No joy in cooking anymore

tigersmom

I know there are people dealing with far bigger problems than this one, but I am sharing because it continues to mystify me. Since my teens, I have loved to cook. I am largely self-taught, but I learned a fair amount and earned a reputation for being pretty good at it. My mom was a wonderful cook and a fantastic baker, which is a pretty rare combination. When DH and I married 27 years ago, I found myself cooking for someone who did not eat many of the things I cooked -- any meat or poultry, to begin with. So I cooked a lot of fish and plenty of plant-based meals, and for 25 years he was a happy and enthusiastic eater. In June of '21, he was diagnosed with dementia and all that changed.  Anything too crispy was was the first thing to go (goodbye, falafel). Vegetables began to be refused, especially if they were steamed or roasted tender-crisp. (Al dente is a dirty word around here.) When he was first diagnosed, I thought he might be having trouble swallowing, and I brought it up with his neurologist, a dementia specialist. He said he would only order a swallowing consult if DH started having trouble with clear liquids. He is not. But the pickiness seems to grow by the day. I never know when something he really used to like will be rejected out of hand. Rice is a no-no, as are the aforementioned vegetables. He is exquisitely sensitive to the temperature of everything on the plate. He scoops sweet potatoes out of the skins and lets them sit until they are deemed cool enough to eat. Soup or chili has to sit until it is practically cold. The only things that are always accepted are doughnuts, ice cream and cake. Cookies will be rejected, too, if they're deemed too hard. He has no trouble,  however, with two crispy toaster waffles every morning, drenched in syrup. So my question is, is this real or is he pulling my chain? Or does he only think it's real? I don't want to feed him things that are a problem for him, but are we doomed to mashed potatoes and canned vegetables from now on? Today I put a bag of spring mix in the cart at Trader Joe's to make a pear salad he used to love for his sister's birthday dinner, and he said, "I'm not eating that." I am tearing my hair out trying to come up with meals he will like, and every dinner now usually involves rejection of something. To me, food is love. Cooking is one of the ways you show that. Every time I set something on the table now, it is a sad reminder that our lives have changed forever, and not in a good way. I am guessing that this is not uncommon, but it sure is discouraging. How did everyone else deal with this?

Joydean

 I can agree with you about the cooking. My husband used to love all kinds of vegetables, especially any ones that were green. Ate like each meal was going to be his last one. Would not eat sweets of any kind. Yet he never gained a pound. For over 30 years his weight stayed the same as the day we got married. One of his favorite meals was pot roast with potatoes, carrots and mushrooms, with a couple of side dishes of green vegetables. The last 2-3 years he will not eat any vegetables and doesn’t recognize any of what was his favorite foods. This last year he all he wants is sweet stuff. For the last 3 months I can barely get him to eat a half of a sandwich and once in a while I can get him to drink an ensure. 

Best of luck to you. And I’m sorry you don’t get to cook the way you always have. I agree with you, cooking was a way of showing love. I cooked all kinds of meat for my husband, I myself do not and have never liked meat.  Cooking is just another thing Alzheimer’s takes away from us. 

harshedbuzz

tigersmom--

Every single PWD I've known has had a significant change in their palate. My auntie, my friend's mom, and especially my dad.

The changes you are seeing in your DH mirror those I saw in my dad. Previously, my parents ate a diet much as you describe, big salads, grilled fish or roasted chicken, veggies in season, fruit as a snack. But as dad's dementia progressed, he preferred a very different diet. As a kid, we went out every Friday night for ice cream after he did his payroll-- we'd get sundaes and he'd have a BLT or a cup of coffee. Suddenly at 75, he started eating a gallon on ice cream a week along with cookies, cakes, pudding and any other sweet treat he could get. 

He would still eat savory foods but tended to prefer things with sauces or gravy poured over. And finger foods, sometimes when they went out dad would order something like chicken fingers and fries. These two changes happened years before he'd struggle with swallowing or cutlery. At a certain point, food became about getting calories in however one could and try not to get upset.

I don't think he's yanking your chain. 

HB

Another Day

My DH definitely has sundowners. The evening meal became contentious so I moved it to earlier, instead of eating at 6:00, we now eat closer to 4:00. Sometimes a snack later, but the meal has to be gotten in earlier or I lose any hope of him eating decent.

