The end is near??????

Burnouted

Hi. I'm new here and I'm very confused and saddened.

This is a long read..sorry.

My 90 year old mom seems to gradually be fading away.

I don't know how to cope or handle the changes or change in general.

I'm 40, been living with my foster mom since 11. When I came she was in her 60s very active and alive. Always working, cooking, participating in outdoor activities, always going somewhere, always hosting holiday dinner, watching grands, going to the gym to exercise, etc ... She lived an active full life.

Several years back we took in another foster child who was the same age as me when we took her in...we had to give her up at 16 when she just refused to listen, go to school, come home, etc... When she left the decline and toll it took in my mom began to become prevalent.

My mom stopped working, and leading the active lifestyle she had previously lead.

October 2018 my mom was hospitalized and almost lost due to what doctors felt was an epileptic seizure.

Although she recovered, her memory was permanently affected.

Since New years eve of 2022 up untill now, she has been hospitalized on and off about 4 times already. Twice she spent 6 days in the hospital.

The doctors believed it to be a "mini" stroke and also diagnosed her with an aphasia disorder.

While she was having these mini stroke episodes each time her language was garbled and distorted. She would often repeat phrases, she wasn't able to properly communicate with me. She could not formulate complete thoughts or sentences.

So far since the start of this month (Feb) she has not needed hospitalization.

The hospitalization took a major toll on her.

She frequently is extremely tired, fatigued, and her memory has further decreased, her communicative skills have improved but sometimes the aphasia comes and goes.

I have remained living with her throughout the years, still currently live with her ..I am her caregiver.

She has 4 son's and family that don't do much for her, except occasionally take her to appointments, and call her. They have distanced themselves from her in the passing years.. It wasn't like this when I first arrived. The family unit was strong and united..

Ever since she has gotten older, and stopped hosting holiday meals, they have tapered off.

Our house is slowly falling apart.

We have been after her son's for months about major house repairs, but they have yet to complete it.

They give the excuse of being "too busy", but yet they have very active social lives.

My mom has always been an enabler and constantly coddles them and makes excuses for their behaviors and actions.

Ever since I arrived, I haven't been apart of their family. They have always shown disinterest in me as a person. All of them have always been super fixated focused on and joyous about the fact that I have always been here to help and take care of their mother.

They have always bragged about this to everyone. In all the years I've been here, all or most of the conversations we have are transactional and of a business nature. "Open up the door.", "Tell my mother this and that ", "what type of medication is she on", "who are her doctors", "How is she today?" , Etc...

They all don't even know anything about me, never bothered to ask. They don't even know my birthday, my last name, my age, etc...

None of them have ever spoken to me, they speak at me.. mom included.

When my daughter of fur passed on almost 2 years ago (tragic horrific story in which I was blamed. I was the only one concerned about her health, everyone ignored me and her and our pleas for a month..up untill that day ).. no one consoled me...they consoled mom, always constantly calling her. Extending condolences to her, etc...

My mom has always verbally abused me insulting and offending me often. She still does off and on.

She's never trusted me and has never given me any credibility or believed me and only me about anything.

When she doesn't understand me or doesn't agree with my opinions... it's her often telling me that she can see why my biological family didn't want me, that she can see why I don't have friends or a husband..... She labels me as "difficult" and saids a husband would kill me..smh.

When the handyman use to come and do work ..he was highly inappropriate with me and would say sexually explicit things to me. Along with our currently flirtatious exterminator. I told her about these things, and she has basically said that I should make myself scarce because she was still hiring them.

She has never been this way with any family nor strangers. It's just me.

Her son's have also been verbally abusive and have been very manipulative in order to get their way.

They have also vaccine shamed and bullied me. I have health and mental problems. I have a bad heart condition that makes everything very difficult for me to accomplish. I am permanently unemployed for the remainder of my life.

My doctor highly advised not to recieve the shots because of my health problems.I told them.

They all threatened to kick me out, and told me that if I didn't get the shot that I would be killing their mother. That her death would be because of me and how I wouldn't want that on my conscious. My mom would argue with me basically saying that I should get the shot for her..and I must not care about her if I didn't get it. I told her what her children said to me, and she didn't see anything wrong with it.

