Best way to tell spouse they must go to memory care

cmbennettlo

Does anyone have suggestions on how to tell my husband he will be going to memory care?

JJAz

Don't tell him ahead of time.  Just take him to MC and tell him that he will be here until the doctor tells him that he can go home (or while you're recovering, or whatever).  Explaining ahead of time just causes confusion, anxiety and resistance.  My friend told him over lunch that they were at a bed and breakfast.

MaryG123

Is he aware of his condition or not?

W.L.

I agree. placed my wife twice, first time I told her the night before, big mistake, very hard on us both. Decided to bring her home after one month, in hindsight it was too soon, got another wonderful 7 months with her before she had to go back.

Second time I got her up and in the car. Told her we were moving ( I did but that's another longer story. Took her to memory care and told her she needed to stay there while I arranged the move. It's been one year since then, she's happy, I'm not, but it worked not to tell her in advance. Best of luck however you decide to handle it, either way, it ain't easy.

Lee

cmbennettlo

He is sometimes aware of it

saltom

Has anyone tried a weighted blanket to help LO sleep through the night?  DH is in long term care and finally settling in after six weeks except he wakes up in the middle of the night often quite agitated and loud. He has vascular, alz and lewy body dementias.  We talked to Hospice about sleeping pills, but nothing has been done about it so far. I am afraid the facility will not be able to keep him if we can't find a solution for his sleeping through the night or at least not being so agitated when he wakes. Some times he does make it through the night, but often not. He is in a Hospice supplied bed with rails or he would be wandering around when he wakes up.

MaryG123

If he is only sometimes aware of it, then it’s not likely that discussing it ahead of time will be productive.  Although I find it hard to lie to my DH, sometimes the truth is just too painful.  Let us know how it goes.

John1965

I had a very similar question six months ago. 

You have to rip the bandaid. Place without discussion. 

It’s hard. 

Do it anyway. 

Pat6177

Saltom, you might get more responses if you start a new thread. I think your question might get overlooked here. My only suggestion might be to give him a low dose of melatonin when he wakes up. But you’ll probably have to get hospice to sign off on that.

Cmbennetlo - I haven’t any personal experience. Maybe it would help if you ask the facility for advice. After all, they’ll be the ones dealing with him after you drop him off. They’ve done this before and might have some good suggestions.

John1965

I placed my wife 5 months ago and took the advice from this forum not to tell her in advance.

Here is my post about her placement,. I hope this helps.

https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147562494

Nowhere

I hope the night staff is quickly attentive to his calls. They could go a long way to comfort him. Perhaps you could ask how they respond, what they find works? My husband is brought a hot chocolate or a PB sandwich when he’s troubled and not sleeping. If his aides are out of ideas suggest they consult Hospice. Lay it in the professional’s hands. No one should be worrying you with his being possibly discharged at this stage of his disease. Wishing you and your husband the best.

toolbeltexpert

Just gonna add my 2 cents for what it's worth. Do not tell him it won't help at all. Boy is it ever hard, but it is the reality many here have already faced, my self included. I have never told her why she is where she is except when she asks, here's the standard answer. The doctor says a few days. 

Hope it goes well whatever you decide. Come back and let us know how you are doing.