Davegrant

My DW did all of the cooking for fifty years but about five years ago she suddenly stopped because she said she didn't know what the steps were in preparing a meal. I have been doing the cooking for the last five years. She eats about 25% of what I prepare, the rest goes into the garbage. She complains that everything is too salty, too hard, too soft, too cold, too spicy.  There is always a problem. I have no idea what she likes except cookies, (orioles), and chocolate milk and chicken noodle soup. Eating out in restaurants is the same. Now we rarely eat out but do pick up carry out dinners and since most of them end up in the garbage I do that rarely. Last Sunday I prepared scrambled eggs and toast and she said, "Do we have anything like we used to have that tastes good?" That caused me to break out laughing. Even though she constantly complains she doesn't make me feel responsible. (My cooking skills are limited.) She will often say something tastes good but that is usually the chocolate milk. We try the meals on wheels program, but she says that her girlfriends didn't like them, and she doesn't like them. So, we go on and off the program. Her blood pressure and blood sugar show acceptable numbers, so she is healthy. She has lost some weight in the last five years, but it is not a major problem for the doctor, although the doctor would not like her to lose any more. I have no solutions and can only identify with the eating situation. 

toolbeltexpert

Tigermom he's not pulling your chain.sweets and treats,maple syrup on eggs, my dw always drank black coffee no sugar. Now its carmel Creamer and sugar. She still eats a regular plate but veggies which were her favorite are not any more, not the the mcf does those right. We ended up eating out every day and snack foods for supper. My wife was an excellent cook, her mom died when dw was 13 so she just started cooking at 13. She made the best New York cheese cake. I have lost almost 30 pounds since last July.  Having to sell our house 2500 sq ft 4 out buildings,  24x40 garage all filled with 30 years of Stuff.   But boy I miss my good cook.

Quilting brings calm

I don’t think it matters what you cook.  His brain and taste buds don’t work properly any more. I’d add meat and chicken back into the rotation. Especially if YOU like them.  His current brain and taste buds might decide they like them now. Even if he just eats a few bites, it gets him some protein.  

Serve him small portions and reward him for eating it with dessert or a sweet drink. Keep sandwich fixings and other finger foods on hand for days he doesn’t like what you are having.  In fact, it’s possible that he might eat finger foods better since utensil use can be  difficult as things progress.  I suggest  the kids type meals of  PBJ - no crusts, cheese and  crackers Etc 

jfkoc

Cooking has never been on my list of something to do but still I understand how difficult it must be for you. Everything loss brings some degree of sadness as well as a reminder of the future.

Please fix what you enjoy and please think about sharing some of your special creations with your friends and neighbors. We love to get treats.

Not to worry about what your husband eats or what temperature it is. Sandwhiches and cheese and crackers are going to become staples at some point. You just change the emphasis from what is served to being together with hopefully some conversation. 

Judith

Added....ice cream, actually orange sherbet, with protein powder was well accepted by my husband...lol

Crushed

I was always the family cook.  My mother told me to lean how to cook and marry a Doctor.  
As DW declined  her Dietary preferences shifted towards less and less spicy foods
 We are 14 years on this road and she is in a facility Drs say feed her whatever she likes
so its lots of yogurt ice cream,   cake and soft cookies. 
 She has to be hand fed
At the end it does not  matter  very much 

Jinx Darling

I have no joy in cooking. Cooking has been a struggle as my DH dysphagia and dementia has progressed, before diagnosis we would argue about his eating choices, which were already comprised by throat cancer that destroyed his salivary glands and taste buds. He no longer eats spicy, and does not tolerate salty, he would eat sweets 24/7 left to his own devices. His sweet intake, donuts and ice cream, cake outpaced the health eating at one time. Now, he can eat only puréed soups and foods like ice cream and soft desserts. He refuses to try new things, so I have made the same 2-3 soups for the last year. I try to pack these soups with 350+ calories a bowl to help DH keep his weight on and we depend on a Boost type product for nutrition. About the only meal I cook for both of us is breakfast items. Scrambled eggs with a ton of jelly will still go down or a plate of pancakes with so much syrup that I shudder just looking at his plate. I have learned to let it go. I have a constant refrain in my head, saying just let it go, over and over about just about everything at this point, I wish I had had it sooner. 

DH goes thur a gallon sweet tea and ice cream every other day, I have learned to let it go, he just can’t help himself. I have recently had to step back on trying to (force, nag, bitch) DH to get additional nutrition down, DH has lost 10lbs over 3 months, we are seeing a dietitian and she has recommended different high calorie meal replacements but his system does not tolerate so I am just doing the best I can. 

I am now trying to cook for my self as a form of self care. I need to eat better and take care of myself so I can I take care of DH.  

