Anger

Another Day

M1

Another Day, I'm so sorry you are facing this.  it sounds very, very dangerous, and it is possible that you should move sooner rather than later.  There are some old posts about safety things--such as never, ever being anywhere without your cell phone, identifying a safe room with a door you can lock, and having a bag packed and in your trunk.  I'm sure someone will post a lonk to those old posts for you.

It was threats of violence that put my partner in the hospital and then in memory care a year ago.  You cannot and should not have to live under this threat.  Please think about what you can do now, don't wait for another incident.  You have reason to call the police today and ask to have him transported against his will to the nearest emergency room.  He likely will need prescription medication to tamp down the aggression, and that will be necessary before any facility would take him anyway.

Again, I am so sorry.  But you are the frog in the gradually boiling water here.

Twin Mom

Your situation is seriously dangerous.  Take him very serious at the threat of a shovel and cross.  You know he is not in his "right mind", and he needs help before the unintended happens.  You are the only one that can provide safety for you both.  Your safety is important.  I would highly urge you to call for help today...yes it is Saturday etc etc etc...but you have no control nor does he when that shoe will drop.  You love him and do not want him to end up in jail where he will be totally at the mercy of others.  Please help him today.  (You may not believe it is help...but it really is).  Please make that call.  Unfortunately, I am a poster child for not realizing we needed help before it was too late. Almost 8 years later I am still dealing with the legal mess and expense that might have been avoided.  I could never have imagined violence in my husband prior to this disease.

Phoenix1966

M1 and Twin Mom are exactly right. 

You said you moved into the upstairs bedroom. Do you lock yourself in every night with a fully charged cellphone clutched in your hand? Because he might wake up in the middle of the night and decide hitting you with a hammer, stabbing you with a steak knife or using his hands again is a good idea. Sorry to be blunt, but you are in danger. 

Call the police today. 

You wrote: The only thing that stopped me was the fact that I know this is not him. 

Your thinking is wrong. This is him now. Get him taken to the ER(ideally to an eventual Geri psych admission) where he can be properly medicated. Tell the hospital admin/social worker that you cannot take him back. There is no safe discharge plan in place and you fear for your life. They will find a place for him.

And remember this above all else: Your healthy husband, who is gone now, would not want you to live like this. 

Quilting brings calm

His brain is broken… but his hands are not.  His brain being broken isn’t a magical thing that will protect you from harm if he physically  attacks you.  You’ve already  found this out and took months to heal.  

His brain is broken.  He no longer understands logic as in ‘Don’t do this again or there will be consequences’.  He doesn’t understand ‘this’ ‘again’ or ‘ consequences.   He no longer understands that ‘this’  isn’t normal and that he shouldn’t do it   … if he ever did since you mention the physical abuse has happened more than once.  

This will happen again and the consequences could be  fatal  for you.  Please do what you need to do to get him out of your home. 

Ed1937

Caregivers ARE at times killed by their loved ones. Google it. He can't promise you anything, and you cannot use logic or anything else because that's a losing battle. And please don't give him an ultimatum. Please heed what everyone is telling you about staying safe. 

I doubt the police will do anything now because at the present time he is not doing anything to warrant an arrest. That's the tricky part. And if you call them, and they do not take him to a hospital or something, will that aggravate things even more? I think this is an area where you have to be careful, and not put yourself in a worse position than you are already in.

But you have to be safe. That means getting rid of any weapons and ammunition that may be in the house. That also means that you do not have anything available to him that he could use as a weapon, like hammers, screwdrivers, knives, whatever. That means having a "safe room" that can be locked from inside. Fully charged cell phone and charger available in that room. That room should also have a window large enough that, if necessary, you can climb out of. Leaving the house might be best if you have neighbors around. You can do a search for "Safety" to find older threads. Just be very careful.

F&E

Another Day,Please help ;protect yourself today; and get medical help for him so that you can continue helping Another day.your life has been threatened by a demented love one with the potential to act on it.pwd’s can turn on a dime out of the blue call the Alz.Association help line and ask to speak to a counselor .get him under control he may be homocidle

JoseyWales

This stage can go on for YEARS. Years and years. And it will probably get worse.

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ghphotog

I triple second what everyone else is saying. His brain is broken meaning he won't know when to stop until you are not moving anymore.  Very very dangerous for both of you right now. We know you love him but dying with his hands around your throat will not help either of you. I know it's very complicated but that means extreme measures. You've got to do it.

terei

I rarely post any more since my mom died a couple years ago of AD.  I am compelled to reply to this post.  It is one of the most perilous situations I have read about on this board.  

When your husband attacked + harmed you, you should have called 911 and had him transported, ultimately to a geri psych ward where he could be evaluated + medicated to control his dangerous aggression towards you.

