joydean

M1, Michael and Ed thank you. 

This morning my husband again asked me the same question. No other conversation except to ask that I not leave him, just say by me. That broke my heart. The caregiver came today and I had planned to go to the grocery store, but I didn’t. When she asked David how he was doing he told her he was waiting to die. I’m having a hard time with this new behavior. 

Thank you for responding to me. 

piozam13

 When DH fell the second time, I told him to stay put while I call for an ambulance.  When I got back to him, he showed me he had dirtied his underpants, and said, 'This is it for me, I'm done.'  He somehow knew he no longer had control and didn't like to live that way.  He was gone, died of COVID a week later in January 2021.