Mother WD verbal abuse

tll3

My 82 yr old mother resides at home with my 84 yr old father. We have seen her memory decline the last 2 years or so. Six months ago, we were together with my 2 siblings at the wedding of my niece. Since that event my mother has spiraled out of control with verbal abuse, accusations and physical abuse toward my father. My mother claims to have been left alone at a table all evening while the rest of the family was "having a good time" (due to health issues she does not ambulate well). She began to accuse my father of making out with women in the bushes and we were protecting him so he could. As the matriarch, my mother was visited all evening by the entire family, so we know her recollection is incorrect. Her accusations escalated to daily verbal abuse of my father along with hitting him, pushing, throwing things at him (he divulged this after enduring 2 months of abuse). He has CHF but otherwise good health. 4 months later she was not permitting him to use his cell phone and would not answer our calls so my brother and I drove to their home for a welfare check. Mother hurled ugly insults and accusations, throwing us out of the house. We consulted with her PCP who gave her Seroquel, which has calmed her considerably. My brother and sister have been treated well recently but I am still a "villian". I was a frequent caregiver along with my sister. My question is: how do I practice the recommended methods of agreeing with my mother or not trying to change her perceptions when what she is accusing me of is vile and emotionally disturbing. I am an MSW and formerly worked in hospice care. I think she is fearful that I know she has dementia and trying to put her in a home. This is not the case as I know patients do better in their own homes as long as safety is not an issue. My rational professional self knows this is the dementia but emotionally I'm broken hearted. I have elected to refrain from seeing her or communicating with my father as I am a trigger for my mother. This has cut off a significant amount of help to them. Previously I had a very good relationship with my parents. Has anyone else experienced this or does anyone have suggestions on how to get through this so I can resume caregiving. My father has taken on all household duties and he is exhausted (my siblings work full-time, I do not at this time).  My mother will not accept outside help. 

Sorry for the long read. Any thoughts?

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

JJAz

I agree with Victoria that AD is running the show.  Your dear Father needs some relief.  Many patients don't accept caregivers, but it is imposed on them and it usually works out.  If not, Mom needs to be in memory care.  Don't led your Dad be a casualty too.

LicketyGlitz

Hey tll3, we went through this when our mom hit the rage stage, but not as severe. Seroquel did help our mom too, so good on getting that going. I would go back to her PCP and let them know there is still some verbal abuse going on, see if they have recommendations on adjusting dosage or dosing times. If they can refer you to a geriatric psych doctor that would be awesome also. These people specialize in cognitive decline in aging and have expertise in the medications available.

In regards to your question:

how do I practice the recommended methods of agreeing with my mother or not trying to change her perceptions when what she is accusing me of is vile and emotionally disturbing.

Your right, this is truly tough, but you gotta let it roll off your back if you want to be help right now. I have a caregiver friend whose mom living with Alzheimer's accused her of having an affair with her husband, my friend's dad, and threw her out of the house. It played out on the front lawn and was really ugly, and like you, it hurt my friend terribly. She sees a therapist which has helped her deal with the pain, and our caregiver group - after the fact! - got her to laugh about the absurdity of that and other rough behaviors she is experiencing with her mom.

So, your pain is totally justifiable. If you decide to keep out of the in-person scenarios I would guess everyone on this forum would totally understand. Try and find other ways to support that don't require you being in the house - errands? Assisting with finances? Dropping off food? Take on any kind of research that your family may need in the dementia landscape?

And if you feel like you gotta be there, I highly recommend finding a therapist that can help you deal with the hurt. And, if you got a group of friends who you can commiserate with and find your way to a little humor about the crazy stuff your mom is accusing you of, that may help ease the pain too. It sure did for me!

This stage won't last forever. I wish the best to you and your family as you work through all aspects of this journey.

tll3

Since the Seroquel has been onboard for 6 weeks, we have been told the physical abuse has ceased; the verbal has not. We purchased a "burner" phone for my father, which he uses from his detached garage. But mom is suspicious anytime he is out of her sight. He updates us weekly. We have tried to get dad to agree to a geri-psy eval for her but he refuses. He insists he can get her calmed down. He is in denial for certain. Mom's disease is taking him down with her, we can see it. 

I am currently doing research, behind the scenes PCP communication and trying to find someone to come in to do light housework, hygiene care for mom. People just don't want to do this kind of work; so far efforts are futile. I am considering going to the house, with dad's permission, while they out for doctor appointments, etc. (45 min drive to town) to do the housekeeping, laundry, etc. My sister showers mom when she visits. We will continue to do our best. Until our father decides he can't or is unable, we cannot takeover the situation. 

