New to forum. Sibling verbal abuse

Nev66 · February 2023

Good Morning. I am new to this forum and this is my first post, although I have been struggling with this issue for months. My parents live in New York, and my mother has dementia, compounded with end stage heart issues.

My parents have always lived close to my sister and for years, they took care of her children, my three nieces, and were very involved in all aspects of their lives. My sister, brother-in-law, and nieces been the benefactor of decades of help and support from my parents.

I have lived in Connecticut for almost 20 years and before my mother got sick, I continued to travel back-and-forth to New York every other weekend. For the last year and a half, my husband and I have traveled every weekend to see them. So that means, despite working six days a week, I also travel on my one day off to provide some support to my parents plus I love seeing them and spending time with them but my life is here in Connecticut. It is a very tough balancing act that is taking at all on personal, professional, and social facets.

In November 2021, my mother had a severe onset of atrial fibrillation, and this seemed to exacerbate her decline. She was holding her own until last summer, when my middle sister unexpectedly passed away. This took a toll on both of my parents. A couple of months after that, my mother fell and broke her hip. Since that incident in October, it has been a very steady decline. My sister has grown increasingly angry and verbally abusive. My sister is quite a number of years older than I am and she is a retired nurse. My nieces are now in their 30s and 40s and have significant others/families of their own. My sister keeps telling me that my nieces are picking up my slack and that I need to be there and work from my parents house. Although I do work from home, it is impossible to conduct zoom meetings, and training sessions at some points given my mothers condition. My dad really wants to keep my mother home and he has hired 24 /7 companions and is paying out of pocket. My mother is 92 and my dad is 94. He is still very much with it and physically able to get around and care for himself, but my mother is very debilitated physically and mentally. The texts I have gotten have been very disturbing. I have also shared this with my friend who is a psychologist, and she has given me wonderful advice, but I still feel as if I am losing all of my family.

I am depressed and feel like every day is Groundhog Day. We do have Ring cameras, and I am able to check in on my parents regularly. I feel guilty, not being able to do more, but I need to maintain my income stream and some sort of balance in my professional and personal life. I do not appreciate my sister saying that it is unfair to my nieces to have to deal with us as they are adults now. I know she struggles with her own anxiety issues, and she overuses her medication. I am trying to maintain some kind of civility and relationships with both her and my nieces. Any advice or guidance would be very much appreciated.

Thank you in advance

MaryG123 · February 2023

I’m sorry for your struggles Nev66. This disease often tears families apart as they fight about who should do what. All I can say is that you can’t control how your sister feels, but you can focus on how you can help your dad as he cares for your mom. Hugs to you (())

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble · February 2023

Welcome to here, you're in a good place. I am so sorry that everything is happening all at once for you and your family! That is so frustrating and disheartening. Good job hanging in as long as you have.

Does your dad need more help around the house that your nieces have to be there? If it's something feasible for you, you might be able to allocate the resources for traveling to and from your parents place and give it to him to hire more aides to take over for the girls. Maybe reach out to your nieces and ask them how best to support them given your own circumstances.

If none of this is feasible, then it might be time to convince dad to move mom into a professional facility. It seems like everyone has been worn thin and have exhausted their ability to continue giving mom the level of care she needs. This is not anyone's fault. You're not doing this to her. Dementia and all her other health issues are doing this to her. It sucks and it hurts but allowing others to take over will help free up time for both dad, yourself, and your nieces and your sister can spend time focusing on herself and getting her anxiety managed better.

Good luck. Please continue to reach out on the forums. You're not alone. ((Hugs))

M1 · February 2023

Welcome to the forum. Conflicts are common, and to be charitable about it, your sister is obviously feeling the stress too. But: at the brass tacks level, she doesn’t necessarily have the right to direct what you do. Who has power of attorney for your parents? That matters in situations such as this. If you hold POA, you may need to resign if there are needed obligations you can’t meet. Time to review written agreements or lack of them, it sounds like. I’m sorry, this is always stressful.

Stephanie Z · February 2023

Hi and welcome to the forum. I agree with a lot of what has been said, but I wonder if it is time for a family meeting. You can discuss several of the things already brought up: IE some financial support from you so Dad can hire more help, if you can do this. Another alternative, can dad take a reverse mortgage and use the money to help mom. You can also discuss the future for mom and whether the time has come for placement for her.

A family meeting would also be a place to address your sister's verbal abuse. Or think about counseling for her. She is obviously at or over her limit and stress is likely causing her bad behavior.

Jo C. · February 2023

Hello Nev66 and a very warm welcome to you. I am very sorry for all that is happening and understand how stressful this must be for you. The dementia journey is difficult and family upsets are not uncommon as sad as that is on top of everything else. Emotions often tend to run high and there can be much grief involved.

