Helping mom with a move

MollyAnnD

 Mom is healthy ready to move out of house to a more supported living environment. Dad has Alzheimer’s so they are moving to a multi care living complex. This includes independent living, assisted, living, memory care. Mom is the key caregiver and is excited to move. Dad doesn’t have any recollection of looking up places or reacting to discussions of moving, packing, discarding, etc. Every once in a while, it’s clear he’s frustrated by something, but isn’t able to articulate this. 

 Two questions

What can mom do to help dad move through the process of this move? Either get him engaged. Or, at least understanding that this is going to happen. I think that if he isn’t able to share any form of acceptance to this concept, it’s gonna be 10 times harder on her to actually move. 

The tactical question for someone who’s been living in the same house for 30 years. What advice do you have for her as she starts making decisions about what to discard and what to bring into a much smaller footprint home/living space? She seems to be experiencing a lot of feelings of loss, it’s hard to focus on all that she’s going to gain by being in a safe and social environment but outside of her home. 

I’ve been trying to do some searches on the move process. I’m not finding a lot of resources that I can share to her who is driving this effort versus me who is having to force them to move from their house.

I’ve been trying to do some searches on the move process. I’m not finding a lot of resources that I can share to her who is driving this effort versus me who is having to force them to move from their house. 

Thanks

towhee

MollyAnnD, welcome to the message boards. I suggest you post also on the Spouse Partner Forum as there are a few of us who only read one forum regularly.

Moving is stressful, even without having to deal with a person with dementia. With a PWD I would suggest first concentrating on what you need and use right now and try to keep bedroom and living area as familiar as possible. Expect the PWD to have some disorientation and possibly some temporary loss in abilities (ability to find the bathroom etc.)

To keep your moms stress levels lower you might have three "piles" or categories, Things you are sure you want, things you are sure you don't, and the things you are not sure about. If you can store the things you are not sure about, or leave them to the last, it might be less stressful.

Disruption and unusual activity can create behavior problems in people with dementia. If at all possible, someone should take your dad out for the day the move is scheduled and bring him to the new home after everything is moved in.

harshedbuzz

MollyAnnD wrote:

 Mom is healthy ready to move out of house to a more supported living environment. Dad has Alzheimer’s so they are moving to a multi care living complex. This includes independent living, assisted, living, memory care.

Hi and welcome. I have quite a bit of experience around this topic. I moved my parents (dad was the PWD) twice. A couple questions.

Mom is the key caregiver and is excited to move.

I have questions, too. Will they be moving into the same unit and will it be AL or an independent cottage/apartment? Or will dad be moving into the on-campus MCF from the start?

While I wasn't able to convince my parents to move into the CCRC of my choice, I do know residents in that community in which one spouse developed dementia from our support group. I do hope your mom isn't overestimating the "support" which comes with this life-changing move. Independent living is pretty much like living in any nice apartment where maintenance is provided. A hospitality model AL is likely to offer meals in the dining room, light housekeeping weekly, maybe medication management and a daily well check. At the end of the day, AL isn't going to relieve mom's caregiving duties although she may be able to more easily hire folks who work there to provide care so she can attend to her own appointments and such. 

 Dad doesn’t have any recollection of looking up places or reacting to discussions of moving, packing, discarding, etc. Every once in a while, it’s clear he’s frustrated by something, but isn’t able to articulate this. 

I am not surprised. TBH, I did not engage my dad in any decisions pertaining to their moves. I gave my mom a range of options I'd vetted for her to choose from. 

 Two questions

What can mom do to help dad move through the process of this move? Either get him engaged. Or, at least understanding that this is going to happen. I think that if he isn’t able to share any form of acceptance to this concept, it’s gonna be 10 times harder on her to actually move. 

The best thing mom can do is to protect your father from the logistics of the move. In addition to not consulting him, I would physically remove move him from the actual process. When I moved my parents to their temporary apartment after dad's diagnosis, I made it happen during his stay in rehab. I found them a place to stay, a realtor to sell their property in MD, moved key pieces from that house and even had the apartment painted in familiar colors. I left a lot of the furniture and such to stage the house while it was for sale. Once it sold, we donated some things and put others into storage which allowed me to show dad pictures of his stuff when he got stuck on that topic. 

Alas, mom was unhappy as a renter, so I found her a house. I even arranged for my dad's brother to pretend to tour with dad for consideration after we'd signed the papers to buy it. The weekend of the move I put my folks up in a very nice hotel and over saw the move with the help of professionals, my son and niece. We had the house in turn-key condition and had them in their new place in under 48 hours. As part of this move, we were able to move in some of the stuff from storage and jettisoned the rest.  My niece took a lot of it.

I also listed and sold their home in FL the spring after we moved them into the house. I sold that one turn-key and only shipped a few family pieces and personal items in a PODS ahead of settlement. 

IME, dad was fine so long as mom was calm and with him. Supporting her meant doing all of the logistics so she could focus on being present with him. If I were you, I would have them stay elsewhere while you move the basics into the MCF and then return to the house to deal with what's left. 

The tactical question for someone who’s been living in the same house for 30 years. What advice do you have for her as she starts making decisions about what to discard and what to bring into a much smaller footprint home/living space? She seems to be experiencing a lot of feelings of loss, it’s hard to focus on all that she’s going to gain by being in a safe and social environment but outside of her home. 

The bolded might be overly optimistic. She's experiencing a tremendous loss. Of her life partner. Of the home they created together. Of the golden years they'd planned. I found it best to acknowledge that and not try to sugar-coat what she gained (access to family) in the move. I would also caution that if dad's condition has deteriorated that a move to such a place is necessary, the social piece might not be all she hopes it will be. If dad can't be left alone, she won't have time to join the others in outings and clubs. And the other residents may not be welcoming of your dad. Our fellow support group member found the other ladies in their social group of several years kind of ignored his wife as she lost her social filter and ability to converse at their level. He still took her to the pool, gym, outdoor walking trails and to lunch (her best time of day) but started making meals in their apartment and hiring someone to stay with her so he could go to his activities. 

I’ve been trying to do some searches on the move process. I’m not finding a lot of resources that I can share to her who is driving this effort versus me who is having to force them to move from their house.

I’ve been trying to do some searches on the move process. I’m not finding a lot of resources that I can share to her who is driving this effort versus me who is having to force them to move from their house. 

I don't understand what you mean. Sorry.

Is she not happy with moving? Would her needs be better served by placing dad in a MCF and staying where she is now? At the end of the day my mom needed to live nearer me (she was a 4 hour drive or 3 hour flight away), but when we chose her current house the consideration was to find a place where she would want to be in stage 8 (after dad had died). 

HB

Thanks

Anonymousjpl123

I would focus on helping your mom, who’s still the key decision maker, and trying to find ways to as you say give your dad some sense of involvement. When we moved my mom it was really hard, and honestly we just had to weather through it. It got so much better after - she is soooo much happier - but the move was awful.

One thing that helped A lot was making sure she felt some ownership, some choice. So what I did is since a lot of her stuff came to my house (none of which I wanted but we all make sacrifices) I let her tell me where she thought it should go. She LOVED this. Are there small choices your dad can make? Where a painting goes? What time you eat lunch? These little choices were what helped give my mom her power back during a move she absolutely did not want. Again, she is much happier now. 

Good luck. You are doing the right thing and it will get better.