Therapy

RobertsBrown

I want to talk to a therapist.  Just someone who understands caretaking and the stress and anxiety that is driven by real-world things that are actually happening.

Better Help found me a pretty good fit.  On the 3rd session we finally got to caregiving, and I told him I chose him because we had some tangencies, what with him caring for his now deceased wife.  He talked about how hard it was.  He opened up. He *really* opened up. Most of the session was him telling my his history, his relationships with friends and family, and how hard it all was. I completely saw him, and supported him as best I could.

I really think I helped him.

The problem is, I was not seeking a therapist to help.  I was seeking a therapist FOR help.

This is my recurring problem with the world in general.  I always seem to have to be the adult in the room. I am so very tired of the feeling of carrying the water for everyone.

There is probably a clue here.  I have to assume I am doing this to myself.

Rob-

Just Bill

I did therapy today. I played golf with my brother and nephew. I bring my wife with me and keep her entertained while I am trying to beat my brother and nephew while they are insulting me in a sportsmanlike way. Somehow that kind of therapy works for me. I do the same thing on Saturdays only my friends take the place of my brother and nephew but same dynamic. 4 days a week I bring her to work and keep her entertained while doing machining related tasks while the management and crew insult me in a sportsmanlike way. I think interacting with the right humans can help you get through this. The right people help you because they know you and love you and are looking for chinks in your armor they can help you fill. I don't know if a stranger that is on a clock can really help as much as a group of people who accept you for the baggage you are carrying and are there because they want to be.

RobertsBrown

You are a machinist too?

Seems like we really are on the same path.  I used to take Mrs. to work with me, but as time ground her down that eventually stopped.  Sure do miss my job.

Just Bill

Yes I am a machinist. I ran job shops for a while then I did applications for big CNC machinery dealers. I started a CNC consulting business back in 1998. Because of my wife's situation my business has ground to a halt except 2 customers. One is a shop that has been one of my first customers so we all go way back. When I told them I have to be with my wife full time they said bring her and come and go as you please. My other customer is a community college I taught all kinds of manufacturing classes. During the pandemic we went to Zoom and I am still teaching on Zoom 4 nights a week. I teach Mastercam and PCDMIS. I consider myself very lucky to be able to still work, it is definitely part of my therapy. It is rare I encounter other machinists out there in the world. Good to meet another one.

storycrafter

Rob, I hear your longing to be seen, heard, and understood, basic human needs within all of us. You are not alone in finding there's a dearth of good dementia/grief counselors who communicate well. Even among friends and professionals it is hard to find skilled, active listeners, people with enough healing and awareness of their own, enough to be a compassionate witness to another. Doing so is a skill not often taught or modeled sufficiently in society.

They are out there. It can take some time to find them; some trial and error, hard to do when we're already in the midst of the demands of caregiving, of grief, and dementia stress. It's worth continuing the search until you find a good match that works for you. I hope you will soon find someone who can be truly present for you.

Brainstorming resources: Getting a personal reference from someone who works with a good therapist is a favorable bet. I'm wondering if contacting your local Agency on Aging, or the Senior Center and inquiring there might yield more helpful results. Or how about even the local NAMI association. It seems to me they might know therapists familiar with mental illness/addiction which is similar in some ways to coping with dementia. Maybe professionals working at hospitals, hospices, retirement communities, etc., would be more likely to know of counselors specializing in grief and dementia.

In my local Alzheimer support group, we happened to have a new facilitator come in who was a chaplain at a nursing home. After one meeting I invited anyone who wished to join me for coffee/lunch. It ended up just the two of us, one-on-one, and in our conversation I found out she had certification in a free program for seniors called, PEARLS, Program to Encourage Active, Rewarding Lives. I hope it's okay to mention; if not please let me know.

Basically it's coaching/encouragement. I was going through a dark time and figured anything was worth a try. It's a free program in many different states. At the end of the three month coaching, that Alzheimer group facilitator/hospice chaplain was the one who gave me a referral to specifically, a dementia-grief counselor. It has been very helpful to talk with someone who understands without explanation and who is skilled in putting my feelings and thoughts into words.

In the meantime, use this group as your listening ear.  I hope you'll write often about your thoughts and feelings and anything that comes up for you. It's how we help each other get through this season of our lives. We really do need each other and cannot do it alone.

I send you my best regards....