Is Lying a thing?

TraciW153

I first wrote last June - then I had to help run a camp. I was grateful for the suggestions then I forgot about this site due to life.

When I returned from camp, Mom had a UTI and had worsened to the point that I couldn't believe. Thankfully, I left people to care for her.

Then a few months ago, she climbed on a step-stool and fell and fractured her spine which needed surgery. That affected her too.

Now, she's getting back to her pre-UTI state but still confused and it goes up and down.

I'm wondering about lying. She's always told those "little white lies" and I knew so while growing up. Now, I'm catching her in lies and sometimes don't know if she is lying on purpose or is confused? I think at times she is lying but I don't know. Is she pretending she forgot how to use the tv remote because she wants me to come down to her house? (just 100 yards or so).

Can people remember one day then not the next the different the next???

Thanks

PS - I'm bookmarking this site now

GwendolynD

Hi Traci,

I'm fairly new to this site too, but I have seen my mom, who has a couple forms of dementia, forget how to use something, and then weeks later suddenly remember how to work it.

The TV remote was the perfect example.  Mom has forgotten how to use many things, and right when I moved her in with me in early February, she forgot how to use a TV remote.  In my mom's case, I could tell she really was confused and did not know how to operate it.  I had my son pick up her TV and remote from her home, install it, and she still had no idea how to use it.

Suddenly this weekend she has remembered!  She is changing channels and turning the TV on and off.  Even the large one in our family room (which has a completely different type of remote).  I was so surprised!

I'm sure this will change at some point again.  My mom has been diagnosed with probably lewy body dementia and also likely primary progressive aphasia.  I don't know if the type of dementia she has can result in this "unlearning/remembering" but it really was odd!

Take care 

LicketyGlitz

Are you guys familiar with Wendy Mitchell? She is living with dementia, and tweets/blogs about the experience, and then finally wrote a book! Here's an explanation from her that might give some insight into your dementia folks:

"We have a complex brain disease. . . . Image the brain as a string of fairy lights. Each fairy light representing a different function of the brain. Some lights flicker on and off – dementia affecting our ability to do something one day and then we’re able to the next. But when the light fail altogether that’s when dementia has won and has taken that ability away for good. But different fairy lights flicker and fail for each of us. . . ."

 Her book is available on Amazon if you're looking for more clues as to what your Mom might be going through: https://www.amazon.com/Somebody-I-Used-Know-Memoir-ebook/dp/B075HY2JSQ

There were times in the early journey with my mom's dementia Traci where I was like "Is she not remembering on purpose?" Wendy's explanation helped me rethink my responses as well as finally coming to the conclusion that it didn't matter. My frustration those times when I thought she was lying to manipulate me just made the situation worse, so by letting go of that I got better at finding ways to deal with whatever the current issue was instead of denying there was an issue 'cause someone was making sh*t up!

I hope you are both having a good caregiver day today.

GwendolynD

LicketyGlitz, thank you very much for the book recommendation!  I am going to download this one - it looks like a very insightful (and amazingly positive) read.  I was not aware of the author.

Thanks again!  Today is a good day and I love it when we get one

TraciW153

Thanks, it helps to hear similar stories, as much as I wish others didn't have to go through this.

I'll also check out the book. I started my own book - from a daughter's view, no title yet.

I've come a long way and usually don't blow up. but on some days, when "her lights flicker out" and I think they should be on, my patience flickers out. But, I've made progress.

I might have said this, but about a month ago, she lost ability to use computer and cellphone. That's how she kept in touch with her old support system. I know it's made her lonelier. I have little signs taped everywhere. On her phone there's a note that says "Hey Siri, Call Traci..." 

Thanks again, I am immensely grateful to be here. I think I found a new home.

Ed1937

"I started my own book - from a daughter's view, no title yet." Sounds like a title to me.

Traci, I'd bet she is not lying. I think caregivers almost always wonder if they're trying to pull the wool over our eyes at times. But chances are slim that they're putting us on.

Iris L.

I'm so glad Wendy was able to write her book from the perspective of a PWD.  Such books are very necessary!  People need to know that the PWD is still a person and is struggling every moment to keep up with the everyday world.  So often family members accuse the PWD of lying or or trying to manipulate.  Pershaps the PWD is thinking, "Why don't they understand me anymore?"  The confusion is not one-sided. 

Iris L.

harshedbuzz

Traci-

Untruths are absolutely a thing. 

I don't know that one can objectively label this lying as the PWD, by definition, has poor memory and executive function abilities. 

Sometimes "lies" are because they truly believe something. These are sometimes delusions. An example might be saying they had a shower because it was previously their custom to shower first thing in the morning. 

Other times, they recall something but can't recall the who, what, where and will backfill those holes with semi-plausible details. This is called a confabulation and my dad did it a lot. Dad often credited me with doing awful things my late sister had done which felt a bit like re-writing family history.

To your question, I don't think your mom is playing you. In fact, it makes perfect sense to me that the ability to work a TV remote would tank around the same time as the loss of the ability to use a smart phone or computer as memory loss is LIFO and they would presumably be skills learned in the same era.

My own dad did hold onto his ability to use the TV remote a bit longer than his computer and phones (both smart and flip). At a certain point he couldn't even recall which remote was which and would try to control the TV with the remote from the fan or with his flip phone. A dear friend moved her mom in when mom hit the middle stages. They bought a new house with an in-law suite for mom and my friend actually had her dryer retrofitted from gas to electric at a considerable cost in a bid to maintain some of her mom's independence. By the time they moved in, mom had forgotten how to use the washer/dryer and countertop microwave she'd used weeks prior. 

You don't mention mom's diagnosis, but sometimes those who have vascular dementia do seem to decline in a series of longer plateaus followed by a sudden onset drop in abilities that can be remarkable. My aunt's dementia progressed in this matter-- she'd be stable for months and then suddenly be unable to do stuff she'd done the evening before. 

For many with all kinds of dementia, skills and abilities can wax and wane through the day as well. Many PWD are at their best in the late morning and afternoon and may struggle with things in the evening that weren't an issue a few hours earlier.

HB

Dublinred99

OOh boy, is it a thing. My mom probably does it several times a day.

But I'm not entirely sure I can really call it lying in most cases. She has both Alzheimer's and dementia, along with hallucinations,  delusional,  anxiety, etc. She'll say things that she truly believes that I know aren't true. But to her they are. I have to pick and choose which ones to politely try to explain to her that what she thinks was said or done, wasn't actually.

towhee

yes, abilities can change not only day to day but hour to hour.