Against my better judgement, I got the shot and have had adverse reactions and side effects since.

My days are generally spent in silence and alone unless my mom asks me something or wants something.

This has always been though.

The previous home that I was in treated me terribly too. They abused me every single day, multiple times a day during my 2 year stay..and they never were bothered with me. They made me watch their two biological kids (2, 3) all day while they stayed holed up in their room together.

Present day, mom sometimes gets paranoid and goes on rants about how I'm not giving her the correct medication,(her medication has changed since arriving home) how it's probably my fault that she had been hospitalized all of these times, (er doctor blamed her primary doctor for her previously taken medications. Noted he felt it was too much and didn't need to be on those so he changed it). Her primary doctor had given her a summary sheet of medications printed out doing her last appointment 5 days ago and told her to learn it.

This was a very bad idea. She has trouble understanding alot, and has been constantly picking it up throughout these 5 days..in an effort to force herself to remember and understand.

These 5 days she has questioned me constantly about it. I have explained it to her multiple times and she doesn't get it.

She has called her doctor and was explained to clearly which she understood one day, and the next day after she didn't remember speaking to him and was once again confused.

I told her that she's just not going to understand and that she should trust me. That I have been giving her the correct medication.

Still doesn't believe me.

Mom got upset with me today after she send me on a food run downstairs 3 times within 10 minutes bringing her food for her to return it and request something else..neither eating anything..she got angry that I said I cannot continue to run up and down the steps in this fashion ..as I have serious health problems too. She got snippy, and condescending saying that she just will do it , because she is tired of my "complaints". That was the only thing uttered from me.

Today, she was confused and couldn't remember if she had eaten today. I explained to her that yes, she had eaten 3 square meals. I could tell it wasn't registering and setting in for her. 

She said that she will have to start writing it down. I hope not. Writing things down only confuses her more..and she becomes obsessive in trying to force herself to remember on demand.

Her appetite has drastically decreased since the prior hospitilzation. She eats over half the amount she ate prior. She couldn't eat a half of sandwich earlier. She took a few bites, and didn't want anymore. 

She hasn't a taste for anything. She doesn't enjoy food anymore.

Lately since last year everyday or every other day, she accuses me and is very adamant about me adding more clothes to her wardrobe. I've never added anything. 

She just forgets that she has a closet full of preexisting clothes. 

Do things like this happen in stages of alheimers or dementia??

I feel like the "end" is almost here for her. She has recently been omitting a unfamiliar odor, her appetite has drastically decreased, her clothes hang off her due to weight loss, one of her eyes has been partially closed/droopy almost in a "lazy" eye fashioned, when she looks at me sometimes she seems like she's far away, eyes glazed (it has also been said that perhaps dementia may be setting in)

Does this sound like she's going to pass soon, perhaps within the year??

How do I know if it's dementia setting in??

What do I do with myself and life if she passes before me?

I'm 40, permanently unemployed, semi bed ridden, no income, no biological family, I've never had a friend..nobody has ever taken an interest or wanted to be bothered with me ever since I was a child, I have severe social anxiety, anxieties, PTSD, I don't like people, I don't like being around people, I am in the house 24/7, etc...

What do I do if they kick me out??

I feel like giving up on life.

TraciW153

I'd suggest never giving up. This is your one and only life. I've been there at the end of the rope, and life always, always changes. 

Sorry it's difficult for you. We never know when someone's end is here, until it is. Perhaps we know when it's close. My stepdad was sick for several years, thought it was his time and he lived another year. My Dad was basically fine, ended up in hospital for leg then had massive brain hemorrhage and died within 10 days, which was a few months after my stepdad passing.

I have a brother who rarely writes Mom or myself - if he calls, it's always about him. I've learned to let go and know that I won't expect support from him.

It's great you've found a place to reach out to others. I hope you find the support you need. Sorry I have no real help or advice. 

loveskitties

It seems like you have 2 major issues.

Your "mom" and your own personal situation.

