Getting into their reality

Dio

Last night, I watched the latest episode of the tv series "A Million Little Things" which had an arc about a main character's father who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. The son was having trouble dealing with his father's confusion and forgetfulness, constantly trying to explain and/or set things straight. Then another character shared her experience dealing with her grandfather. Basically, she said that it's now their reality. If we try to get the patient to see things our way, it just confuses them more and they become more agitated and scared. Her experience was that if she went into his world, things got much easier.

It was a huge reminder for me. This morning, I tried to apply that principle to my dealings with DH. Most of the time, it worked to soothe his anxiety. However, there are still moments when I simply couldn't get into his reality, such as when he's telling me "don't do this/that" or "you're doing everything wrong." So I turned it around and asked him to show me how it should be done. Yet, he shirked from that suggestion and told me to just do it, then repeated the don'ts. This exchange would go back and forth until I lost my patience.

Just Bill

The best way to handle that situation is tell him to walk you through it and just do what you were going to do anyway and respond uh-huh, uh-huh to his instructions. And afterward thank him for his help. Tell him if he hadn't walked you through it you would have been lost. In his mind you are lost and he is in charge. Let him think he is directing you. Make a game of it. It is pointless to argue or reason with him. If he says grab the frammis washer with your left hand and the ginsberg pin with the right hand, go ahead and grab the main housing group with both hands and go ok got it ! Thanks again for your help ! The more negative the tone of the criticism the more positive your uh-huh response has to be. I let my wife tell me what to do all day, I don't do most of it but I nod and smile a lot and my responses are obnoxiously positive. It's hard to argue with a smiling agreeable face.

Another Day

I've been dealing with this stuff for years! Did not realize it was part of it, why....we need to be better educated about dementia and Alzheimer's. I've learned so much since joining alz.org 

I've been handling some things absolutely wrong, other things I've lucked into handling correctly. Fortunately, we have many with experience and knowledge here who are really helpful. 

Dio

Just Bill, thanks for the suggestion. I gave it a go. As he was ranting about me doing the coffee all wrong. I asked him to walk me through it. He went on to say that I didn't put the water into the coffee brewer. So I asked him to watch me pour the water in. Then I placed the k-cup in. He then said, don't use up the last pod, that's the last pod, we don't have any more left. I showed him the box full of k-cups. He was surprised, but acknowledged the surplus. And then just as I pressed the start button. He repeated everything again, frantically insisting that I hadn't poured the water in, that I'm going to break the coffee machine, and that I used up the last pod. Dear God, please help me! How can I get into this reality? I just hope this phase will pass soon. This has been going on for the past 2 months, not to mention all the other antics. They start to pile up.

There's always something he'll drum up in the form of imagined fear on fire. Every few weeks it's a new flavor of the month. I'm really trying hard to take good care of him, but these negative "combats" are taking its toll on me.

Just Bill

Dio proving to him you are doing it right isn't going to work. It will frustrate him even more. You cannot win an argument with him so don't. Just make the coffee and happily whistle or sing and throw a few uh-huh's in there now and again. Afterwards thank him for his help. Body language and tone say a lot more than words. He is reading your emotions and body language and he sees an argument that needs winning. It takes 2 to bicker. Don't engage him when he criticizes, in fact agree with him. Let him know you can't do anything right but you are trying as hard as you can and leave it at that. Go back to whistling and singing. He can feel your anger and frustration and that is what he is feeding off of. You really have to find your happy place and really be in a good mood. It is hard to pick a fight with someone who doesn't get angry or gives him any resistance. A part of his brain wants to bicker all day, don't feed it.

Kibbee

DH cannot walk but still offers to help me shovel snow or bring in the groceries.  I've learned the easiest way to handle it is to say "thanks, but there wasn't much snow and I just finished shoveling", or "thanks, but I only have one more bag of groceries to bring in so it will be easy".  He never notices that I go back outside and spend another 15 minutes shoveling, or that I make 5 more trips to bring in that one bag of groceries.  The majority of the time this works.  He feels good that he offered, we avoid a discussion of his real abilities, and the tasks get done quickly.

But occasionally it does not work.  One day he kept insisting that he wanted to help me with the shoveling and I could not get him off the topic.  Finally I bundled him up, took him outside onto the deck in his wheelchair, and put the shovel in his hand.  He gave a few swipes from the chair and then was happy to come back inside.  No more talk of shoveling that day!