Moving day is set - am I ready?

maxmama

Hi everyone,

Well, after some confusion with a change in ownership/management, the SNF has accepted mom and moving day is set.  This is a facility that is about 60 residents and is all dementia patients.  Mom has lived with me for 12 years and has had slowly progressing dementia for at least 5 years.  The facility is about 60 residents and is all dementia patients.  She has been incontinent for over a year, has asked where her mom is or has asked to call her mom every night for IDK how long, and has forgotten who I am frequently.  Oh, and asks all the time whose house this is.  I work outside the home, and have had cameras on her for quite a while.  When she finally got accepted on Medicaid I got a caregiver to come in for the mornings that I work.  She never technically wandered, but she threatened to leave and go "home" several times before she was put on medication to help her sleep.  

I have been completely drained for a while, and have now developed high blood pressure, and my back has been giving me problems when I bathe her, change her, and help her change her diapers.  I don't really care about anything anymore.  She needs SO much redirection.  She has almost no short term memory left.  I was just reading a post about how you know it's time to put your LO in memory care.  Something someone said was that a lot of caregivers wait too long.  I've been thinking it's overdue for probably a year or so, but now that it's set, I'm thinking I don't want her to go because I'll miss her!  I've been questioning my decision for about a month, but my friends and my brother say it's necessary. I'm glad they say so, because I do know it's time.  I'm just so worried about the transition.  My brother lives in Hawaii, so he's not around to help.  He is trying to get a flight out here for moving day.  

This is this normal, isn't it?  To know your mom needs more care than you're able to give her anymore, but now the move is actually going to happen, I'm not so sure?   I'll miss her, but really, the woman she is right now is not really my mother.  The one who went shopping with me and I could talk to about things isn't there anymore.  I read something about "the long goodbye".  That must be what I'm experiencing.  I also have two dogs, and I'm worried about them missing her, and her missing them.  And what if she gives the people at the facility problems and is angry?  I've heard they like to get them off of the medication that has been making nights manageable.  Such mixed feelings...

Jo C.

Hello Maxmama.  What you are experiencing is natural and for many of us is part of the process.  It is one of those things that ready versus unready switches back and forth and badgers us; for me, even in the middle of the night thinking and thinking.  It is a difficult thing to do  knowing that nothing will ever be the same again.  In this there is grief that is often felt.  This is where I learned that logic and emotion live on different planes of existence.

From what you have shared, there is no doubt that it appears this is the right thing to do; the move is necessary for both of you.  There is hopefully no guilt in this decision . . . regret perhaps . . . . but not guilt.  You are doing the right thing.  It is also worth saying that for some of our LOs they actually did better in a care facility than they did at home. There was increased chance for socialization in whatever way they could absorb that, activities to take part in or to watch can also be a positive for our LO; AND most of all, the person with dementia does better with routine and structure which is usually in place in such settings.

No exhausted 24 hour caregiving.  There are 24 hours of aides and nursing oversight. If there are things that need help, the aides do step in and assist one another.  The aides get to go home after a shift; they have days off.  None of that was there for you and your health is suffering.  

It is normal to think of many, "what if's," but try not to project problems that may never come to pass.

NOTE:   While there is an adaptation period for our Loved Ones (LOs) when they move to a new setting, keep in mind that we too have an adaptation period.  The facility staff may request you not visit for a week or so. That is often so that the new resident begins to bond with staff.  It will be up to you if that is acceptable or not.  For a few days I called each shift to see how she was doing; staff was very kind and all was going well and she was eating well. She engaged or watched activities and also rested and slept well.  Huge relief.  While there may be a hiccup needing attention now and then, it is all workable.

I was SO worried about my mother, that I went in to the facility without her seeng me, and the staff let me sit in their office which had a two way window in it where I could look out but no one could look in. What I saw was my mother engaging in crafts and getting along with other residents.  I was SO relieved.

Sometimes my mother would get very angry with me when I visited.  I soon learned not tovisit in her room, but instead to have our visit in the activity room or dining room where other people were at or walking through; those went well.

I do understand how awfully stressful this feels, please do come and talk with us as much as you wish.  Let us know how you are doing, we will be thinking of you and we really do care.

I send warmest of thoughts from one daughter to another,

J.

maxmama

Thank you so much, Jo C.  That all does ease my mind a little.  

I would be okay with not visiting for a little bit so she can bond with the staff.  