Your support and encouragement are exactly what my heart needed; I shed a few tears of relief to know I was not alone. It is devastating that so many other families experience this cruel disease. Thank you, so much, for your input, support, and suggestions. 

harshedbuzz

tll3 wrote:

My 82 yr old mother resides at home with my 84 yr old father.

Hi and welcome.

I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place. Before I dive into your actual question, I have to put this out there.

Do your parents have POAs that will allow one of the sibs to step in and take over should something happen to one of them? Has your mom been diagnosed or at least had the treatable conditions that mimic dementia ruled out?

And what's your Plan B? About 1/3 of caregivers die before their PWD; given dad's age, CHF and the lifestyle inflicted on him by your mom's behavior I would suspect your odds of inheriting mom are a bit higher. 

We have seen her memory decline the last 2 years or so. Six months ago, we were together with my 2 siblings at the wedding of my niece. Since that event my mother has spiraled out of control with verbal abuse, accusations and physical abuse toward my father. My mother claims to have been left alone at a table all evening while the rest of the family was "having a good time" (due to health issues she does not ambulate well). She began to accuse my father of making out with women in the bushes and we were protecting him so he could. As the matriarch, my mother was visited all evening by the entire family, so we know her recollection is incorrect. Her accusations escalated to daily verbal abuse of my father along with hitting him, pushing, throwing things at him (he divulged this after enduring 2 months of abuse). He has CHF but otherwise good health. 4 months later she was not permitting him to use his cell phone and would not answer our calls so my brother and I drove to their home for a welfare check. Mother hurled ugly insults and accusations, throwing us out of the house.

You missed an opportunity here. This would have been a chance to have her transported to a geriatric psych unit for a short stay. She likely would have gotten a diagnosis and medication management by specialists. Their social worker could have helped with resources around either placement, introducing caregivers or a day program. 

 We consulted with her PCP who gave her Seroquel, which has calmed her considerably. My brother and sister have been treated well recently but I am still a "villian". I was a frequent caregiver along with my sister. My question is: how do I practice the recommended methods of agreeing with my mother or not trying to change her perceptions when what she is accusing me of is vile and emotionally disturbing.

You just do for the most part. How bad are they? Sexual or illegal content? For most accusations, you can try apologizing and see if that works. My dad was a very tough customer-- he accused me of leaving my kids in a bar to go off with men, doing drugs, stealing his car, and of costing him $350K by selling his house for less than it was worth.

Members here suggested the mantra of "it's the disease talking" but TBH, dad and I never had an easy relationship so these were not new scripts for me. They suggested apologizing which I thought was nuts. But I tried it one afternoon and it worked really well. I said I was sorry I was stupid and sold the house too cheap and would never ever do it again. And he calmed down like it was magic. 

He was also stuck on the concept of mom cheating on him so that a 15 minute run to collect his Seroquel became her having sex with men in the Rite Aid parking lot. I took a different approach by building him up instead of defending her saying things like "you're so handsome and smart, she couldn't possibly look at other men with you at home". This worked, too, but only if my uncle or I did it. 

I am an MSW and formerly worked in hospice care. I think she is fearful that I know she has dementia and trying to put her in a home.

It's hard to say how aware of her own condition your mom is. At this point she sounds mid-stages. For my family, the middle stages when dad had enough bandwidth to be semi-aware of his illness, scared and horribly behaved were the worst. For my own dad, he was very aware of his cognitive decline earlier on. He was always wary of me because he knew on some level that I would be able to recognize his vulnerability and rob him of his independence. During this phase he was just ghastly. My parents weren't living locally, so I would travel alone to see them for a couple of days at a time just to make sure mom was OK and encourage her to get him diagnosed. Dad didn't get a diagnosis until mom had a health crisis that nearly killed her.

Over time, the disease progressed and anosognosia set in which brought its own set of problems, but it became easier to manipulate his moods. In the late middle stages, strategies like redirection "here's a cookie I just baked" or stepping out of the room for a moment and reappearing with a cheerful smile could get one out of the weeds. 

Sometimes validation works when a PWD is upset. Validation can allow you to cast yourself in the role of ally instead of decision-maker. Dad was very upset about being unable to drive. Instead of trying to rationally explain all of the reasons why, I told him it was so unfair and that I hoped the doctor gave him back his license soon.

