How do I tell my husband he is going into a memory care unit?

Pipsmom

We're at the point that I don't dare leave him at home.  He still tries to help but he forgets what he's doing and doesn't finish.  Or he does something wrong, like handwash dishes without soap. He doesn't think he is in such bad shape.  There are times when he talks with me that he doesn't make any sense. They are words in the right order nouns and verbs etc, but together they make no sense.  He gets angry when I ask him to repeat what he has said.  I have paid a deposit on a care unit and need to get him in by March 24th.  I've asked to doctor to tell him but I know I'm going to get pushback from him.  The good news is that his daughter, whom he thinks highly of, is on board with me. This has been months in the making and I've got all my ducks in a row except telling him...

Nowhere

Does your husband have recall of conversations? If not, may be best to not say anything ahead of the time? Maybe just arrange to go out to lunch with him, and dine in the facility’s dining room? My husband’s doctor wrote up a prescription and gave it to him to receive in house memory care along with some PT. It went right over his head that he’d be moving in. Still, it didn’t go smoothly, as we should have entered a back door. Going through the front door into the lobby was a big old sign that said Welcome Home frightened him and he bolted. The other problem was because of Covid family couldn’t enter with him. It would have been a different scene if those factors could have been eliminated. Wishing you a smooth transition.

M1

I  don't think you discuss it with him. Most folks who need memory care are way beyond understanding the concept.  My partner was told repeatedly by her doc and each time it was a Groundhog day event.  A year later she still asks where she is and why i don't take her home, although she has forgotten where home is. It's very counterintuitive to treat your spouse that way, but it is what it is.  Good luck, glad his daughter is supportive.

Gig Harbor

About a week before tell him that your doctor wants to admit you to the hospital for tests and likely surgery. Tell him you will be in for about two weeks and the doctor said he needs to go to a place that will care for him. Just be very matter-of-fact and act as if it is no big deal. Reassure him that your illness is not life threatening and that you will get better. White lies sometimes are necessary. This worked well for my husband and my friends husband.

harshedbuzz

Pipsmom-

I suspect most families do not engage their LO in a conversation about moving into a MCF. Given that they have no vote in the matter nor capacity to appreciate that they've had a cognitive shift requiring a higher level of care and safety than one individual can provide, it seems pointlessly cruel. 

Since dad had anosognosia and we'd already had mom hospitalized for a scheduled surgery during which time we brought in a cousin saying she was there for a visit, we knew Gig Harbor's ruse wouldn't be applicable to our situation.

Instead, I spirited the needed clothing out and set up his room ahead of time and the day of, I drove my parents to the MCF explaining to dad that we wanted him to see a new doctor about getting stronger. The activities director whisked him away at the entrance and we left. The next day we said the new doctor at this fancy rehab center ordered PT. When he asked to come home, we told him it was up to the doctor. 

HB

Ed1937

This is a very hard part of the disease. I remember one member said they took their LO to a facility at lunch time. It was all set up with the facility ahead of time so everyone knew what was happening. They simply went to a new place for lunch, then the caregiver excused themselves to use the rest room. Then they quietly slipped out the door, leaving the LO to be cared for by staff. 

I also like Gig's idea, if it can work for you. You will need to read all of the posts, then use the one that makes most sense to you. You know your husband better than anyone, and you'll have a better idea of what might work. None of this is easy, and I wish the best for both of you.

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Gypsy J

I agree it depends on his conversation recall abilities. Personally I don't tell my DH details anymore. And I definitely tell white lies, for me it has reached a point where it is about keeping him safe and nothing else. I have had to make so many adjustments to our routine and lifestyle to facilitate keeping him safe. I rarely explain the changes and mostly he doesn't ask.