The Opposite of Venting

FloydSnax

Yesterday was pretty bad. Out of a five ***** which is complete insanity and you want to die...It was a 3 1/2. Maybe a 4. But today, I think I gave up on being angry. Not at her, but with this situation. I've learnt that whatever she says or does, it's not personal. How can it be? She doesn't even know who I am 90% of the time. She has no clue to the world around her. And that used to p-ss me off. She doesn't deserve this. She was once so strong. It still pisses me off. 

I had all these charming, loving things I wanted to get out of me, and now I'm just back to sad... on the verge of breaking. I guess I wanted to say...that...if we can get by what's happening and just hang out with our loved one, we can kind of smile, maybe even laugh together. We may not be laughing at the same thing but...the feelings almost the same. 

Like when she always asks me if she can help with anything right as I'm finishing up something. I'll say, "Yeah, can you take out the trash" which is about 40 yards from our front door and she'll mumble something like she just can't do it. And she's right. She wants to help but just cant. Or when I'll cook for hours over the stove and when we sit to eat, she whispers to me that the "guy" who made this meal added too much salt! I didn't use any! 

We don't answer the phone much because she gets these telemarketers calling all day starting as early as 7:30 am and also because she has forgotten how to use the phone. She stands in front of it saying hello hello. Sometimes I'll hook her up to one of these robocalls and the dialogue is too much. I know they're trying their best to get those banking numbers but she doesn't know any of that anymore. She ends every conversation with, "You're so very nice" and I'll ask who was that on the phone and she responds, "What phone?" 

I'm tired...blabbing. But when I get her to sleep...I feel it's my time now. My party starts! Hey...where is everybody? Fighting for every last moment when I know I should be resting. I did look into Care.com this week and it sounds good? Might be pulling the trigger on that one, soon. Hope it makes my siblings feel like sh--. I don't care. I've let go of that anger too. I'm sharing in things they are missing, Anyway, I knew that talking things out helps one feel better but I didn't expect that just typing has done the same for me. 

So I don't think this qualifies as a vent. A rant, perhaps? Finding this site has helped me more than I can explain. Thank you all.

GothicGremlin

>I feel it's my time now. My party starts! Hey...where is everybody?

I'm at my own Monday night party.  I virtually attend my old goth club. If I go to their website I can click on in, and take part in the online chat while we listen to the music and see what's going on in the club.  We just got Rick-Rolled.  We're all dying laughing.

It's been a rough week here, dementia-wise - I just haven't written about it yet. But Monday nights often save me.

SusanB-dil

In other words... for all of us... "I didn't sign up for this sh*t!!"  just sayin'.

A few of us having a worse week than usual.  And you can't reason with a cat.

FloydSnax - yeah, all of it is sad, annoying, frustrating, downright maddening, etc etc with a few other adjectives thrown in. Please don't let 'this' bring you down. (yeah, easier said than done sometimes, right?) Do get some respite with Care.com or whatever you need to do. If siblings say anything, let them pitch in.

GothicG - glad you had your on-line Monday party goin'. 

We all need to just get our mind off what is going on for a bit. When we can.

Carrie2023

Floyd, So sorry about your mom but still I appreciate your humor! That is exactly the way I have decided to handle my mom. If I don't laugh, I'll cry....

I get mad if I think too much. My mom was always the strong one - did everything for everyone and asked for nothing. She's known for a while that something was wrong and that had to hurt her. She doesn't deserve this.

I experience the same things as you, she wants to help around the house so I'll give her one defined task. She ends up getting distracted before she starts and I'll do it anyway. BUT, now that I know some things, it's just a little easier. I know at some point she'll have to go to a memory care facility so I'm preparing for that. We laugh a lot and I hope that continues for a while. Keep your sense of humor - you're gonna need it.

BTW - my siblings have helped zero percent, nor do they call, text, email....nothing. I don't understand it and have decided that I'm not even going to try anymore.

Thanks for sharing your story, it helps you and it helps us!

Kibbee

DH still asks if I need him to help with shoveling or bringing in the groceries.  He can no longer walk but sometimes seems unaware of it, or is aware of it but his brain doesn’t make the connection that “can’t walk equals can’t shovel”.  Anyway his intention is good so I just take it as sweet thoughtfulness.  I usually just say “Thanks for offering to help…but the snow’s already melted / there were only a few groceries and they’re already in the house.”  Whether true or not!  Anyway it seems to satisfy him so all is good.

sunnydove

FloydSnax,

I feel every bit of what you wrote from the depths of my soul. It's so hard when we do this day after day, never knowing when or why it will be a good day or a bad one. I used to love the first hour or two after I got Mom in bed to just do my own thing for a few moments. Usually just unwinding, doing a crossword puzzle and crying my pent up tears. But now that she's fully incontinent I rush to get to sleep because I get up every 2 hours to take her to the bathroom. I miss feeling connected to the outside world or like I even exist outside of these walls. That's great that you are looking into care.com to get some respite. I hope you find a great match! 

One thing I do with Mom all the time is thank her for her help. Often she's done absolutely NOTHING. But she doesn't know that. So if I have to put in a new lightbulb and I'm on a ladder, when I'm done I'll say, "Thank you so much for your help! I couldn't have done it without you!" And she will just beam and look so proud. Or when I get some other home project done I will say what a great idea it was of hers and thank her for all her help. The hardest of these has been thanking her for her help in the car. She reads EVERY SINGLE street sign and it makes me want to claw my eyes out! It feels like she's criticizing every move I make: "speed limit 35; right lane must turn right; speed checked by radar" but she's really just reading and I'll be sad when she no longer can. And just before we turn on our street she will sometimes recognize it and indicate we should turn (amazing the things she retains) and I will say, "here? Ok great! Thank you for your help!" and again she beams. So even if she can't help you, let her think she is. Or give her a fake job like holding a screwdriver until you need it or let her carry a bag of empty reusable bags that weighs nothing. 