 This is not the case as I know patients do better in their own homes as long as safety is not an issue.

I don't believe that this is universally true in the case of dementia. I know my own dad was so afraid of me putting him in a home he refused to have a POA, buy LTC insurance (which would have made it possible ironically) or set up the trust his lawyer and CPS suggested. 

While my friend's mom was able to age in place with her daughter, my dad and my auntie both got better care in a MCF. Auntie was a childless widow and needed looking after. She thrived in a very nice MCF-- she did crafts, enjoyed the social interaction, went out to lunch and did really well for a long time. 

My dad's situation was a bit different. Part of his behaviors was non-compliance. He simply refused to cooperate with his care. He wouldn't take his meds, eat meals when prepared, drink enough, shower or change his clothing (including the inevitable Depends). In MCF he allowed the staff he saw as professional help him with all those things and mom could go back to be his doting wife instead of the enemy. 

 My rational professional self knows this is the dementia but emotionally I'm broken hearted. I have elected to refrain from seeing her or communicating with my father as I am a trigger for my mother. This has cut off a significant amount of help to them. Previously I had a very good relationship with my parents. Has anyone else experienced this or does anyone have suggestions on how to get through this so I can resume caregiving. My father has taken on all household duties and he is exhausted (my siblings work full-time, I do not at this time).  My mother will not accept outside help. 

Sorry for the long read. Any thoughts?

Your mom has a terminal condition that has already robbed her or rational thought and empathy. She is going to progress and need more and more assistance. It is going to get grittier. You are going to to lose your mom to dementia. The question is whether you are willing to lose your dad? I mean, if you were going to hire a caregiver to work long shifts with a challenging PWD, would you hire the 84 year old man with heart disease? 

My dad's care was really hard on mom. I found her a support group, a pair of psychiatrists (one each), a talk therapist and was at their home almost daily but it wasn't enough. Even with that plus 15 hours of someone in the home, mom was unable to really take care of herself because his care was overwhelming. Two month after he dies, she was hospitalized with a COPD and BP crisis. A month after that, she lost the vision in one eye because of a damaged optic nerve related to the BP issues. She is not living the life she'd hoped once her caregiving days were over. And with her inability to drive, I am not either. 

Dad fought us on aides in the home, too. We told him a "fiblet" that they were doctor's orders after mom's knee surgery. I even said they were paid by Medicare because he was always worried about the money. He didn't like it at first, but over time he became quite fond of the last one he had. Sometimes it helps to introduce the aide as a friend visiting. A few people have had success with telling their LO the aide is a friend who has fallen on hard times and needs work so they're helping. Others tell the PWD that the aide is a cleaner or laundress that you've gifted them as a treat. 

Another thought is that your mom might be a good candidate for a day program. Getting her out of the house might allow your dad to regroup and have a break from the shadowing.

HB

tll3

Thank you for the responses. I have been able to take a little from each to help process this whole situation. 

Do your parents have POAs that will allow one of the sibs to step in and take over should something happen to one of them? Has your mom been diagnosed or at least had the treatable conditions that mimic dementia ruled out?

-We finally were able to get my folks to an elder law attorney. They were informed in advance of what we were dealing with so were prepared with a social worker on standby. Yes, I had been POA for 30 years, my mother requested I be replaced by my sister. That's fine with me if it makes mom feel better. My sis and I both said any decisions needed to be made would be done as a sibling group.

- Mom was diagnosed with vascular dementia with a component of Alzheimers. She has been tested via MMSE by PCP (2 mo. ago) and MoCA by geriatrician (2 yrs ago). She was not able to complete MMSE. What additional testing could be done to stage and diagnose for type of dementia??

And what's your Plan B? About 1/3 of caregivers die before their PWD; given dad's age, CHF and the lifestyle inflicted on him by your mom's behavior I would suspect your odds of inheriting mom are a bit higher. 

-Siblings and I have agreed that if dad goes first, mom is going to MC.

You missed an opportunity here. This would have been a chance to have her transported to a geriatric psych unit for a short stay. She likely would have gotten a diagnosis and medication management by specialists. Their social worker could have helped with resources around either placement, introducing caregivers or a day program. 

