mom has mild dementia, and i am living with her

1rhonda

hi; it's surely hard on me, and most certainly on mom. she been living alone since 1996, on a little acreage outside town, which is 16 miles away. her church friends been concern for awhile with her driving back and forth to Wednesday night meets and Sunday morning church services. my brother's wife found a specialist and we now know that it's dementia, though we haven't got all the test results back, as to how bad or kind. so my brother , who has the means and room , wants her to move to TN, she doesn't. so, that's when i moved in her spare bedroom to keep her safe. it's certainly a hardship to give up my life and two of us has been not (thanks be to God) at war with each other! 

i kept my apartment for such times when it's prudent to have space, since her keys have been taken away from her, there's no real danger of her wandering off. plus, there a good neighbors, just a couple of yards from her house.

the only difficulty, so far, is having sure she takes her meds and convincing her to wear her hearing aids. and moving her to Tennessee

anyone with suggestions?

M1

Hi rhonda and welcome.  If her dementia is in fact mild so far, now is the time to make sure that legal and financial plans are in order, no matter whether she moves or not.  Someone (maybe your brother if he is going to be primarily responsible) needs to have power of attorney for her (both for finances and healthcare); you need to see if her will is in place/updated, and figure out her long-term finances--for instance, if she will ultimately need memory care, can she afford to pay for it out of pocket, or will she need to apply for long-term Medicaid?  Those things need to be addressed sooner rather than later.  (I live in Tennessee and can tell you that Medicaid benefits are not great).  How she spends her money before Medicaid kicks in is critical (there is usually at least a five-year lookback).  a certified elder law attorney can help with these things, and you can find names listed by location at nelf.org.

When you say her keys have been taken away, do you mean car keys, house keys, or both?  Wandering can happen on foot and in the middle of the night, so she may not be safe to be alone, period.  Some folks install cameras to keep an eye on their loved one; if you are not physically there, you may want to consider that, too.

Any move should likely not be discussed with her ahead of time.  You have to remember that you can no longer reason with her.  And if you're not familiar with it, look up anosognosia--a lot of people with dementia truly cannot recognize that anything is wrong with them.

Good luck, there is a wealth of infornation and kind people on this forum.  Hope it will help you, and I'm sorry you are facing this.