I’m losing it!

JC5

Last few weeks have been stressful, scary, eye-opening, confusing! I actually tried to have a conversation with my DH about how I am helping him, how I am there for him, and will do my best to do all I can for him, but I want him to understand just that and please stop yelling at me and blaming me for his illness. “I’m always doing the wrong thing”. And stop yelling at me b/c what I say you NEVER agree with or most likely don’t understand. But I should know better than to preach to an empty choir!  I’ve read about thinking about the “ love and good times you shared” , but when those times were few what is one to do?  Am I really that clueless and how do you all deal with this “talking to a brick wall thing” ? I feel so bad after I go thru my rant thinking there is something there, and this is what confuses me , he has always been that none emotional, non caring except for what He wants  person, so I really don’t know how to deal with this except I am a a woman of my word and I will do all I can.

dayn2nite2

Okay, so let's establish that you can't draw upon memories of a loving, empathetic person in the past.

The only thing you can do here is find someone, somewhere to vent to about all you're doing for him.  All of that's lost on him - he has no ability to validate how much you're doing or how careful you're trying to be of his needs.  You've basically got a windbag to deal with.  Have you considered a therapist/counselor or are you tied to the house and unable to see one?

What are your plans for him as the disease progresses?  The only good thing about it is that the yelling of insults and hurtful things will stop eventually, but it may only be replaced with utterances you can't understand (but can see the anger behind) and he may become more physical since he can't beat you with words.

Love or not, promises or not, there is nothing saying you must keep him at home with you.  Part of the frustration, if you haven't planned for his future care, is not knowing what that looks like.  Would a light at the end of the tunnel in the form of a facility, an adult foster care home, something that gets you out of the daily line of fire with him help you?

Would you be able to tour some places local to you and see what the options are out there?  Just knowing you have a Plan B in your back pocket sometimes can be a relief.

mommafour

JC5 - so very sorry you’re going through such stress. I’m in a similar boat here and truly understand.  My DH is having delusions and gets extremely angry with me for his imaginary reasons and accuses me of doing things that I did not do. I don’t argue back with him but I admit I have told him about his latest rant during his more lucid times. He apologizes and promises to never yell at me again. Unfortunately, it’s not possible to reason with Alzheimer’s patients and they likely do not remember their angry moods. I know my DH is not capable of keeping that promise. His Dr. has recently prescribed medication to control his delusions and anger. Maybe talk to your DH’s doctor about something to help his mood?  I’m just trying to hold myself together until the new medication is fully effective, but I realize it may take some adjustments. I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but be sure to take care of yourself too. I’m currently at the point where this is affecting my mental and physical health, and I’m 16 years younger than DH.  This is a tough stage. I am hoping it’s a phase that will get better, but then another difficult phase will be next. Like dayn2nite2 suggested, I am working on having Plan B ready for next steps, which for my DH is a memory care facility.

Ed1937

I feel really bad for those of you dealing with this. I think dayn gave some good advice. Other than trying to get medication, I have nothing.

Iris L.

Limit/avoid tv and other media.  They can trigger delusions.

Iris L.

Buggsroo

In the beginning I tried to reason with my husband and how his behaviours affected me. Now I know better. He does not remember what he did. Now we live in the present. That was a tough adjustment for me, since I usually like to plot out my future in my head. Please understand, he may apologize but will keep doing the same thing or other things that will drive you crazy. 

I think you need to get your power of attorney and other legal matters in order. It also is a good idea to start looking for placement. You will know when you have had enough, consider your own peace of mind, what you can take etc, and fasten your seatbelt because there will be turbulence ahead.

JudyMorrowMaloney

There is some good advice here. I stopped preaching to an empty choir a long time ago. This is a horrible disease for both the victims and their families.

harshedbuzz

JC5-

I am so sorry you are living this. I am not a spouse, but I did witness my own parents go through a similar situation with my dad's dementia.

For background, their marriage had a lot of difficult periods-- I suspect dad had some untreated mental health issues (his geripsych agreed), alcoholism after my sister (his favorite), and serial infidelity. Mom is prone to anxiety and depression. At the time dad was diagnosed, my mom had been very unhappy for quite some time. Dad could be emotionally abusive. When he lost his social filter and empathy she found herself on the receiving end of the behavior I was used to as the unfavored kid. That, along with the burden of being responsible for everything in their lives and losing her carefree retirement in the context of his arrogance and pompous behavior, drove her to the brink.

Initially, she did as you describe here. She tried to explain all of the ways in which she had stepped up to keep them afloat which resulted in anger and him undermining her efforts. At a certain point, empathy is lost. Add in anosognosia, the inability to perceive one's own cognitive changes, and getting thanks for or even recognition for your efforts is not going to happen. 

My mom wanted to keep dad at home through the course of the disease. I know she feared judgement from others who have no basis for understanding what caring for dad was like and think hands-on in-home caregiving is the only way to honor "in sickness and in health". I know she also resented the fact that his care had the potential to spend down their assets to a point where her choices for LTC would be severely limited.

I did find her a terrific psychiatrist, a talk therapist and an IRL support group which help a lot. Her psychiatrist tweaked her meds which helped with the depression and anxiety. More critical was getting dad's behavior dialed back with psychoactive medications. We found him an amazing geripsych who put together a cocktail of medications that calmed dad down enough that validation and redirection were mostly effective without sedating him. This is also a great place to vent.

But given their dynamic-- her anger would pop up from time to time when his arrogant refusal to comply with care made things harder for her and gave her a roommate who looked and smelled like a Yeti. I kind of bullied her into placing him. I'd already created a shovel-ready Plan B should anything happen to her. I'd picked out a MCF and had a SNF that would accept him same-day if needed. I pointed out that his care was killing her, it wasn't to a standard that was appropriate to his needs as he refused food, hydration, medication and hygiene from her. And that when he died, she would no longer have a say in where he'd end up. That did it. She finally agreed.

Once in MC, things improved a lot. He was cleaner, well-fed, took his medication and cooperated nicely with staff who he saw as professionals. This allowed my mom to be a wife when she visited. In the 2 1/2 months before he died in MC, their relationship improved a lot and she was actually able to enjoy visits. After his adjustment, he was mostly pleasant and on the rare times he wasn't, she could just excuse herself and slip out. I have a picture taken at a Valentine's party at his MCF in which they are smiling-- it's probably the only one of them both happy in the last 15 years together. 

HB