I would suggest for yourself you contact your local social services and see if they can be of any help in relocating you and getting you the help you need.

The situation with your "mom", is a no win for you.  Given you are not actually related to her, you have no authority over her and her children appear to take it that you are the "help" who gets "paid" with room and board, at least from what you shared.

Save yourself, and let her children take over her care.

Jo C.

loveskitties is correct:   There are two separate significant problem issues that exist.  One issue is regarding yourself, the other issue is your foster mother's care needs.

The major problem and the most important issue that drives all else is your own situation and that is the situation that makes everything else more complicated.  I do not know from your writing whether you have any mental health services or not.

It is true; despite the anxiety and personal feelings, the best thing you can do is to get yourself out of that situation that you have described.  You will need to do some online searching and calling and find the Social Service offices that can best help you in your condition and situation.  They should be able to find you housing and other supportive services to enable you to get out of the horrible no-win situation you now live in. If you have mental health services or have received mental health serviccs in the past, that group may be able to assist with their social services staff.

Once you have protective alternative options for your own life, you can get out of the deplorable dynamics you are presently living in.  There is NO solution to the dynamics now in place with your foster mom and her adult children as you have described them if you do not make a change for yourself.  You actually appear to possibly be a dependent adult who is being abused . . . there are different kinds of abuse; not all are physical . . . abusive behavor including mental or emotional abuse of a dependent adult is actually against the law . . . it is within your own capability to reach out to get help and get yourself out of the situation you are presently living in.

As for the foster mother who is also abusive, it does not sound as though her death is imminent.  From what you describe, it may however be time for Hospice to step in to manage her care; there is no cost for this.  They do not do 24 hour care, but there would be an RN to make visits, a bath aide a couple of times a week to do her hygiene, and medically necessary equipment at no charge to the family as well as having a social worker to help with care service needs. There is also caregiver emotional support.  With Hospice, the patient does not go to the hospital nor does one  perform heroic life saving measures; it is comfort support within the home OR in a care facility until the time of death.

If Hospice is to be provided in the home setting, someone needs to be in the house as a caregiver - it does NOT have to be you and you are NOT obligated.   If there is no one in the house to be a caregiver, then Hospice CAN be provided in a nursing home setting.  If your foster mother has money, then she would pay for the cost of the care facility and Hospice is free.  If she has no money, then Medicaid will cover the cost of nursing home care as long as the nursing home is contracted with the Medicaid.  This is an option many caregivers choose depending on their situations; many do go into nursing home care with Hospice service oversight.

It seems from what you state, that you stay where you are out of inability to find your own care needs; that is uinderstandable as you describe it all, but the key to everything else - only you hold the key and you can when ready to choose to use it and  reach out for help by looking for such help for yourself. It may be a bit scary and you may well have to be a bit brave, but if you truly have reached your limit and desire a better quality of life for yourself, you can hopefully do this.  I so hope you will be able to reach out if that is your choice and have that bring a better quality of life and to find peace.

Let us know how you are, we will be hoping for the best that can be for you,

J.

Iris L.

Welcome!  In addition to the mental health and social services mentioned above, consider calling a domestic violence hotline.  Domestic violence is not only physical; verbal abuse, name-calling, shaming,etc., fall under domestic violence.  Another name in your community might be Women's Shelter.  They are specifically trained in making a plan to escape, and can get you to another location, far from where you are now.  They also can refer you to resources.

You are not worthless nor without personal strength.  Look at all you have withstood all these years!  You are a VICTOR!  You can take care of yourself. If you can, search for "Desiderata" on the internet, and repeat it to yourself as often as possible until you believe it.  It helped me at a time when I was in a bad way.

You say you cannot work.  I think it would help you to contribute outside the home.  Think about a volunteer job, a few hours a week.  You might work at an animal shelter.  If this is not possible now, consider getting out to a senior center or to a disabled resources center.   It will help you to be around other, nice people.  This will help your self-esteem.  If the senior center won't admit you due to your age, you might volunteer there.

Don't give up!  There is a place for you where you can feel comfortable and proud of yourself!  Keep posting.  We are here for you!

Iris L.