Brand new with no idea how to start. This is my first 20 minutes.

msmithserious

Hello. I strongly suspect, and I am not alone, that my wife's aunt is developing some form a dementia. She is 87, never been married, and always been the one to take care of people. 4 years ago, she lost her leg to cancer, and it was decided that her brother(80), my wife's father, would move in and support her financially and physically. This lead to some struggles, but things were going OK. Recently, the brother broke his leg in two places. This has upset the "routine". It has necessitated that the my wife and her siblings stay with them to provide transportation, let the dogs out (split-level home), clean, do laundry, etc. Since that time we have witnessed some things:

1.  Aunt is very forgetful. She cannot remember my wife's sister's name. To aunt, she is a stranger. I have been in this family for over 30 years, she told my wife that she had never heard her call me by my name before, even though she called me by my name only a few minutes earlier. 

2.  She is convinced that the family is telling secrets and plotting against her.

3.  She is become agitated and occasionally violent (she has beaten her brother feeble, blind dog, for urinating on the floor). 

4.  She yells at people.

5. She puts things in cabinets in weird locations, doesn't remember that she has an item, and then acts as if someone else put it there.

The examples can continue.

My biggest question is, how do we start to help her and my father-in-law. He is very "with it", is a former rocket scientist, whose memory and acumen rival mine (college professor). This is hurting him terribly. She claims to know her memory isn't very good, but she doesn't realize how bad it is. How do we approach the subject with her so that we avoid an outburst?

Thank you.

SusanB-dil

Hi msmithserious - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Who has DPOA and HIPPA for your aunt-in-law?  It sounds like she should at least be evaluated, if nothing else, for the agitation. Although she may have some form of dementia, other things can also be causing this turn of events, as vitamin deficiencies, UTI, among others.  But a doctor's evaluation and probably some bloodwork would be in order to determine what's up.  That level of agitation against people and pets is, of course, concerning.

Hang in there.  I'm sure others will have more suggestions for you.

Iris L.

msmithserious wrote:

1.  Aunt is very forgetful. She cannot remember my wife's sister's name. To aunt, she is a stranger. I have been in this family for over 30 years, she told my wife that she had never heard her call me by my name before, even though she called me by my name only a few minutes earlier. 

Memory loss is common, as you already know.

2.  She is convinced that the family is telling secrets and plotting against her.

The brain no longer can make sense of ordinary goings-on, so the PWD becomes suspicious.  You will have to learn new ways of communicating.  Give up trying yo explain or to rationalize.

3.  She is become agitated and occasionally violent (she has beaten her brother feeble, blind dog, for urinating on the floor). 

Re-home the defenseless dog.  This won't get better, only worse.

4.  She yells at people.

5. She puts things in cabinets in weird locations, doesn't remember that she has an item, and then acts as if someone else put it there.

The examples can continue.

All these are common.

Your aunt likely has anosognosia, a feature of dementia, which means she us not aware of her limitations, also that you cannot convince her of having dementia.  

 

My biggest question is, how do we start to help her and my father-in-law. He is very "with it", is a former rocket scientist, whose memory and acumen rival mine (college professor). This is hurting him terribly. She claims to know her memory isn't very good, but she doesn't realize how bad it is. 

This is the anosognosia.  She will never realize how bad it is.

How do we approach the subject with her so that we avoid an outburst?

Thank you.

Do not approach her.  Learn the work-arounds from the members.  They will help you.

Iris L.