MaryG123

Such a good reminder Jinks Darling, to most of the time just “Let it go.”

Kevcoy

I too have lost my joy in cooking.  My DH is a vegetarian so I loved trying new meals that we could both enjoy.  Now veggie chickn nuggets are just as good as a meal I could spend hours making.

Palmetto Peg

My biggest issue is that my DH will suddenly announce, out of the blue, that he isn't hungry.  This is after he has watched me cook a nice meal, set the table, etc.  He will sometimes come to the table, pick a little in his plate, and when he is finished, get up and leave me sitting there alone.  I know intellectually that it isn't his fault, but it still makes me so mad!  I don't love cooking, and I think 52 years of being responsible to decide what is for dinner, shop for it, cook it and then clean it up should be worth at least the common courtesy of staying at the table until I am finished.  Just one of the little daily irritations of living with a PWD, I guess!

Buggsroo

Your husband is not yanking your chain. His brain is broken. 

My husband gets cereal, banana and almond milk for breakfast, grilled cheese, ham or turkey for lunch with a jello cup and some cookies and for dinner I make him Stouffers frozen meals. He used to love my cooking and he made amazing cakes and desserts. Now he just eats the same thing day in and day out. I vary his dinners to ones he likes, his tastes have changed. He likes really sweet things and I give them to him. 

I am vegetarian so I live on soups and veg food. I like Indian and Thai food. I used to love cooking, not anymore. Please don’t think he is doing this to make you crazy, he’s not. It’s the disease.

Paris20

I absolutely understand losing the desire to cook. My husband’s family was in the hospitality industry. They taught me how to cook. I always looked at cooking as a creative outlet. Visiting France many times reinforced that approach. My husband loved to eat and appreciated my attempts at French cuisine.

DH was diagnosed with AD in 2015. All he wants are sweets. His appetite for everything else is gone. Since diagnosis he has lost over 30 pounds. He went from being a slightly overweight man to skinny. After he had a stroke, he could no longer live at home so it’s just me in the house, alone for the first time in my life. 

I love to eat but now I hate to cook. My freezer is packed  with frozen dinners and other prepared foods. About once a month I cook chicken or turkey or a pork roast, put some store- bought sauce on it, and have several meals, after which I return to frozen dinners. I do read labels and watch out for sodium but I know I’d be much better off if I returned to cooking. I just don’t feel like doing it, though.

Dutiful One

I'm in the same boat here.  

Toolbelt expert, I find your comment about maple syrup on eggs to be interesting, as this morning that's exactly what I was served for breakfast. 

I've always enjoyed cooking from scratch, and my DH loves my cooking, but am lately thinking about just giving it up.  Problem is, if I don't cook, even a "quick" convenience meal, my husband tries to "help" by making something himself.  This morning he made scrambled eggs, proudly bragging about the minced onion, garlic, bell peppers, and maple syrup he'd mixed in. The minced onion was crunchy and the heavy maple syrup just didn't blend well with the other flavors.  He pours dressing or ketchup on everything and follows almost every evening meal with something sweet like ice cream. 

Giving up things I  enjoy, like cooking, feels like another loss.  I grieve for the things I used to do, that brought us both  pleasure. I only frustrate myself trying to keep up with his changing tastes and moods. For a long time, not being able to provide what was needed through food made me feel like a failure. I'm working on that one. 

I've also decided to stop eating scrambled eggs with maple syrup. It might work for "Elf" but not for me!  

tigersmom

Thank you so much to everyone who shared their cooking stories here. It is reassuring to know that once again, I have plenty of company in this particular struggle. And davegrant, thank you for sharing your wife's question. It made me laugh out loud; I feel I'm going to be asked that one any day now. (Makes me think we're all living with the toughest restaurant critic in the country.) On some level, I know this is his disease talking, but boy, this guy sure used to love to eat. And he would brag about my cooking to anyone who'd listen. I miss both those things. One of the reasons I stress over this is that he is pretty thin. He's 6' tall, and his weight had slipped to 144 pounds at diagnosis 20 months ago, when the eating issues first appeared. If any other illness struck, I thought he needed more reserve than that. I must have figured out a few tricks, though, because I weighed  him after this post and he is up to 157. He gets chocolate milk with lunch, which he loves, and ice cream every night he wants it after dinner. Doughnuts and toaster waffles are still a hit at breakfast, and we seem to go through syrup at a pretty fast clip. I will keep tinkering with the entrees. Again, my heartfelt thanks to all who took the time to respond.  It is very much appreciated.