I don't have anybody....

MayMay1212

My parents had me much later in life so I'm the youngest and very much out of sync with my 4 siblings who are all married with children and have their other families as support. 

Me? I have nobody....never married, no kids. My parents were my closest confidants because I grew like an only child. Then my dad died of cancer when I was a teenager and it really broke my spirit and emotionally crippled my mother. I stayed at home much longer than most people because my parents were married for over 40 something years when dad died. My mom fell into major depression for years and I was right there by her side.

Now my mom is rapidly deteriorating with Alzheimers and I find myself all alone with nobody. It's truly truly a sad feeling because I know we're gonna part ways eventually and I'm already battling depression but unlike her, I'm alone in this journey. My siblings were always spiteful of the fact I had a closer relationship with mom and dad because by the time I was in middle school, my dad had retired and mom was always a stay at home mom so both parents were at home.

I've always told them they had something special....each other. They were all within a few years of each other and enjoyed each other's comradery but I never had that. 

The future looks depressing and I feel mom's death is gonna deplete the rest of my soul.

SusanB-dil

Hi MayMay1212 - Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Please do utilize this forum. Not so much alone here...

Do you have DPOA for your mom, and health care HIPAA accesses? Sorry you are losing your mom to this horrible 'thing'.  Yes, it is hard in so many ways.

Also - please do look into therapy for yourself.  The depression is very concerning.

mommyandme (m&m)

MayMay, so sorry that you’re feeling so alone and depressed.  Glad you found this place to share, cry, vent and anything else, it’s helped me tremendously.  This is a difficult journey you’re on.  As far as your siblings, I encourage you to advocate for yourself…and your mom…by telling them you need their help, your mom needs their help, this is not something you can do alone. Depending on who has POAs, which needs to be determined now, control will likely fall to that person.  When you invite them in, all that comes with sibling rivalry may be involved. This place, support groups, individual therapy and all the research you can stand will help. Just because they have “lives”, one or more can do leg work etc…to assist.  Your life is very important too, you are important and worthy of support too.  The past is the past, moving forward is the most any of us can do to be the caregivers and advocates our LOs deserve, regardless of our circumstances.  

When you’re here you’re not alone, keep coming back. 

PickledCondiment

MayMay1212- Welcome to the site, we're here to provide you the benefit of our experiences. I relate completely to your situation, being overwhelmed is common and expected.  That said, you are stronger and more resilient than you currently know.

Now on to the reality, you will need to take action now.  Building on SusanB-dil's spot on advice, there are items you must deal with immediately.    

1) Find mental health resources for yourself.  (Start now as this may take some time.) 

2) Write down what tasks, actions need to be done. For me, once I committed a plan to paper, I felt more prepared to take on the other tasks.  There are online resources that provide a framework of items you'll need to address. 

3) Who has Power(s) of Attorney (Healthcare, Financial, etc) for your LO? If this is one of the other siblings, time for them to step up and do their part(s). This may prove to be a difficult conversation, having discussed your situation with an elder lawyer will help you frame the discussion appropriately.

4) Who is responsible for paying the monthly bills, etc? (Are you an authorized signer on LO checking, etc.)  Who owns the property where you live?

5) Does your LO have a will, advanced directive, etc. Does your LO have assets?

6) Meet with an elder lawyer to help you plan for your LO.  (You'll need all the documentation you can locate [financial information, healthcare information] to take to your meeting.)

7) Reach out to Alzheimers Assn., your local agency on Aging, etc.  These people  know the landscape and are there to help you.

I acknowledge the list is big, the tasks appear daunting. As your LO is failing you need to create a plan now.  The other siblings need to know the status of your LO, tell them now.  If they chose to help, wonderful.  Reality, they may chose to not help, then you'll need to find resources for your LO and yourself. Keep coming back to this site for support and information.  

Jo C.

Hello MayMay and a very warm welcme to you.   I am so glad you have found this supportive place, and am very sorry for what you are feellng; it is understandable under the stressful circumstances.

When I first found this place, Alzconnected, it was like being thrown a life jacket when I was floundering about in high seas trying to find my direction.  We are all here in support for one another and that now includes you too.

You have been given much good input that can be helpful.  Ensuring that you have all the legal papers for your mother such as having Durable Power of Attorney's; one for Healthcare and also one for Finance will be very important.  A visit with an Elder Law Attorney can be really helpful with much advice for now and for when things progress in the future.  The specialist attorney can also advise and set up things to be able to be formatted for best financial outcome as needs increase. It is worth it to seek such professional advice.

I do not know if it is an option to discuss your mother's condition and the future with your siblings or not, and if you wish to broach the subject, how they can possibly be of assistance ir open to that.  It may be an opportunity for you to slowly develop a closer friendly relationship with them and may also bring helpful support as the disease progresses.

If you do not have a counselor who helps with your depression, perhaps it would be helpful for your physician to give you a recommendation - it is really helpful to have a trusted professional to hear us and guide us throught the difficult times.  When we face such a situation, there is usually grief involved, many articles have been written about  "anticipatory grief."

The Alzheimer's Assn. has a 24 hour Helpline available 365 days a year.  There is no fee for this service.  If you call the Helpline, ask to be transferred to a, "Care Consultant." The Consultants are highly educated Social Workers who specialize in dementia and family support.  They are good listeners, kind, often have helpful information, and can often assist us with our problem solving and more than anything to be of support.  It is good to be able to be heard and they understand.

We all face similar challenges when traversing dementia and caregiving; we do eventually find that we are stronger than we think we are and with support from the other Members here, it makes matters a bit less overwhelming and there is also much experiential wisdom from those farther along on their journey.

When you feel ready, it may also be helpful in putting a toe in the water so to speak in stepping out to build a personal group. Some join special groups such as support groups specializing in dementia, many have become affiliated with a church or other religious center; some join library reading groups, some want to work physically to lower stress and join a gym or community exercise group; one Member related taking up playing pickleball!  In thinking of this, you may find your own space that feels right for you.  Taking the move to step out into the community to get to know other people and to have such dynamics can bring positive results in ourselves.

I so hope you continue to come here and share, we will be thinking of you and we truly do care.  Sending best wishes from one daughter to another,

J.