- I fully agree with the missed opportunity for better eval at the geri-psych unit. Mom's behaviors with me had been escalating since the wedding. Unknown to us, until January, was that she was physically abusive with our father. The morning of the blowup my dad was to meet siblings and I to discuss mom's increasing behaviors and create a plan. He did not show and they were not answering the phone. My brother, sister-in-law and I made the welfare check. Upon arrival, my experience and intuition told me we needed to transport for eval and med introduction. Dad refused. Said he could de-escalate her. This is when she began hurling vile insults at me. I spoke calmly and rationally, with love and care but to no avail, it worsened. Dad asked us to leave. We did so if they promised to answer the phone when we called. Mom said no, dad said yes. That afternoon I obtained a medical appointment with mom's PCP for the next day. As always I was there to be an extra set of ears. Mom told my dad to make me leave or she was leaving. The PCP and staff were aware and were able to get us all into exam rooms (without mom knowing). PCP spoke to dad while mom was out of room at which time he confessed the physical abuse. When mom was in room, he denied it. PCP offered to be "the bad guy" and send her to geri-psych unit for eval. Dad refused. So Seroquel was ordered. 

You just do for the most part. How bad are they? Sexual or illegal content? For most accusations, you can try apologizing and see if that works.

-Unfortunately, mom has accused me of having an inappropriate relationship with my father. She also said I'm whoring around and a drunk. I cannot validate or apologize for this untruth. If she was simply mean, I could tolerate it. The accusations cannot roll off. Thus my emotional struggle.

It's hard to say how aware of her own condition your mom is. At this point she sounds mid-stages. For my family, the middle stages when dad had enough bandwidth to be semi-aware of his illness, scared and horribly behaved were the worst.

-Mom has awareness at times. In an article by .           She indicates that PWD can feel emotions but cannot connect the dots as to why. This is the reason I feel she has targeted me. I have experience with dementia patients while working in hospice. She has said since the event, that she thinks I want to put her in MC. (curious how she remembered the event in enough detail to talk to her friend). I fell she used vile accusations to push me away to avoid MC. Perhaps it's my wishful thinking/self-protection.

While my friend's mom was able to age in place with her daughter, my dad and my auntie both got better care in a MCF. 

Siblings and I agree mom could do well in MC. She has always been social and pleasant. At home she is isolated. Her physical impairment keep her in the house unless dad takes her somewhere, which he does as often as possible. Dad is insisting on taking care of her at home. They have LTC policies so finances are not the problem. He is holding fast to his vows, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health.

Sometimes it helps to introduce the aide as a friend visiting. A few people have had success with telling their LO the aide is a friend who has fallen on hard times and needs work so they're helping. Others tell the PWD that the aide is a cleaner or laundress that you've gifted them as a treat. 

-Great idea to convince mom of in-home care. The "fiblet" idea is great and we are willing to use it if it will give any sort of assistance to my dad. He insists he can take her verbal abuse. He does not see that physically he is declining. 

Thank you, again, for the input, ideas, responses, and support. The tears are flowing but it is good. This group is giving me hope that we can get through this, not unscathed, but ok. 

- 

Iris L.

tll3 wrote:

 (curious how she remembered the event in enough detail to talk to her friend). 

PWDs may better remember details of highly emotionally charged events.  These events may be traumatic or disturbing or exciting.  The article you referenced might say more about this.

 Iris L.

tll3

Thank you Iris! And I apologize for not adding the article and author.  It was Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

harshedbuzz

tll3 wrote:

-We finally were able to get my folks to an elder law attorney. They were informed in advance of what we were dealing with so were prepared with a social worker on standby. Yes, I had been POA for 30 years, my mother requested I be replaced by my sister. That's fine with me if it makes mom feel better. My sis and I both said any decisions needed to be made would be done as a sibling group. 

Great. Strong work there. I'm confused. Is dad mom's primary POA with sibling as secondary or successor? Usually a spouse is unless they are incapacitated or sometimes in a later marriage). It's great that your sibs are on the same page-- that's huge and also pretty unusual. 

- Mom was diagnosed with vascular dementia with a component of Alzheimers. She has been tested via MMSE by PCP (2 mo. ago) and MoCA by geriatrician (2 yrs ago). She was not able to complete MMSE. What additional testing could be done to stage and diagnose for type of dementia?? 

So likely "mixed dementia". That's not a comprehensive evaluation. My dad had everything but the 5-hour testing plus a PET scan. Because my aunt's guardianship was established through the courts, she did the full-meal-deal. My friend's mom saw her internist for MMSE and MoCA, blood work, CT Scan and history given by daughter and made the diagnosis. All 3 were about your mom's age and IRL the diagnostic process didn't make much of a difference excepting that dad had one of those fairly rare deficiencies which did lead to some temporary improvement until the Alzheimer's progressed. 