I find myself worrying about all the little things she needs help with, and what will she do if she can't find anyone.  I'm not sure I should put too much stock in reviews, but this place had really good online reviews.  There was a really good staff to resident ratio.  But they just changed management companies, and I'm worried about how much will change.

Moving day itself will be really hard, but my brother did get a flight here, so that will help a great deal.

I'm thinking about all the fun things we used to do, and how we won't be able to do them anymore, but then I realize we haven't done any of those fun things in about three years anyway.  Some people might make light of this - but I'm just coming to terms with the loss of my heart dog, Max (in my profile photo) after a year and three months.  I've had dogs my whole life, but he was that special one.  And now I realize that I have to grieve the loss of who my mom was.  My friend says that I've been so busy taking care of her that I haven't had time to do that.  I go back to thinking about the fact that mom is the one that found Max for me.  But she still can't remember that he is gone.  She keeps calling the new younger dog Max.  Her brain really can't cope with new information.  The caregiver has been coming in the mornings for about three months, and every morning when I leave and tell her that the caregiver lady will be here in half an hour, it's like new information.  

I have worried for years that she's bored, and I used to ask her all the time if she wanted me to find some senior activities, and she never wanted that.  But she was an elementary and Jr. High English & Drama teacher, and was a very social person before the dementia.  My cousin says he thinks she will like being there after she gets used to it.  But will she get used to it?  It will be a huge change.  But someday soon she might not even know who I am.

Sigh.  I'm tired.

MN Chickadee

I understand. It was the darkest time in my life. Even harder than my mother's death a few years later, because unlike death the world keeps on going with this, there is still work to do, there is no closure or release. The run up to the move and the days after I was the most stressed and sad I have ever been.  The grief was immense. Grief for the life she could have had in her golden years, the memories she was losing, my children losing their grandmother, the insane amount of money we were spending, losing her independence and dignity. It was a pinnacle of realizing what this horrific disease meant for us. Picturing her alone at night, or not knowing where she was or all the struggles I could imagine in this new place were making me physically sick. I have never known the true meaning of "heart break" until I moved my mother to memory care. The only way I can describe it was my heart was completely broken. 

Hang in there. It can take a while for her to adjust but it will get better. My mother took a few months but eventually did adjust and it turned out to be the best decision I could have made for her. There will be light at the end of the tunnel soon. 

ChicagoGal

Hello Maxmama - I moved my mom to Memory Care on December 30th - she is still adjusting but its hard to tell how much is due to the new place versus ongoing decline from the disease.  I continue to feel terrible and sad that she is there but know that I would not have been able to maintain her care at home.  Mom does not sleep at night and that meant nobody else in the house slept either.  We have not been able to adjust her sleep/wake cycle so far.  This is a terrible disease and all we can do is our best - which does not always mean hands on caregiving.  Good luck with the move.  Hopefully mom will adjust quickly and you will be able to visit and focus on her rather than all the things that you had to do as a caregiver.

harshedbuzz

maxmama-

For me personally, the days leading up to dad's actual move into MC were awful. Even though I intellectually knew it was necessary as his refusal to accept care from my mom was ruining her health I felt physically unwell at the thought. 

He adapted so much more easily than I'd expected. I expect your mom might as well.

HB

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RobinNicole

Hi Maxmama,

I too believe this is the best thing for your LO.  In time you will adjust and hopefully they will settle in to their new normal.  It’s not easy - as you say its a permanent reminder of what is now lost, but I can say that our family is cherishing the times and memories we make now.  I have wonderful pictures (celebrating all the holidays and her birthday), her dancing with the staff and others in social time and even singing songs along with the local musicians who perform.  My kids and brother never knew what a beautiful voice she had and still does!

We placed my mom 11 months ago - I cannot believe its almost a year.   It was an emergency placement and a lot sooner than we expected.  It took a month or so before she got her groove and used to the routine, but she is the happiest she has been in several years due to the companionship, the activities, the routine and comfort.   We know she is safe and never alone.  Her world has gotten smaller,  and she can engage or sit and watch and we can visit.  

The disease is still progressing and we pivot as needed.  But before placing her my life was  not my own.  Working full time and caring for her was slowly breaking me.  I now enjoy when I see her and my family is relieved to see me relax more and be more myself.  It’s sad to think about what isn’t anymore, but I am grateful she is doing “well” for now with this horrible disease.  Wishing you well in this next phase.