He does not have the capability of controlling his actions + you should not trust that anything he says to you has any validity AT ALL.   At this point, until he threatens you again or you can video some proof of his threats/aggression, I would make sure that there is someone you know that is fully aware of your situation + is checking on you daily.

Whether things ‘are normal’ or not, you should not be tolerating his behavior + he is a dangerous, dangerous threat to you.   Please please please do whatever you can to see that he is treated in a locked facility.    I would have a sit down with the local police + his doctor  + explain the situation to them in their offices so they are aware of your danger if you should call during an emergency.   I would also not be giving him any supplements that could have any number of side effects, including irritability.  You have been living with this too long to see it as the dire situation that it is.

Dio

Quadruple ditto everything everyone has said. Do not hesitate to call 911. Get help now! Do not make excuses for him. His brain is not functioning as a normal person.

Just Bill

Another Day, verbal abuse is something we all tolerate. Once it crosses over to physical violence there are two things that are certain: 1) If it happened once it will happen again. and 2) Violence escalates quickly. He grabbed your throat and threw you against a wall and caused you physical pain for weeks. What saved you from further damage is you went limp and didn't fight back and he backed off. That scenario could have played out differently if you fought back or tried to defend yourself. His violence would have escalated until you stopped resisting. Maybe stopped moving temporarily or forever. Let that sink in. You have two choices for your safety: 1) Medicate him so he sits in a chair and drools non violently. or 2) Have him placed as soon as possible. I cannot emphasize what everyone else is saying enough. You have to take action. Now.

Twin Mom

Just Bill I have to take a little exception to the choices you presented "1) Medicate him so he sits in a chair and drools non violently". My husband is one who was violent ...his first physically violent act was his only.  Yes, he was criminally charged and convicted...and there were civil suits to follow...so I have a pretty good understanding of the "lay of the land" about what can go terribly wrong and the consequences.

He is "well medicated" and followed very closely by a geriatric psychiatrist from a university medical center alzheimer/dementia center.  He is physically functional and has the "ability" to enjoy life at whatever his level of understanding is. I also have almost instant access to the psychiatrist day or night...but have only needed it once.  Done properly, medication can work and does not have to leave someone drooling and nonfunctional.  I have seen no hint of physical violence, but were I to see any agitation or escalating behaviors of any sort I would not hesitate to get help immediately.  His diagnosis is bvFTD which says it all when it comes to behaviors I believe.

 Not getting someone the medical support they need and just placing them in a facility will most likely result in many dismissals from care facilities...so please don't encourage someone to believe it is an either or decision.

Ed1937

While I agree that Bill made some good points, I do not think drugging him up like that is the answer. Proper medication is a much better solution, and many times involves a geri psychiatrist. Medication has helped many people stay in the home environment, at least for some time.

It would be near impossible to find a facility that would take him if he is violent. That would only lead to problems for them, and that is not what they're looking for. They would be more apt to take him once the proper medication is found to work. 

M1

Another Day-we also (now just me) live on a 150 acre farm in a rural area, with good neighbors but none close or within shouting distance, with a gate on the property.  I was trying to hire help last spring, but let me emphasize that you won't be able to hire anyone if there's a threat of violence from him, all my plans went out the window once she threatened me (not to mention, finding anyone to hire in a rural area was hard in the first place).

almost certainly, he is going to have to be hospitalized and stabilized before you can do anything else. You may as well get your mind around that. It's crushingly hard i know.

Just Bill

Twin Mom and anyone else who may have been offended by my statement "Medicated until he drools in a chair non violently" I apologize for my insensitivity. I should have said "medicated until violent behavior is contained." I was exaggerating the solution to make a point. Violence cannot be tolerated. Full stop. If you are nursing a bruise it is already too late. You have to act.

ARgirl

Another Day,

I felt a true sense of deja vu when I read your post.  My husband has become very verbally abusive (diagnosed 11 years ago with early onset disease). Most recently, there are threats of violence, grabbing wrists, shoving. No blows yet, but I sense a decline and change in his demeanor and intent. Honestly, it scares me. I too understand his brain is broken, but my husband is still mobile and strong.  We are having a conference with our attorney, and family as to our next step.  It is a delicate balance protecting assets and moving to memory care.  I have an adult child at home with me that is also verbally abused. For the first time, I have hit a wall of how much more can we take?  I too will call the police if the situation escalates.  I thought I was a master at de-escalation but even these techniques are beginning to fail.  

So I am here with you. Wondering what to do next.  I so appreciate the input from others. And appreciate the understanding that no one except a caregiver understands.  Isolation and the abusive behaviors of the dementia patient are overwhelming. I ponder my next step and appreciate the input I have read here.