Hang in there! We are all with you! 

Kibbee

Sunnydove I really like what you said about the positive impact of thanking our PWDs for their help.  I remember to do that sometime, but you’ve inspired me to make a more consistent effort.

FloydSnax

FloydSnax

Carrie

When I was at Wits end, when I knew I couldn't do it all anymore...I made out a little schedule...a little plan that between me, my sister and her two adult kids (who my mom helped raise) that would bring me some help and save what little sanity I had left...and they REJECTED my plea! I was completely shocked. I read about family that have walked away from these horrible events and in the back of my mind, I was all...well my family will be there when I need them...HA! What an idiot. As if I wasn't tripping enough...that shyte sent me out of orbit! It has affected all our relationships but its slowly working its way back. Although I'm the only one thats truly affected. My sister started showing up and taking my mom for a few hours on the weekend and its not 10% not what I need but its something. Even worse, she doesn't get it. Argues with my mom, raises her voice. Sometimes I wish she wouldn't come around at all...but that 10%...I feel dirty.

FloydSnax

Sunny

I'm the one that's beaming...in your name. You are the beam. This job is the toughest thing anyone can imagine. You made me laugh a few times within your response. My mom will ask me something and during my answer, she will refer to the same question! What? Are my lips moving? Are you so behind that now you're ahead somehow? It can sometimes be quite funny. Then unbearably sad seconds later. I'm telling you...its a sick joke. When I was a kid, never had I heard of Alztheimer's. Now one of three seniors or something close to that, suffer from this? And when the teacher would ask every year, "Children, what do you wanna be when you grow up?" A lawyer, a pro basketball player...A police officer. Not once did I ever hear caregiver to my mom or dad. I'm sure there are good people out there (I need to come back to that statement, I think) but no one can do this job. I'm against AI and all the problems technology will bring to us all in the future, but maybe Im changing my opinion because only a lifeless robot can truly do this 24/7 and not be affected by it.

FloydSnax

Susan

But I love cats! I hear you. And I hope Care.com really works. I'll keep you posted. I know I'll need to get away on St. Pattys. All day

FloydSnax

And not because Im Irish...Its the one time a year our childhood teacher (who is Irish) has the get-together and friends of over 40 years reunite. And the last one was pre-covid and I was a sloppy crying drunk. I was new to this caregiving thing and every time a happy face would ask "How's it going?" Well, you can guess the rest. I think I'm better now but we'll really have to wait and see. I've never been that person and I need to build back my rep....

SusanB-dil

I love my little mini-panther. MIL has kitcat, too... Gotta love 'em. But ya can't reason with 'em!  

DH and I have that saying when we find ourselves attempting to reason with one who cannot be reasoned with... yet, we try.  I think just human nature?  We remind each other "cat".  oh, yes, trying to reason with a PWD is like trying to reason with a cat.  It doesn't work. We know this. And we find ourselves doing so. So yes, as with our loved ones -   Love 'em, can't reason with 'em...

Hope you are having a better day.  Don't know about any really 'good' days any more, but maybe some days are better than others.  Hope you have a good one!

GothicGremlin

FloydSnax - hahahahaha!  If my gothic silliness got you to laugh about Robert Smith and The Cure for even a second, I succeeded. 

Funny thing about TSOL - my significant other is a big fan, so while I'm not super familiar with them, I'd probably know them if I heard them. I always thought of them as a punk band but I just looked at their wikipedia page and they have been on the Cleopatra label (which is a goth label) so maybe I've overlooked them.  And some punk bands moved in a darker direction (like The Damned).

That was fun. Got me away from hospital beds and social security there for a minute.

Jo C.

Sunnydove, thank you for sharing your lovely and loving "thanks you's" you gift your mother in the midst of all the caregiving efforts.  That is truly heartfelt kind; your mother is blessed to have you by her side.  How I wish I would have thought of that with my own mother.  I am going to save your Post for future reference and if itis okay with you, I will share it with others as appropriate.

J.

sunnydove

Of course! I'm so glad a few of you felt my response was helpful. Lord knows I have taken enough tips from this site! It's nice to feel I've contributed something in return.

evapel

Ah, it is brilliant to thank her for her help. I will try that. 

I sometimes remember to say, thank you, why don't you cook the next meal when she offers to help cooking. Or, if we're about to eat, Thank you for offering to set the table. Why don't you do the dishes later. 

After we finish eating, she will have forgotten, of course.

My new mantra, whenever I have the energy, is YES, that's a great idea! 

You want to move to Portugal? Yes, let's.

You want to drive to the store? Yes, I will get you a set of keys for the car.

You want to buy a $500 swimsuit that won't even fit the slimmest swimsuit model?

Yes, let's order it online.

VKB

This illness can definitely make us angry.  I hope you get the help your mother and you need.  

My parents did not like help at first, but I used their money for it since I was legally able to do their banking.  Eventually, they got used to it.  Without help they would have been in a nursing home. My mother had severe dementia, but my stepfather, who had heart and kidney issues and was also blind, eventually understood it was necessary.

Getting paid or volunteer help is not a luxury.  It is a necessity in order to stay well and sane.  So go for it!  I hear from others that siblings often take themselves out of the picture permanently, so make the reason you get help be about your ability to continue care for your mother. 

You are the one in the family who will have no regrets.  I prayed for all of you.

Peace always, Ronnie (Veronica Kelly Badowski)