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Merla

M1

Merla, you need to read about anosognosia--it's a feature of the disease, the affected individuals are unable to perceive that anything is wrong.  Therefore, of course she would be offended that anyone suggested she need evaluation.  Not unlike you, when my partner first showed signs of confusion and memory loss, I told her I thought she might be developing Alzheimer's, thinking that she would recognize the implications of that, recognize that she needed help, and would know to defer to me when necessary.  After she reacted angrily to me, I asked our (excellent) primary care doc to talk to her, and he literally laughed.  Then helped me figure out an alternative plan.  That was nine years ago, and she still (in memory care) only occasionally realizes that there is anything wrong.

You are going to need signed HIPPA (privacy) documents for the docs to talk to you, and I doubt if the Alzheimer's people would reach out to her primary care doc---it would likely have to be the other way around.  You are also going to need durable powers of attorney for health care and for general/financial/legal matters.  A certified elder law attorney (CELA) can help prepare these if not already in place--look for names by location at nelf.org.  They can also help you and your LO with financial planning, you may need to apply for Medicaid for her in the future if her finances will not support private pay for assistance.

This is not any easy road, and I am so sorry.  But it is likely folly to expect cooperation from her.  

PS.  Just read your other post.  Congratulations on the new baby---that I take it was the reason for her recent visit with you.  But of course you couldn't really assess her, and yes, I would agree that you are not in a position to help.  But maybe you can be thinking ahead about who else in the family to discuss this with and who else could perhaps move forward on your behalf.  This sounds like it's your mother you're talking about.  Do you have siblings?  Does she have siblings?  Does her boyfriend have any legal rights in the situation, for instance, has she given him POA?  That is going to matter.

MaryG123

I would say that if you are not in a position to help, then you might need to accept that.  In my opinion, your own children need to come first.  If you become aware of a critical situation, you can report it to her local elder care services.  We all have our limits.

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dayn2nite2

Merla wrote:

I'm not surprised that the first attempt to get her an evaluation went poorly. However it came from someone who I thought could be more influential than me. 

I am the daughter of the LO so I am the logical one to address this situation. I have a brother but he also has young children, lives farther away, isn't as close to her and being honest isn't particularly observant so likely would say oh that's just her being her, ie eccentricities. 

What I have bandwidth for is trying to set her up to get the best treatment possible which is something she would want.  I also want to set her up to plan for her future. 

I have no idea as how to get this ball rolling. I really want to get ahead of this for everyone's sake. I really don't want to be left with a disaster to deal with especially since I identified the issue early  

What can I do? She is oddly secretive about her boyfriend though she sees him frequently and spends maybe half her time there  I've met him. I can't read him and he is very stand offish. I have his phone number  though. I just don't really trust him  I get a weird vibe  

I'm scared of doing this intervention wrong and then having her distance herself from me and at some point all hell will break loose  

What "treatment"?  There isn't any if it's dementia, it just progresses until death.  I'm just thinking that it's all well and good to want her to get evaluated - to what end?  You can't take her on, what is the plan if something is wrong?  She isn't going to magically accept a doctor telling her there's something wrong with her.

M1

Merla, your gut instincts are almost certainly correct . The likelihood is that it's worse than you realize.  I would call the boyfriend directly and see what kind of response you get.  

Since your mom is very organized, she may already have written documents in place. You could ask for a copy in case something happened to her. Perhaps bring it up casually, say you and your husband are doing or updating yours because of the new baby, how does hers stand, where does she keep them or does she want you to have a copy for safekeeping? That's a pretty innocent entree to the subject.

Ed1937

It's difficult for us to understand how compromised she is. Anosognosia is a real thing, and it's common with dementia and some other diseases. It is the inability to think there is anything wrong. That's not the same as denial. 

If she knows that she is having some problems, you might talk her into going for testing. There are many conditions that can mimic symptoms of dementia, and some are treatable to the point that the symptoms disappear. But this needs to be done before the damage in the brain becomes permanent. Here is a link for you. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/reversible-conditions-that-can-be-mistaken-for-dementia-476370.htm  Best of luck to you.

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MaryG123

I’m sorry to say it, but the issues you’ve described seem more advanced than early MCI.  It’s not likely that you will be able to convince her to cooperate, as her brain won’t understand.  You can no longer be the child, but the adult/parent, who makes decisions based on what’s best for her, not what she wants.  I have attached “Understanding The Dementia Experience” in case you haven’t read it.

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