Donating his clothes as if he’s passed

Nowhere

When he went into memory care I packed his extra clothes away. They were too painful to see every morning in our shared closet. They have sat for 2 1/2 years and I know he has no need for his clothing: ties, shirts, sweaters, pants,  hats, scarfs, gloves or sunglasses any longer, even his tailored suit he wore so handsomely. I also kept his still shiny dress shoes. Just in case. His gym bag is going, too. Practically every day he’d pack it and we’d attend the fitness center to work out and swim. Towards the end of his reaching for fitness he’d forget to lock it up, and then later he’d bolt out of the men’s locker room with wild eyes  thinking it had been ransacked because his wallet was missing!  His wallet!!  And I would need to reassure him he purposely left it at home. Are you sure? How do you know? (Not said, what’s wrong with me?) Later his broken thinking still asked these question but assumed since I knew what was transpiring I was gas lighting him and his paranoia grew from there spiraling into I must be poisoning him because something was obviously wrong. Anosognosia- he couldn’t (still can’t - “I’m standing here talking to you, there is nothing wrong with me”, repeated a few days ago) conceive of his dementia. And yet he was right about being ransacked, he was always right, he was, we were ransacked and bamboozled,  the culprit, Alzheimer’s. 

A emotional part of me would think it fair to donate my belongings, too, and run away leaving all this nonsense behind. The rational part of me knows that where he is, I cannot follow. 

Ed1937

This is a really hard thing to do. I'm sorry. After almost 9 months since my wife passed, almost all of her clothes are gone, many things to the garbage. But I still have 2 totes full of things, mostly hers, in our bedroom. I don't want to open the totes because I'm afraid of the hurt that will follow. I know I will do it, but I don't know when.

Lgw

I started slowly the day we got the diagnosis donating his clothes.  The suggestion had been to simplify and organize things for them. Now 4 years later I am down to 8 shirts and 4 pair of pants.  I didn't want lots to deal with when he passes.  I put everything that the kids would want to pick over on one shelf component.  I went through pictures, threw away any picture I didn't know who they were and narrowed it to 1 picture from a time to make it easier to decide what pictures would be used for his funeral.  These things kept me busy and not focused on how my life had crumbled around me.  My DH has vascular dementia and quit walking 6 months ago so that helped me hide as I got it down to a real minimum.  I have done the same with my stuff now as I will be selling the house and downsizing.  I packed a box today, I use the boxes that Hospice sends me his supplies in.  Hopefully I will still have things to do when he passes and I need to be distracted.

ElCy

I did the same thing when DH went to MC. I knew her was never coming home. I cleaned out the office, took lbs of his work paperwork to be shredded, sold his car, donated his clothes and got new carpet. (Desperately needed but thinking he would stay at home and ultimately pee and poop everywhere).

Part of me thinks I’m just preparing myself for his ultimate death and my being truly alone so I need to make the house just “mine.” But, then again, so much of him has died and I am alone.

M1

Whew this thread resonates. Approaching a year since she was hospitalized next week, i tackled her bathroom vanity last weekend and took five garbage bags to the dump.  Have a list of other cleanouts to start, her beautiful clothes i can't face yet, emotionally..

RobertsBrown

You said this so well.  My gal has 3 closets full and had 6 hampers full of stacked, sorted, restacked, re-sorted, clothes.  She eventually quit the stacking/re-sorting activity, and after I was pretty sure she was done, I washed it all and packed it off to the Goodwill.

Every outfit had a memory attached. Some were my favorites, many were so familiar and yet attached to a person I had not seen in years.  Bittersweet to be sure.

The clothes on hangers will have to wait until we have another life milestone.  She is still here with me, and it's just too big a job to do quietly.

Old outfits.  Pictures.  Letters.  Saved cards.

They are all precious things with sharp edges.

Kevcoy

My DH was never one to get rid of any shirts, slacks, sweaters, shoes and especially tee shirts.  Our closets were packed so one day I started going through things and made three piles.  One a donation pile, another a consignment pile (he had over 100 Hawaiian shirts) and a throw away pile.  I was surprised this didn't upset him.  He did think I was packing up to leave him though for some reason.  Great progress but I can see another purge in a few months because the only things he wears are tee shirts year round, sweat pants in the winter and shorts in the summer.

jfkoc

Almost everything is  just where it always was. I have not  felt the need to get rid of much.

Beachfan

DH’s clothing is here and there, mostly there.  Long ago, I purged “stuff”- - memorabilia from 44 years of coaching varsity baseball and basketball at the local HS.  (The baseball complex is named in his honor, which is enough of a fitting  tribute in my eyes. And the younger grandkids think I own the field!)

Our 15 year old, lanky, athletic grandson has gladly relieved me of all of DH’s “cool” sweatshirts and tees.  I am told by his buddies that grandson is the envy of his classmates, sporting various souvenir baseball spring training tee shirts accumulated over the years and treasured by DH.  The shirts are faded, soft, well broken in; they have seen better days. It tugs at my heart to see the shirts, but it does make me smile.  

Gig Harbor

I have cleaned and donated the clothes my husband will never wear in memory care. I saved some to replenish his closet if some get lost. I have tried to stay busy and increase my circle of women friends. I now play cards and go to jazz concerts and long walks with my new friends. It is sad that his life is slowly ending but I have accepted that mine isn’t. He had twenty years of a good retirement where he did what he wanted while I took care of most things and worked as well. I am sad but I am not going to give up my life. I spend more time with my daughter and I plan to enjoy my retirement. If our places were reversed I would want him to be doing exactly what I am doing.

M1

Admire your attitude Gig.  Wish I could get there.  But I'm not yet.  I think if I had reassurance she were more content, I would do better.  She is so unhappy, that keeps me unhappy.  I keep hoping I'll hear something from the place where I want to move her--but nothing yet.

toolbeltexpert

Well I am well in my process of downsizing to move. I have yet to get rid of her clothes thinking I may need them for the future in memory care. Right now that may be a bad decision as I have had to increase her pants size twice and may again? I just washed all of the first size change. Something I found that was a reminder of how long ago this started was three identical notes dw wrote for herself to write her friends which she loved to do. One was dated 2012. She had been writing that same note for 12 years. But when it comes to getting rid on my clothes I have no trouble I have lost 30 lbs since last July.  Goodwill or nursing home are the main recipients of the great clothing disbursement.