Quilting brings calm

I watched a Cold Justice episode today that cited a statistic.  If you have been the victim of domestic abuse choking or strangulation and survived, you are 750 times more likely to die of another attack.  I searched on the internet and here is just one of several articles I found: 

 https://www.kob.com/archive/report-choking-strangulation-victims-750-more-likely-to-be-killed-by-offender/

Ed1937

Quilting, that link leads to a real eye opener. Thanks for posting.

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Buggsroo

I also would like to say you can’t stay in this dangerous situation. Everyone here has given you excellent advice. I grew up with an abusive father who was an alcoholic. He had a hair trigger temper, somewhat like your husband. 

Please do protect yourself, yes his brain is broken but he has the ability to really hurt you. 

He needs to be admitted to hospital where they can medicate him and then work on getting him placed. You need your life back. 

ghphotog

That's great! I hope it all works out for you.

Iris L.

Another Day wrote:

He has been physically abusive in the past, the last attack was out of the blue, there was nothing going on that I could sense danger, no build up ???? He grabbed me by my throat and while choking me slammed me backwards. My neck and back took months to heal. That's the closest I've ever some to leaving him or calling the police. 

In addition to the other pertinent advice, I want to address this.  There is a cycle of abuse.  This has been on-going, with abuse, then apology, things are calm for a while, until it happens again.  Please read about "battered wife syndrome".  You could do with counseling to help you escape psychologically from this cycle that you are in.  You can call a women's shelter and ask to speak with a counselor on the telephone.  I was a certified domestic violence counselor and did counseling over the telephone.  IMO, you need personal support to help you move forward.

Iris L.

Twin Mom

Just Bill ...thank you for the apology...most importantly people need to understand that meds in the right prescriber's hands can be titrated in many cases to allow for function, but do away with the dangerous and unacceptable behavior.  Unfortunately, just because someone has MD behind their name it does not mean they have the qualifications and experience to prescribe every med...even though they may be genuinely trying to help....

Another Day....that is fantastic that you may have someone to be able to come stay while you sort things out.  I would think this would maybe increase your safety a bit, because I know in our case when it went bad it went horribly bad in the blink of an eye.  Unfortunately, there are no "do overs", and in our case I had no hint of violence just increasing agitation and erratic behavior which could not be reasoned with.  Now I know why (the hard way).

Iris L.

ARgirl wrote:

  I too will call the police if the situation escalates.  

It is a good idea to determine if your local PD has a PET (psychiatric evaluation and transport) team for such cases.  It may go by other names.  Even in my area, a big metropolis, the police are now admitting that they do not have sufficient training to address the psychiatric patients.  Often, PWDs don't respond to commands appropriately, and the situation can easily escalate.  It is good to know if trained professionals would respond to your situation. 

Also, it is a good idea to determine where the geriatric psychiatric hospital is for your area.  Ask around, so he can be directed there, if possible.

Iris L.

Iris L.

Another Day wrote:

. I may have someone in the mix to come stay here at least temporarily.

Several years ago I went to stay with a friend and her young child because she had escaped from a bad situation.  At the time I was too naive to ask about the particulars of her situation, whether he was violent.  Now I know better than to put myself into a domestic violence situation.  I was in no position to protect her or the child or myself, if he had become violent or had a gun.  I say this to say, be cautious about involving an unprepared person into this dangerous situation.

Iris L.

ghphotog

Iris, so true that these types of situations can escalate very quickly when LE is not trained. Don't know if you've ever heard of John Hyde. Police did a welfare check on a mental person and now two police officers are dead including others they were unaware of. Now they don't take chances. I think they've had a bit more training these days but if an officer goes in blind then anything could happen.

However the police may still be the best and safest alternative but who am I to say.

I think now they have de-escalation units or crisis management officers but in any given situations quien sabe.

M1

Another Day, if it hasn't already occurred to you to do so, you need to put all your observations --including every detail of his violence and threats of violence towards you, including the recent "cross and shovel" comments--in writing for the doctor, and either send it to them ahead of time or take it with you and give it to them when you get there (without your DH seeing it, of course).  You will likely not be able to discuss these things in front of him, but they need to know and to understand how serious the situation is.   Don't mince words or downplay it.  I hope they will send him for admission straightaway.  That is what happened here last year.  i was able to eke through a weekend with extra sedatives, but had a message for her doc on my phone when I took her in, and they sent her straight to a psychiatric ward for admission.  She hasn't been home since.  We told her it was because her blood pressure was out of control and she never knew the difference.  Once you are both in safe place, they can help you figure out what the options are, whether he may be able to come home, or not.

Another Day

M1 - I'm hand delivering that very thing this morning to our doctor, still waiting for an opening, hoping this helps. Thank you.

M1

Fingers crossed for you, keep us posted when you can.  Be careful and again, so sorry.