Was there bloodwork to rule out hormone and nutritional deficiencies that can cause similar symptoms? Was there any imagining? Maybe a CT scan or MRI? There's also neuropsych testing which can take about 5 hours over 2 days typically. This can sometimes tease out different kinds of dementia based on strengths and weaknesses. Given mom's age and inability to complete her most recent MMSE this probably wouldn't be suggested by most doctors.

In terms of staging, IMO, family knows better as they see her daily for longer periods of time which means they see her without any show-timing or hostess-mode behavior she might put on for a doctor. 

Doctors tend to use a broader 3 step model. Most folks here use a 7 step version.  I like this version.

http://www.geriatric-resources.com/html/gds.html (missouri.edu)

And what's your Plan B? About 1/3 of caregivers die before their PWD; given dad's age, CHF and the lifestyle inflicted on him by your mom's behavior I would suspect your odds of inheriting mom are a bit higher. 

-Siblings and I have agreed that if dad goes first, mom is going to MC.

That might be a good option now. When I pushed mom to place dad I did so by telling her that when dad killed her (he was threatening murder/suicide), he'd go to the very first place I could find that would take him. A mean-spirited fiblet but necessary. 

You should tour now and get a sense of what would be best for mom and the family. It also makes sense to know what their admission process looks like so you can discretely make a head start on it. 

-Unfortunately, mom has accused me of having an inappropriate relationship with my father. She also said I'm whoring around and a drunk. I cannot validate or apologize for this untruth. If she was simply mean, I could tolerate it. The accusations cannot roll off. Thus my emotional struggle.

That's pretty gnarly. Coming from a fellow whore, thief and drunk, I can appreciate that was very hard to hear. I'm sorry. It would be best for you if you were able to wrap your mind around this being the disease rather than your mom talking. Therapy might help.

It is also possible that this could be a conflated memory. Confabulations occur when a PWD recalls the gist of an event but not the details. This could be something that happened in the past-- maybe not even to her, perhaps a friend or sister-- but her diseased brain has backfilled the gaps with incorrect details. My "whoring" in bars was something my late sister (and his younger sister-- a lot of crazy on that side of the family) did. Dad got the call to collect the littles both times which pained him. He adored his sister and mine. I was last man standing and was assigned the blame.

It's also possible mom doesn't always recognize who you are. This can come and go. Perhaps you physically resemble someone from her past with whom she didn't get along. Sometimes at night dad didn't fully recognize people. He always knew me, but my husband of 30+ years was "the guy Harsh is shacking up with". Once when my niece was visiting, he climbed into her bed and tried to put the moves on her. It was really awful. Mom was still in denial so there was no diagnosis at the time and it nearly blew our small family apart as mom couldn't believe her. 

-Mom has awareness at times. In an article by .           She indicates that PWD can feel emotions but cannot connect the dots as to why. This is the reason I feel she has targeted me. I have experience with dementia patients while working in hospice. She has said since the event, that she thinks I want to put her in MC. (curious how she remembered the event in enough detail to talk to her friend). I fell she used vile accusations to push me away to avoid MC. Perhaps it's my wishful thinking/self-protection.

Emotions last long past any other skills. My dad couldn't recall that he'd eaten, but he recalled the neurologist in this hospital took away his driving until the month before he died.

Siblings and I agree mom could do well in MC. She has always been social and pleasant. At home she is isolated. Her physical impairment keep her in the house unless dad takes her somewhere, which he does as often as possible. Dad is insisting on taking care of her at home. They have LTC policies so finances are not the problem. He is holding fast to his vows, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health.

MC might be great in this situation assuming she is accepted. If she's not ambulatory, she may not be. Most MCFs insist on this on admission although she could stay if she needs to use a wheelchair. 

-Great idea to convince mom of in-home care. The "fiblet" idea is great and we are willing to use it if it will give any sort of assistance to my dad. He insists he can take her verbal abuse. He does not see that physically he is declining. 

It sounds like you dad is the harder parent in this scenario. Mom was for me initially. She fought me on getting dad evaluated for almost a decade. Even after it, she fought me on a lot of decisions. At one point I had to institute a little tough-love. I said that in exchange for taking over my life with their needs, she needed to cooperate or I was tapping out. And then I let her live what that was like for a bit. When the crisis inevitably happened, I had a Plan B ready to implement.  Perhaps if dad had less help, he'd realize how much he needs it and make sounder choices. 

