Family member taking advantage

Hollyflower36

I just found out my niece went shopping with my mother that has Alzheimer’s. It was the end of Dec. When I saw the charges, I thought my mothers card had been stolen. My mother spent $1300. 1,000 on herself for a black leather jacket and pants. She’s 82 for gods sake! She thinks she looks like Sandy from grease! Good Lord! and $300 for my niece’s jeans and tops. My niece and I just got into a huge argument. She doesn’t think she did anything wrong. She knows my mothers mental state and knows better.

We watch my mothers finances because she needs them for her care.  My niece is 24 college educated and working but she only comes over when she wants money.  I have talked to her before about this a few months ago and she did it again. 

What do I do in this situation? I am so upset and said things to her I now regret.I was a total bitch to her, Which hardly ever happens.  I just get so angry, have no help and no support. I do everything I can to try to protect my mom. Now, I have to try to return the leather outfit, where in the world is she going to wear it. I told my niece that she should return it, it’s not my issue to clean up. She knew better than to let mom buy that outfit. She won’t and doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Sigh…..What to do?

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Hollyflower36

Thank You for your reply. My eldest brother has POA of her finances at my request. He watches every penny. I asked him control it so as a caregiver I wouldn’t be blamed for anything regarding her finances. I have her debit card for groceries and so she can’t withdraw cash. she still has her credit card in case of emergency. I order most of the household and personal needs from Amazon which he has the password to, so he can see what has been purchased. He pays her bills and can see all purchases in her accounts. All receipts are kept.

I have mentioned taking her credit card away but he won’t do it. He is not around and doesn’t visit often. My siblings have made no other effort to help or visit . They don’t understand how far she has declined because they are not with her everyday. So  they think she is still fine to have the card, saying it’s her money so she can spend it how she wants. 

But when issues like me this arise, I am the one who gets the call and blamed for not looking out for her. Told over and over she will run out of money. I am there Mon-Thus. And her companion is with her Thus night through Sun. So this happens when I’m not there. 

God! It’s exhausting!

harshedbuzz

Hollyflower-

This is why the POA for financials needs to be in the hands of the one who is overseeing actual care IMO. Nobody else gets it.

If she's spending money in ways that could impact her eligibility to Medicaid down the line when her own assets are spent down, your brother is not acting prudently on her behalf and needs to step up. Her credit needs to be blocked asap in order that mom can't be co-signing loans.

HB

mommyandme (m&m)

I partnered with my brother for my moms care.  I was her hands on primary caregiver while he took care of her financials out of state.  I didn’t want the burden of watching the money.  When mom was still spending on her own and living alone he was the one that had to take care of shutting down her bank account due to scams and redid everything three times over.  It fell to him naturally. That worked very well for us.  I must say that he trusted me completely and visa versa.  He also deferred to me with her caregiving needs and paid for whatever I deemed necessary. I would tell him what I spent but he also got alerts when her card was used.  We both wish mom would’ve used her money for a full life when she had one but she just wouldn’t spend on herself.  Eventually she didn’t know any better. 

As far as your mom being in possession of her card, just take it away.  If those that care aren’t there, how would they know.  You being the hands on caregiver should gain you the opportunity to make these decisions.  Would giving her a card with a low limit or letting her have small amount of cash on hand suffice?  Maybe a family meeting should take place, especially since decline can be a daily occurrence, even with minute changes.  

You can always apologize to your niece if you feel the need. Explaining how stressful things can be may be a reason for your “outburst”, if it even was an outburst.  Is your sibling (her parent) involved at all? 

Sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope you all can work well together going forward. 

AZ-daughter

Hollyflower36 Not sure your mom's financial situation but seems odd they think a $1300 shopping spree is ok and normal? Uggh I feel your frustration! I haven't looked into this yet but someone suggested today getting my Dad a True Link credit card - you can set spending limits and even block certain types of purchases (like airline tickets) If your brother wants her to have money this seems like a good compromise. 

As harshedbuzz pointed out, if your Mom needs Medicaid assistance in the future they could track back large expenses and demand that money back. You are right about protecting the money she has for her care. Good luck, hope you can get your brother on the same page.

Hollyflower36

Thank you for your kind advice. Four brothers, they are not supportive or involved at all with the exception of the eldest. He sees her maybe twice a year. The others live in the same city and they don’t visit often either. I talked to her and she agreed to let me take her card. Thank God! I’ve just decided to do what I have to do to keep her safe and taken care of.

MN Chickadee

Sigh. Having the non-caregiver as the POA is a recipe for strife and struggles. Whoever has to deal with the day to day fall out of decisions,behavior, and consequences should make the decisions.  Is there any way to change it to you? Are you designated second? 

Your mother's brain is too compromised to understand how and when she should spend money, or accept your decisions designed to protect her.  You will have to find therapeutic fibs and workarounds. I would give her a small amount of cash in her purse "for emergencies" (but should she really be out alone without a caregiver anyway to need it?) I would report her cards stolen, have new ones shipped to you and you keep them safe and away from her and the niece. Tell the POA brother to lock her credit with the three agencies to protect her from scammers. This is something he really needs to do as the legal POA to protect her assets for her future care. Life savings can and have disappeared to scammers preying on people with dementia. Or the PWD makes a really bad decision and loses it in legal ways (gambling, bad investments, buying something inappropriate etc.)  Tell the niece that the attorney has said grandma cannot gift any money because it will affect her ability to pay for Medicaid and pay for long term care when she needs it. There truly are laws surrounding this regarding Medicaid as well as vulnerable adults' finances. And I would not allow unsupervised visits or outings with the niece, just use whatever excuse or explanation you have to. Or at least if she does take your mom out send mom without any money other than cash to cover her own lunch. I put dummy cards in my mom's wallet to make her feel like it was normal like the ones you get in junk mail, her AAA card, library card etc. Unfortunately you will probably find the niece stops coming around when the money is no longer available.

Jill N

whoever has legal control of those finances needs to take away that card asap.  it doesnt matter if it ruffles anyones feathers.

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AZ-daughter

MN Chickadee wrote:

Tell the POA brother to lock her credit with the three agencies to protect her from scammers. This is something he really needs to do as the legal POA to protect her assets for her future care. 

I am wondering if I need to do this for my dad. Does locking their credit affect using credit cards?

H1235

There is something called adult protective services. Kind of like child protective services. But your niece could get in a lot of trouble. Then would your mom be mad at you. I’m having similar problems.

eaglemom

You are trying to handle several things all at once. Yes, your brothers 'should' step up and help, but that doesn't seem like its going to happen. The niece did know better than to spend or let spend, however you look at it, that money. But she chose to charge it again. Therein is a huge problem, IMO. Just because your mom gave you her credit card doesn't mean the niece won't take your mom and open another credit card. Put a dollar limit on the card you took. Next I'd freeze your mom's credit. I'm not totally certain, but I don't believe any new cards can be opened on a frozen account. Now you can take a deep breath.

I am glad your oldest brother is watching the money, one less thing on you. It seems in so many families one or two kids step up to help their parents and the others back away. I sure wish it wasn't that way.

eagle

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