Going Home(5)

ClarkEb · March 2023

First TIme, although i have read quite a bit of the posts. I have a tendency to ramble. I know there are not many solutions to the various situations encountered when assisting a person with dementia, but my hope is that someone has had similar experience and could provide suggestions. The day starts with “when are we leaving” or “are we going home today” and usually ends with “What time are we leaving in the morning” or “are we ever going back to our home in …..”. There will be several trips during the day, they start with LO placing things in the car. The day is full of “i want/have to take this or that home” comments.I use errands or going to get take out, as a way to accomplish the “trip” during the main part of the day. In the evening, it is usually a trip up and down our local roads (we live in the country). The evening trips usually end with “thank you for bringing me home, would you like to come in for a minute”. The trip after dinner (and dishes are done) usually starts with “thank you for the hospitality and meal” and “i have to go/get home and get ready for work (retired), do my homework, get the kids ready for bed (took care of her younger 3 siblings). Then the last trip is usually when it is time to retire. “Are we staying here tonight”. “I would like a good nights sleep and cant get it here, this is not my home”. The trips are every day anywhere from two or three or four to five. I think boredom is part of the problem, but LO one has almost no interests outside the home. Most of our previous activities (walking the beach looking for Beach Glass) sitting by the water (we are bordered by the Chesapeake bay and Potomac river) have stopped. LO seems to have fear of being to close to the water. LO is a certified Water Safety Instructor. Hobby and Craft interests are all gone. LO diagnosed 2021 with Moderate Demential, but no source has been identified yet. There more to this, i look forward to any feed back and/or suggestions. Thank you.

Ed1937 · March 2023

Hello Clark. Welcome too our little community. Sorry you have a need for it, but it's a good one. You will get a lot of understanding and support here, and questions answered.

As far as the source of dementia, you will not get it unless they run several tests , and find something that is causing the symptoms. There are many conditions that can mimic symptoms of dementia, and there are some that are treatable. Here is a link concerning that. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/reversible-conditions-that-can-be-mistaken-for-dementia-476370.htm

You will probably not get a lot of information from the medical field, other than a diagnosis. Posting questions here will get you a lot more info than you will get from a doctor. You should read prior posts as much as possible to get a good understanding about dementia. Here is another good link for you. https://www.alzconnected.org/uploadedFiles/understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

MaryG123 · March 2023

I’m so sorry ClarkEB. You are very kind to go along with her concerns and take her driving when you can. I doubt that she’s bored, just confused and lonely for her early life in a secure place. I’m sorry I don’t have any other suggestions, except maybe distracting her with another activity.

Vitruvius · March 2023

The day you describe with your LO is nearly identical to what I went through with my DW for a while. Putting things in the car, all kinds of household odds and ends. Needing to take them "somewhere" that she couldn't really identify. The multiple daily aimless drives that were the only way to keep her a bit more calm. We went through it. Sadly my DW is now Stage 7 in an MCF so those days are past, but I know your pain.

My DW also did not always recognize either me or our home, but she wasn't as persistent about it as your LO sounds. And like you it seems, my DW didn't recognize me as her husband but still treated me as someone she was more or less comfortable with.

I don't think these trips are boredom. I think my DW no longer could understand the rhythm of her day, she knew she should be doing something but could no longer grasp what it might be. She just felt compelled to do something, and this is what her dementia came up with.

The only escape from this was to get her into a daycare program. She didn't always like it, especially at first, but the program was terrific and they knew how to keep her distracted and engaged in activities far more than I could do at home. If there is anything like this around you I urge you to give it a try. It can be a struggle for a few weeks, but she eventually came to expect it as part of her routine. Her biggest issue about going was actually not about the program, but she didn't like leaving me, I was her anchor.

Unfortunately on days she wasn't in her daycare, she became even a bit more obsessed with the drives, I think because she now had expected the daycare as part of her routine, and it was missing. Weekends mean nothing to a PWD. But the daycare was still more than worth it, believe me.

That's all I can offer, either than to say that this too shall pass. I almost view those days with a tinge of longing, a time when DW was still present enough to go on drives, errands and to a lunch spot with me.

Joe C. · March 2023

Clark, Welcome but sorry you needed to seek out our community. My wife also went through the “I have to go home” stage earlier in the precession. I also found it easier to take here for short rides since reasoning with her was fruitless. The one thing I did to cut down on the number of rides was just any delaying tactic; we’ll go after diner, it’s going to rain soon so let’s wait till it’s over, we’ll go tomorrow; any excuse I could think up to delay taking another ride. Good luck.