Communication/mis-communication frustrations

storycrafter

My husband with FTD, early stages, sometimes brings up a topic and I'l respond in a normal way, mild and "neither here nor there." Yet he'll take it as an attack of some kind and respond in an angry tone as if I've created an argument, or as if we're in an unpleasant debate about something. When this happens I leave the room and give him space, stop engaging with him.

Afterwards it's hard for me not to generally withdraw all future attempts to interact with him. I find myself pulling away more often and for longer stretches. It's also hard sometimes not to go into thoughts that somehow I need to try harder, or do something differently. Acceptance of what is, isn't always easy, even though we've been at this a long time now.

I've been isolating the past couple days since we had a poor outcome from a simple attempt at conversation. He responded very heatedly even though I made a simple non-threatening casual comment. It's such a disappointment and feels emotionally painful when it happens. I wonder sometimes if I should just stop trying at all.

I know it's not surprising considering his issues. It just feels so isolating and distancing to give up on trying to communicate anything. Lately I've felt tired and vulnerable in general and it's just harder to take. It leaves things feeling tense in the household atmosphere, and it's something I don't want to foster. He seems comfortable with silence and distance, and it makes me very sad. It doesn't help with the winter blues.

Thanks for being here and for listening. I just needed to acknowledge the issue "out loud" and get it off my chest.

Quilting brings calm

It might be because he’s defensive.  He feels insecure because he knows internally that his cognitive function is off. Therefore every time you aren’t 100% in agreement with whatever statement he makes, he thinks you are questioning his cognitive function.  He probably questions his own cognitive function and thinks you are too. 

I don’t know what to tell you to do other that follow that old standby of validation and redirect. Unfortunately you are right  - you can’t have a conversation when you are validating and redirecting. 

It’s not just people with dementia who display this behavior.  My step-dad has been this way since I was a child.  I limited expressing my thoughts  to him decades ago.   

MaryG123

I know what you mean Storycrafter.  Sometimes it hardly seems worth the effort to try to make conversation, especially when you’re met with anger or irritation.  I have to admit, sometimes I ask myself what I would do if I was by myself, and then pretend my DH isn’t there.  For some strange reason, that seems to calm us both.  I usually read a book, listen to music, or do some baking or gardening.  I wonder if they’re in their own inner worlds and don’t want to be interrupted with conversation.  It is so sad.  Hugs to you (()).

Dutiful One

storycrafter,

I understand. It's been a difficult day, starting with my DH making a breakfast of maple syrup mixed in the scrambled eggs (and thinking it's a common thing to do) and ending with an outburst in which he called me an "a**".  He had asked if I'd completed a task; I said no, but would do it right away. My tone was calm and I set out to complete the task just to keep the peace. He perseverates over things and when this happens, I find it easier just to do the task he's fixated on.  My attempt to do this task was not at a good time as we were getting ready to leave the house. This triggered his outburst.  It's like walking on eggshells. 

I do just as you described: respond in a mild way that is not slanted toward one opinion or judgement call,  but often that doesn't work. If I express an opinion, I'm "argumentative" or "causing trouble."  When I objected to being called that name, he tried to justify himself by telling me he said I was "acting like one, not that I really am one." He expected that to make things okay. When I remained silent in an attempt to avoid pursuing the subject, he complained that I "never let anything go" and was "causing an argument."  

He has become increasingly passive-aggressive and I feel like I'm turning into a Stepford Wife. We'll have a string of good days with few issues, and then a wave of this troublesome behavior. There is also an overall loss of empathy, and I'm seeing a lot of "flat effect" in his expression. Although oriented to time and location,  he'll walk into a room and pause, looking around as if trying to get his bearings. An issue that needs to be addressed comes up, such as a home repair, and he gives it a blank look. I take care of many things in our home that were always his responsibility. A lot of things just go undone. 

I've gone into isolation mode, too.  Yesterday we were having a conversation about some things that need to be done around our house (although he makes plans that don't come to fruition).  I don't know why, but I said I'd like to be able to have company again. Sometimes my wishes just slip out before I can stop myself.  He responded by saying he was going to have everyone in our church group gather on his pontoon boat (another subject....) and take them to this island he named, which is a remote place that has to be traveled to several miles upriver. Several of our church folks are elderly and need assistance walking. Some are not familiar with boats or water. And although a pontoon boat is large, it's not big enough to support all the people and items he planned to load on it.  These people aren't going to get onto a boat, drive up a choppy river, get out onto a dock, and have a picnic in a primitive camp area on a remote island. No cell service, no access to adequate facilities and no emergency services. When I said this, he got upset and ranted at me for not wanting to ever do anything.  And of course, I get upset at myself for saying anything. He frequently makes plans that are not possible, Most of the time I just let him talk, but I'm only human. 

Iris L.

At a certain point, PWDs can no longer carry on a conversation, regardless of what words they can put together.  Validation is a technique to make the PWD feel comfortable, not a different way to make conversation.  When I talk with my cousin, I just go with whatever she says.  Except when she cried, which I posted about.  I have resumed calling her, and she is not crying.  She speaks very well, and someone who is unfamiliar with her might think she was okay from a limited interaction.  But she has advanced AD.  My expectations fit her advanced stage.

Iris

M1

I empathize enormously with all of you who are still cohabiting with spouses you can't communicate with.  We had that happen, too, and it is ongoing--no conversation possible at MC visits, even superficial, after a year I still can't go unless there is someone with me because she is immediately hostile and unhappy with me.  I'm having anniversary reactions all over the place.  The loneliness is excruciating whether or not they are phsyically present.  I miss her so much.  I feel your pain.

mrahope

I cannot believe how "on target" all of your posts are for me.  My DH gets aggravated and yells at me for the smallest things some days.  For instance, he wanted my son (living four hours away) who "borrowed" his car to bring it back here just to go to a dealership here for maintenance...and it was Saturday and he wanted it done by today.  All this just because he got a text/email about the maintenance.  When I came into the room and said he couldn't make our son come up here for that he screamed at me, told me I was wrong, etc.  Said he "didn't need me", etc.  Very hurtful...and the minute I left the room he went back to bed and was asleep.  

He often asks me to "forgive him", but that changes nothing and actually makes me angrier.  

When I suggested that I needed help to care for him he told me how I was "treating him like a child" and "invalidating him".  I am just at my wits end.  If he doesn't need the help, I do.

He had two of these type of outbursts in 48 hours this past week.  The other one involved a service person who came to our home.  The service could not be completed, and I had to reschedule it 

I, too, hate the tense atmosphere and basically am living a life trying "not to poke the bear".

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.

Joydean

Thank you Storycrafter for starting this thread because I can relate to what everyone is saying. Most of what my dh is trying to say makes no sense and I never know if I’m responding correctly or not. He now is convinced he’s dying. I have a caregiver come in 2x a week for 4 hours. When I do leave the house it’s mostly to go to grocery store. It’s 30 to 40 minutes one way so that’s all I get to do. Now he begs me not to leave him alone. I try telling him the lady is here with him and she can call me. That doesn’t work, today he even said it in front of her. She asked him “why do you think you’re dying?”. He replied something’s wrong with my brain and that’s telling me I’m dying. So of course I didn’t go. As far as conversation goes I talk to my little dog! She’s so smart, she now gives me hugs, honestly. She will place her paws around my neck and lay her head on my shoulder and snuggle up to my cheeks. Makes me want to cry or laugh. Sometimes both!  This road we are all on sure “ain’t “ easy! I couldn’t do it without all of you.