floundering in stage 8

LadyTexan

My DH Jesse passed away 4/5/22. I miss him more than I can explain.

I have struggled with grief and the pain of losing my love and my best friend. Over the last several months, I have been able to reflect on happy times. I have been able to laugh out loud at our private jokes. I have been overwhelmed by the blessing of the love we shared. The grief is difficult, but I comfort myself knowing that grief is the price we pay for great love.

I am in one on one counselling. I attend a grief group twice a month.  

I am grateful his suffering is over. I am grateful we shared a happy life together. 

Lately, my mind is filled with what we were going through, this time last year. DH was on hospice. I was exhausted. He was in pain. He was medicated. I don't want to have my mind filled with the miserable memories. I can't seem to focus on the happy times right now.

I hate this disease. I hate what it did to my vibrant, adventure loving husband. I am heartbroken.

I suppose this is a VENT. 

M1

LT I am so glad to hear from you. I suspect you're having an anniversary reaction-i am too, not that naming it helps all that much.  I was thinking of you this morning and trying to remind myself to be grateful, when in fact i am feeling down and grief-stricken most of the time.  Today is my partners 82nd birthday, and she cried when she saw me, because I can't take her home.

Vent all you want. Hope your parents are okay, you didn't get much downtime.

ghphotog

I'm sorry for your loss and I hate this freaking disease to

jfkoc

I so understand...hugs sent........

Ed1937

Hi Lady. It's good to hear from you again, but I wish it were easier. I'm sorry. Please stop back whenever you feel like it to let us know how things are going. We've been thinking about you.

storycrafter

Anniversary seasons can be so intense and difficult. They take me by surprise how complex it can be. Sometimes it feels like I imagine it would be riding waves in a turbulent sea. We have to ride our surfboard and tether ourselves to it for the time being for those times the waves overwhelm us. I hope the intense heartache eventually eases for you and you find rest and comfort.

Daughter of a Marine

Lady Texan, I remember you from the chat room a few years ago - I'm so very sorry for your loss.  What you describe sounds to me like post traumatic stress disorder, and why not?? What you have witnessed and experienced with your love takes a significant toll and we are changed by this level of emotional trauma.  I lost my dad to advanced Alzheimer's in 2017 and now my DH has Dementia, likely mid stage.  We constantly deal with lost items, conversations of 5 minutes ago forgotten, confusion over where we are in time, names and relationships of family members, agitation, I could go on.  I know the toll this takes on me and can only imagine that as your precious LO progressed through end stages, the trauma only increased.  You need time - time to heal, time to grieve and time work through all you have lost and experienced.  My thoughts and prayers are with you, dear one. Please pray for those of us still walking this road.