Does he have a PCP or cardiologist who understands the stress with which he is living, and could potential insist dad take steps to lessen that by bringing in help? I found the docs my parents shared tended to put dad's welfare ahead of my mom's. I constantly had to remind them that I had 2 parents and needed to find a balance between what was best for each of them vs them as a couple. I knew that dementia would kill dad, but I didn't want to lose mom as collateral damage.

Good luck going forward. This is painful stuff.

HB

- 

tll3

Thanks, again, for your insightful input, 

 Is dad mom's primary POA with sibling as secondary or successor?  

Yes, dad is primary.

Was there bloodwork to rule out hormone and nutritional deficiencies that can cause similar symptoms? Was there any imagining? Maybe a CT scan or MRI? 

-Bloodwork has been done. Hormone's ruled out but unsure about nutritional deficiency. The doctor has not ordered any imaging. That's what I was wondering if we should ask to have done.

Thank you for the 7 stage version. I printed copies for sibs and dad.  Also, we have scheduled a tour at a facility this week. Your suggestion is spot on; the circumstances can change in an instant, we need to be prepared.

 It would be best for you if you were able to wrap your mind around this being the disease rather than your mom talking. Therapy might help.

I have to say, reading all the posts, responses, and sad stories here is helping me to "wrap my head around" this being the disease and not my mom. It is still devastating and hurtful but I am able to keep the two things separate most of the time. It feels awful to say but knowing I am not alone in what I am experiencing helps me keep perspective. This disease and the ripple effects are far worse than I could have imagined.

It is also possible that this could be a conflated memory. Confabulations occur when a PWD recalls the gist of an event but not the details.

Sibs and I agree that there must be someone/something from mom's past that is creating this rage against me. We will never know for sure. We have theories, just like your family, there's a little crazy in the family tree. My mom's friend reached out today, in tears, telling me my mom doesn't want to see me again. The wound reopened but I am no longer putting blame on myself, questioning what I might have done wrong. 

It sounds like you dad is the harder parent in this scenario.

You nailed this one, too. There are two things at play here, in my opinion. (1). Dad is in denial. He cannot understand how she can hold a coherent conversation and then forget it the next five minutes, call him honey then throw insults around like glitter. I have not been able to share with him what I am learning here and through other research. There are plans to meet with him soon; hopefully I can get him to grasp a little more of it. The brief phone calls from the "burner phone" don't allow enough time for educating him.        (2) Dad is behaving like a victim of abuse by internalizing mom's insults and trying to "make it all better" by his "good behavior". It sad to watch this happen to him.  The suggestion was made to him to reach out to his cardiologist and PCP. He agreed, thankfully, a positive.

The "tough love" approach has been forced upon him by mom not wanting me around. His help has been cut in half even though others have stepped in. It must be working on him, he said he is going to call the LTC Ins company to see what type of in-home care mom can receive. Baby steps but they are in the right direction.  

So grateful to have found this board.  But so sad to read so many stories of emotional wreckage this disease leaves in its wake. Thank you for sharing your experiences to help those of us just now starting the journey of the long good bye. 

Ajfolkers

My mom has moderate dementia and My mom is able to stay alone and do things for herself and care for her dog too. I’m moms caregiver when I can. I’m disabled and we communicate via phone when I’m not able to go over.  She got great long term memory. Depends on the day with her. There are days she’s great and sounds wonderful, then there are days that she’s confused and just not at night called sun downers. There’s been a lot of days ask she does is cry and can’t understand a single word she’s saying. Most days of her confused state she gets mad bc she don’t like what I have to say and hangs up on me then turns her phone to where it runs busy, or just doesn’t answer the phone when it rings. Lately I’ve been verbally abused when she don’t like what I have to say to calm her down etc then hangs up on me. Normally I don’t let the abuse bother me. But one day she had said something very horrible and took me a few days to get over it. I know within 15 minutes she don’t remember what she’s said. My anxiety level has reached 150% when she calls constantly for the same thing over and over again. We can’t afford actual care givers and insurance only approves 6 visits a year. I’m just trying to cope with all of this. My sister works full time and does what she can. But she’s tired when she gets home. My brother who lives in Florida and I reach out to him to vent and always says thanks for the update. That’s it!!!! No other reply. One day she called me for 14 hours every 5-20 minutes most of the calls were just hang ups after two rings and I call her back and there’s nothing wrong she said she didn’t call me. Oh the frustration. I know this isn’t as bad as what I’ve been reading in the platform But I wanted to do a little vent. Thank you