SIL with Signs of Dementia

MaryG123

My older brother and SIL are visiting for a month, and I’m noticing that she is showing signs of mild dementia.  They are in their mid 70s.   She has poor short term memory, remembers things that didn’t happen, and has become short tempered and irritable.  She laughs inappropriately and, yesterday, refused to wear shoes.  My brother says nothing is wrong and she’s just tired.  He had a strokes many years ago and is fairly dependent on her.  She has told me that she manages their finances and she does most of the driving.  I don’t know whether or not to keep trying to convince my brother that there’s a problem, or what to say.  I’m still shocked by the changes since they visited last year.  Advice?

Quilting brings calm

Do they have any children?  Does  she have any siblings.  If so, I would  contact one of them and express your concerns.  Along with explaining why you are concerned and how you know these things are concerning.  If you don’t know how to contact them, then make up something that convinces your brother and his wife to give you contact information. Or hunt for them on Facebook and send a private message. 

M1

I agree completely with qbc that her siblings or their children are the ones to contact, if there are any. Perhaps you could question both of them gently about their financial and legal planning, who is named as backups, that kind of thing? As a younger sibling to him you would be a natural one for them to turn to if they don't have children. You might segue into that discussion by casually somehow bringing up your own plans. Just a thought.

harshedbuzz

MaryG-

Ugh. This is a really tricky situation. On one hand, given your experience in this area, you would be the ideal person to help your brother be proactive to protect them both, but doing so could easily be construed as criticism if he's not ready to accept the hand they've been dealt as a couple. My parents and then my mom blew off my concerns about dad's symptoms as proof that I just didn't like him (which was true but not relevant) for nearly a decade until the feces hit the fan. 

It is possible that what you were seeing was the common temporary regression some PWD experience when removed from their home and familiar routines; she may be functioning at a higher level at home. If they have children, reaching out to them could go one of two ways-- it could confirm concerns they already have or it could out you as going behind your brother's back. 

In your shoes, I might visit them next time and see how things look when she's in her own space before saying something.

Good luck.
HB

MaryG123

Thank you for your thoughtful replies, Quilting, M1, and Harshbuzzed.  They have no children, but she has a younger sister who lives near them.  I think I will approach my brother with a general discussion of POAs, healthcare proxies, and aging in place, using my husband and I as examples.  It’s probably true that she functions better at home, a small condo in a familiar neighborhood.  I will also get contact info for her sister and best friend, in case I decide to reach out to them.  Your friendship is invaluable!

MN Chickadee

Is it possible for you to arrange a visit to them soon to see how they are functioning at home? And suggest a big family dinner so your SIL's sister is there? If SIL demonstrates the same signs of dementia then you will know the sister must be aware and perhaps find an opportunity to talk with her alone during the visit. Having a general conversation about aging and making sure all the ducks in a row as it relates to you is a good idea, maybe you can get a sense for whether they have done anything on that front.

MaryG123

Thank you MNChickadee.  That’s a good idea.  Unfortunately, we live in FL and they in WI, so we don’t see each other too often.