From what you have written, these are my thoughts:

It is a huge positive that while your father wishes to keep your mother at home, he has been able to hire 24/7 care aides for your mother and that he is strong both physically and mentally. That is really great.

I am trying to understand, with 24/7 hands-on care aides, why your much older sister has made the decision that she, or one of her adult daughters or you needs to be at the house for significant lengths of time adding to the already existing care aides. Making occasional visits to oversee things are in place, and to be connected is one thing, but to have to be there long lengths of time much of the time - two days it sounds like - and even work from there seems over the top. Perhaps I am misunderstanding. I also wonder if there may be a cultural factor in any of this?

It also needs to be noted that with your mother's multiple diagnoses and severely declined health, she is a candidate for the highly supportive Hospice services and if that is not desired, for Home Health to make visits. Hospice would be best, (in my estimation), they can be wonderful ongoing in-home support which also includes supporting family members with RNs, Social Workers, bath aides, chaplains if desired and more. Medicare covers this including all helpful equipment; no cost to the family. This would give much support backup to your sister. You may want to acquaint yourself with Hospice services if you are not fully informed. We have many Members here whose Loved Ones (LOs) are on Hospice and it has been wonderful support for them; some have been on Hospice for up to two years.

Your sister who lives close to your parents has made this decision for others and has set this expectation into place for herself and for her daughters and also for you despite the others not willing to cooperate with her mandates due to their own life needs. Perhaps she is even exhausted and burned out with all that she has set into place for herself. Could it be that a huge part of all of this is that she has burned herself out with all she is striving to keep in place as she has decided it must be? Can it be that her daughters have been rebelling against giving up their own time and have been angry with her and been vocally aggravated causing her much upset? If they are driving her to distraction in their arguing, that may possibly be part of why she is lashing out at you.

There is a lot of grief and sorrow when one's beloved mother, spouse, etc. are in the deep stages of dementia and the losses continue and no one can stop the ongoing decline. Your sister is an RN; she is used to making things better for people and she can do nothing to stop all of what has been happening. Couple that with her having anxiety issues and medication misuse, and possibly unrealistic expectations, it is a recipe for disaster and burning of bridges with others. None of this is your fault, you cannot control your sister and how she feels and thinks. To meet and confront her is probably not the best idea at this point in time.

You mention that she and her adult daughters live near your parents and have benefitted in various ways from your parents over the years. You live far away, out of state and have a life very different from your sisters. It appears she has not been able to accept that and your own life needs and perhaps she discounts or does not understand the reality. I so hope there is no guilt with this Nev; perhaps regret for what is happening to your mother and the difficulties with your sister, but hopefully no guilt.

You live out of state, far from your parents; you have business that needs management and other life needs. Perhaps it is time to once and only once, to make a clear and strong statement in voice and/or in email explaining that you are not going to be coming from out of state to be in the parent's house as she demands; your life situation is very different and you will not be arriving as assigned and expected. All you have to do is to be clear without being negative. Simply make your clear statement, calmly and once. If she calls after that and is acting out, you can choose to simply say that you have already stated your position and will not discuss it further. You do not have to stay on the phone being insulted or badgered; if that happens one can say that the conversation is highly negative and you are hanging up. One does not have to reply to badgering or nasty texts or emails; one can just delete them without response. It is up to you; you do not have to engage or be a victim.

When and if your sister gets to a better state of mind and understanding, perhaps it would be nice to send her a lovely card now and then and have supportive conversations. Perhaps at just this point in time it is best to let things be a bit more quiet and not engage. Your sister has made a choice for herself, she cannot make the choice for you. You can make a visit when it is right for you and for the time that you can. You can send your father nice cards and make nice calls to him. You monitor things on a monitor and your sister is nearby and it sounds as though things have been going well. You cannot control your sister, that is up to her; as it is, her adult daughters are there near her, so they have their own relationship.

As life permits, you can make a visit to your parents when it is right for you and your husband, it is up to you what those boundaries and capabilities are.

Let us know how you are and how things are going; at this point it is a lot of difficulty for everyone and much sadness with all that is happening. May taking the high road with clarity be helpful. We will be thinking of you.

J.

Arrowhead · February 2023

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! You are doing what you can and there is only so much you can do. Do not feel guilty over not being able to do what you are not able to do. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Suzzin · February 2023

Don't feel guilty, but do try to have some compassion. Your sister is dealing with 92 and 94 year olds with dementia and probably other health problems. It's great that you can come in on the weekends to help but she likely sleeps with the phone by her bed waiting for the next crisis, for both of them. Yes you're working, for money, but she's also working for no money. The caregivers aren't the same as family. A ring camera when you're a few hours away only means that your sister has to be on alert for when you call to let her know she has to spring in to action. Your nieces, like you, have jobs and families and they should be given the grace to have time for themselves. It's a crap situation all around, but maybe your sister is just at the end of her rope.