Extreme Distress About Confusion

Katiejj

My 81 year old father has dementia and is rapidly declining.  He is so distressed and anxious about his confusion .  He’s constantly saying how messed up things are…he doesn’t know what to do…he will say he needs help, but then says he doesn’t know what he needs help with.  He is distressed and anxious to the point of tears.  This is breaking my heart and try my hardest to comfort him and reassure him that he is safe and I am there for him.  It doesn’t seem to help.  Any advice?

Carrie2023

Katie

My mom has been slowly declining for years, but the pace is quickening. She is confused about most things, sometimes making her very anxious. However, once she got her diagnosis of Alzheimers, it almost seemed like a relief to her. When she gets confused and anxious though, I try to distract her, get her interested in something else, or I simply talk with her as calmly as I possibly can. I found that if I let her know that I understand she's going through a lot but that I am here to help her, she usually calms down. You might try playing some soft soothing music as well - studies have shown that it helps. I hope this helps, at least a little.

Anonymousjpl123

I know for my mom her anxiety definitely eased when I showed her that she was safe, that I was, in fact, taking care of things. She can’t really understand the finances but every once in a while I check in with her, show her that she is not going broke, that all the bills are paid. She’s in assisted living with memory care so 75% of the people she is with have varying levels of memory issues. I wasn’t sure that would work so I did have to plan for her moving in with me. The number one worry was making her feels safe to cool her anxiety. Like Carrie said, relaxed tones (not my usual channel but I’m learning), distractions, and reassurance work best. Let him know it’s ok and whatever mistakes he made are not the end of the world. My mom struggles with mistakes and I just always tell her we will figure it out, no big deal. 

Thst said, I hope you have places to let off steam because no one does it 100 percent perfectly. 

Also maybe having some activities where he feels like he can manage might help. 

Anyway you sound like a caring person good luck.

M1

Welcome to the forum Katie.   Soothing environmental things may help, as suggested, but medication may help too.  Have you spoken with her docs about how anxious she is?  Might as well take advantage of every tool available.  Sorry you need to be here, but this is a good forum for help, support, and advice.

*Ollie*

Hi Katie,

My mom also loves calming music and that helps but her anxiety was so distressing and paralyzing for her (and thus for us) that we wound up consulting with her doctor who recommended some medication.    There was no way to distract her constantly as she gets caught in loops.   The medication has not eliminated her anxiety but it has taken the edge off.   

Do you live with him?  

Katiejj

I have moved in with him and have been here for 4 months.  I work full time and have a paid caregiver with him while I am working.  I try to lovingly remind him that he is safe and I am here for him, but nothing seems to help.  He knows he’s confused and the last few days have been so distressing for him.  We have tried the calm music, but he’s confused by that, too.

Katiejj

Thank you…we are trying the calming music.

sunnydove

Can your dad read? If so, signs might help. I use them a lot and even more so when I was still working. I have them in places my mom will see all the time. Most are just for comfort like " 'Your Name" loves you!" or " ' Your name" loves living here with you!" I would use lots of colors and make them very cheery. I have informational ones like " 'Name' is in the shower for a few minutes" (that one I have in a plastic sleeve to use over and over, whereas the others are posted around) and when I was working/traveling " ' Name' will be home tomorrow and can't wait to see you!" But you could also have ones that just say "If you need help with ANYTHING at all, just ask!"  The times when she would be upset by her confusion, I'd just tell her that it happens to me all the time too and that's why I'm so glad we can be here for each other. And I try to always have something cheery/uplifting on tv to keep her feeling happy. News or dark shows affect her even if she isn't actually watching them. We keep Animal Planet on most of the time and also play a lot of Funniest Home Videos. Cheery twinkle lights are on all day long in the room she spends the most time in. Whatever I can do to keep the environment feeling upbeat helps to keep her from feeling the stress of her condition.

Aljwhara

Kaite, 

I'm so sorry to hear this. it must be super hard to handle.

I can help with providing 4 sessions for you. helping you to navigate through these challenges. 

All sessions can be virtual or in person. it is for FREE, for the purpose of Skills2Care® training program.

I'm an occupational therapist and grad international student in the university of Pittsburgh.

I have 4 years clinical expertness with older adults and interested in individuals with dementia/Alzheimer and their caregivers. 

Please see the attached flyer for further details and you can reach out any time for any further questions. 

Aljwhara

Kaite, 

I'm so sorry to hear this. it must be super hard to handle.

I can help with providing 4 sessions for you. helping you to navigate through these challenges. 

All sessions can be virtual or in person. it is for FREE, for the purpose of Skills2Care® training program.

I'm an occupational therapist and grad international student in the university of Pittsburgh.

I have 4 years clinical experience with older adults and interested in individuals with dementia/Alzheimer and their caregivers. 

Please see the attached flyer for further details and you can reach out any time for any further questions. 

Honeypot333

Hi!

My mom has Alzheimer’s too and she gets extremely upset and anxious when she can’t remember something or gets confused. When she’s upset about being confused, I often times will just try to calm her. The anxiety just makes the confusion worse. I remind her that I’m here with her and that whatever she is trying to say or do will come to her, and if she needs help then I will help her. We take a lot of deep breaths and focus on slowing the heart rate down and relaxing. It’s only then that she will either remember what she is trying to say or she will accept me assisting her with whatever the task is. I find that helping her remember to have patience with herself really helps. It sucks- watching her go through this, and I too often times leave in tears. Hang in there!!!! Townsend 

Gypsy J

I recently went through a bad spell with my DH where the anxiety got very bad.  He was exit seeking and in distress. Try to talk sense or reassure him is just no longer an option. These dear souls with this disease reach a point where there is no reasoning with them. It comes down to keeping them safe and coping as best as possible. That being said I highly recommend seeking medical help. My DH ended up stay for a few weeks at a Geriatric Psychiatric clinic. These facilities specialize on Alzheimer/Dementia patients. They are short term stays where they focus on therapy and medication with the goal of stabilizing your loved one so they can return home. My husband benefited greatly from this therapy and they helped me with coping ideas as well.

Reach out to your area Council on Aging, the VA if that is appropriate. Please seek out all the resources available to you. You should not be doing this alone. I tried to do it all by myself for three years and was never so relieved when I finally started to ask for help.

God bless