Need advice - how to support my husband

chato198

Hey all,

I need some advice, words of wisdom from y'all.  My father in law has dementia and is deteriorating rapidly.  My husband knows this and acknowledges his dad has dementia, but he isn't putting anything into action (not sure what it would be, but he's doing nothing right now).  

My FIL lives on our property in his own house.  He has been taking care of his own needs, but I've noticed recently he has slacked on that.  He doesn't cook on the stove (only microwave breakfast meals 90% of the time) and doesn't drive.  He has forgotten how to do a lot of things, has lost weight and muscle and doesn't do much during the day than sit and watch TV.  Hubby and I are at work all day and our daughter is at school, so we are gone daily until at least 4:00.  

We have tried unsuccessfully to hire part time caregivers on our own.  We have hired 4 people.  One worked out well until they became sick with COV!D and the others flaked after 1 day.  We had a friend who looked after him for us when we were gone in the summer and again at Thanksgiving, but she has a full time job and can't help on a regular basis (although she was wonderful!).  

My husband is adamant that he does not want to ever put anyone in a facility and I respect that, but I feel that my FIL needs more help than he currently has (just the 3 of us).  I keep telling my hubby that we need to find someone to help and he says he knows, but then it goes no further.  Tonight my FIL came down with a box of matches and was trying to tell us something about matches.  We went to his house and figured out that he was trying to light his cigarettes but couldn't get the matches to light.  (Don't come at me about the cigarettes...that is not a battle I am fighting anymore).  We got him a new lighter so he can have his cigarettes.  

Here's my long-winded question: How do I help my hubby see that his dad needs more help and that he needs to take some action to do this (He has the POA)?  How can I help him, prod him along to get things going to find real caregivers to help his dad?  I'll all good with being a nag, but my hubby tunes me out.  Any guidance is appreciated!

Arrowhead

Unfortunately, until your husband is willing to accept the fact that his father actually needs help there is probably nothing you can say or do that will make him take action. Perhaps there is a friend or relative who can visit his father, see what is going on and reinforce what you have been telling him. Good luck.

Iris L.

chato198 wrote:

  He has forgotten how to do a lot of things, has lost weight and muscle 

It sounds like he is not getting enough to eat.

  Tonight my FIL came down with a box of matches and was trying to tell us something about matches.  We went to his house and figured out that he was trying to light his cigarettes but couldn't get the matches to light.  (Don't come at me about the cigarettes...that is not a battle I am fighting anymore).  We got him a new lighter so he can have his cigarettes.  

I'm sorry, but he is at risk to start a fire.  PWDs lose awareness.

Here's my long-winded question: How do I help my hubby see that his dad needs more help and that he needs to take some action to do this (He has the POA)?  How can I help him, prod him along to get things going to find real caregivers to help his dad?  I'll all good with being a nag, but my hubby tunes me out.  Any guidance is appreciated!

I'm sure he doesn't want his dad to go hungry.  He needs to have his meals prepared for him, also watch that he eats enough.  Check his refrigerator for spoiled food.

Other members will have more suggestions.

Iris L.

 

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Aljwhara

Chato, 

I can only imagin how hard to manage giving him proper care and going to work. 

I can help with providing 4 sessions for the primary caregiver. Helping to navigate through these challenges. 

All sessions can be virtual or in person. it is for FREE, for the purpose of Skills2Care® training program.

I'm an occupational therapist and grad international student in the university of Pittsburgh.

I have 4 years clinical experience with older adults and interested in individuals with dementia/Alzheimer and their caregivers. 

Please see the attached flyer for further details and you can reach out any time for any further questions. 

mommyandme (m&m)

Do you have cameras? That was a way we supervised my mother when she was alone.  There are inexpensive ones, like Wyze, that we used successfully for years.  I used them even when I was her 24/7 caregiver.  They helped immensely but nothing compared to a 24/7 person which we had to implement soon after the cameras were installed. They helped with respite caregiver supervision too.  

Maybe you could support him by doing the research for cameras, adult day care and home aides. Did you use a Home Care service before? Although they’re often more expensive than finding an independent contractor home care aid, maybe they’d be more reliable. You could do some research there too. 

I hope you all can find some peace of mind soon.  

Gypsy J

Maybe it would help to point out that the best way to keep his father from being placed in a home is to be proactive NOW! This will not get better you both need to seek help from any resources available. Please reach out to your local council on aging, the VA if appropriate. So many great resources available. I have been amazed at the wonderful loving people out there willing to assist. 

God bless 

jfkoc

Exactly. You must be proactive right now to let your FIL stay at home.

1. Cameras

2. smoke alarms

3. no matches...disable stove

4. day care

5. fall alarm watch

6. no rugs

7. rollator perhaps

8. make certain he knows how to phone for help

people will add other items

Legal, monetary and medical papers up to date!!!!