She wants to go home(1)

Carrie2023

I have been caring for my mom for 5+ years now, having moved her into my house only a month ago. She has been diagnosed with moderate+ Alzheimers. My biggest stress currently is that she wants to go home. I''ve had "the conversation" with her twice now, but will likely not do that again. It stresses her out and I can tell she doesn''t understand, or doesn''t care to understand. She is more than moderately affected at this stage, and I know that at some point I will need more help, whether it be in home care or a skilled facility. There are a lot of things I have to get in order before that happens. She has a little bit of savings, but that in itself keeps her from being eligible for Medicaid - which she will need if she has to go to a nursing home. I''ve read many of the current boards/messages and they are especially helpful. I am calling an elder care attorney tomorrow to get some legal advice, but I appreciate any help I can receive from all you in the front lines. Thank you in advance!

jfkoc

Of course she wants to go  home. She is sad, confused, frustrated and her life as she has known it has been removed.

The best suggestion that I can think of is to listen. Listen for the emotion behind the words and then feel free to make up any excuse you think she will buy into as to why  you need her to stay with you today.

Google Teepa Snow "wants to go home". It will help.

Please do not try to reason or explain...that is a lose/lose.

Carrie2023

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my plight and respond! Your advice is wise and the podcast was spot on. I appreciate you.

jfkoc

Just sharing what was given to me...glad something helped!

Ed1937

It is quite common for people with dementia to "want to go home". One problem with that is that it might mean something different to different people. Two theories are that a person might want to go to their childhood home, where mom and dad are. Another might be that they want to be in a place in time when things were better. You might want to ask her to tell you about what she calls "home". "Tell me a little bit about the place you want to go to". That might give you an idea how to handle it.

CarolynATL

When my dad would ask to go home, which was usually where he grew up,  I leaned into it and asked him questions about the place and what he'd like to do when he gets there.  I got in the habit of telling him I'll bring the car tomorrow and we can drive together. Sometimes he had elaborate plans already laid out, how long it would take him and where to stop for the night.  Honestly, it was frustrating when he seemed to be on an endless loop sometimes.  Other times he'd move on for the day.  I hope this is helpful, and best wishes to you.

BassetHoundAnn

Teepa Snow offers a really wonderful podcast discussion about how to respond when a LO repeatedly asks to go home, and the different things their request might mean. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfrKFfXkedI

Last night while I was visiting my mom in the memory care I overheard two male residents in the dining room discussing their plans for how to get home, which included calling their wives to tell them to bring the car around so they could drive home. It would have been amusing if it wasn't so sad. 

Carrie2023

Thank you for your insight, I appreciate it!

Carrie2023

Thank you for sharing your experience.  I'm learning quickly to understand that she is on a repeat cycle and I need to learn how to best respond.  Appreciated!

Carrie2023

Ed: Thank you for your insight, it is helpful!

Carrie2023

Carolyn, thank you for sharing your experience, it is helpful and appreciated!

Carrie2023

BassetHoundAnn: Thank you for your response.  I have watched a couple of Teepa's videos - great stuff!

Steven1

We have have lived in the same house for 31 years and my wife has asked me several times lately when we're going home. When I asked her, I found out "home" was the house she grew up in. I was surprised at all this. Although I had read about people wanting to go back to their childhood homes I would have thought that the home she is in now would be such a long term memory that it would stick with her until a later stage of her disease.

Carrie2023

Steveland: Thank you for your input. My mom still refers to her most recent home as home, but I see glimpses of her reverting back further every now and again. Though there are lots of similar stories among those of us who care for loved ones, we all have our singular experiences and I've learned that it helps to share.  thanks again!

AllNewToThis2023

Hello. My mom has just begun her journey with dementia. So much to say and don’t know where to begin. Right now we are dealing with her wanting to go home. But she is home. My Dad has the patience of a saint. She goes from one extreme to another. Dr says that she will have to continue changing meds as they stop working, is that true?? My brothers and myself live and hour and 45 min away. But this starting to ware on our Dad.  Where do we start with trying to calm her down?  Thank u for reading and any help is appreciated!

Carrie2023

I don't think there's any quick answer here, but there are some things to help. Does your dad notice it more at certain times?  There's a symptom called sundowning where your mom may experience more of this as nightfall nears.  This is happening with my mom and I can literally see the change in her when the sun goes down.  I usually try to distract her, keep her talking, or ask her questions. There are some videos you may find helpful as I did.  More than one person has suggested Teepa Snow videos to me and they were great! I hope this helps your dad and your family.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfrKFfXkedI