A lot of frustrations ....

JC5

DH does his laundry 2-3 times a week! He washes his clean cloths thinking they are dirty. I liked the fact that he enjoys doing laundry and he feels he has accomplished something, but I feel it’s such a waste of water, gas and electricity. This only adds to our already high bill! He also enjoys grocery shopping but gets upset when I tell him we already have the item at home. He comes with me because he says it’s good exercise for him.  An hour and a half later I am ready to cry! When he goes to the store on his own to pick up say bread, he comes back with enough sugar drinks and sugary snacks to last 6 months! I went through his cloths and weeded out things that no longer fit him and bagged them for donation. He saw the bags emptied them and brought all the clothes back upstairs! He kept misplacing our “main” credit card so I took it away from him, he found it and now won’t give it to me! Being a past volunteer fire chief he listens to his pager all day, but at a volume that one would think he was living in the firehouse! The constant loud noise is driving me batty! Don’t know if there are any answers I just know it’s frustrating! Thanks for letting me vent!

Ed1937

JC5 wrote:

When he goes to the store on his own 

Please tell me he isn't driving. You could be in very big trouble if he gets into a bad accident, and you allow him to drive with dementia. 

I'm sorry for all the other things you are dealing with. It's all part of dementia, and the broken brain, but that doesn't make it any easier. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but.....

JC5

Thank you. At what point do you not allow someone with VD to drive? He can get from point A to B w/o an issue. His driving ability seems fine. So when do I say no to that?

Pat6177

JC5, the problem with the driving is that it can seem ok and the next thing you know, you get a call from a city 100 miles away. Or there’s been an accident. There are private companies that have an OT (occupational therapist) test their driving. The neuropsychologist that tested my DH for dementia told DH that based on her testing he should not drive. But suggested the testing by the OT. DH of course refused. Seems to me if he was diagnosed 2 yrs ago then his driving must be affected by now. 

As for the grocery store, can you get him to agree that you will only buy things on a list? Maybe get him to approve the list before you leave the house? All depends on how far gone his logical thinking is and how his short term memory is. 

 I have no idea what pagers are like but is there any way to connect it to wireless headphones or air buds? Then you wouldn’t have to listen to it. You could encourage air bud use by saying that it frees him from having to be close to the pager.

I’ve learned with my DH that things I’m getting rid of (both his things or household things), I keep out of his sight. Paper clutter (we have a lot of that) goes directly to the recycle bin. Things to donate go into the trunk of the car. My DH is getting so he doesn’t notice things now so it’s a little easier.

And, when all is said and done, one thing you can be sure of is that symptoms will change - for better or worse!

harshedbuzz

JC5-

The issue with IADLs (the skills we pick up as older teens/young adults) is that they're safe until one day they aren't. You don't necessarily get a warning before disaster strikes.

But I would say that a man that can't tell the difference between clean and dirty laundry is a man who doesn't have the executive function to react appropriately in an emergency situation-- a kid who runs into the street, brakes that fail, someone driving aggressively.

Another important piece is that your insurance policy may not cover an accident caused by a person with an Alzheimer's diagnosis in their medical history. I called our agent and dad's policy did not. My mom (not a PWD) had an accident a few years back and was sued which was just awful for all involved. She injured someone. It took over 18 months from the time of the accident to the settlement. Had mom had dementia, the person deposed and called to the stand would have been a very different character than the one who might not have even been at fault because of the progressive nature of the disease. 

HB

ETA: Dad blasted the TV which was easier to manage volume. I went into settings and put a limit on how high he could push it. He also had wireless headphones and top-of-the-line hearing aids so this was just aggression on his part. 

Instead of taking your DH on shopping trips, perhaps a walk in the park where there's nothing to buy would be better exercise. With maybe a fast food lunch or ice cream treat after. 

A day program a few times a week might be a good social outlet as well. You might have to sell it as a kind of volunteer position. 

Another Day

JC5 - I feel for you. My DH also likes to crank that volume up. His is television though. Would asking him politely get him to turn it down? (With reminder requests as necessary?) Are you talking pager or scanner? Can it be remotely controlled? If so, you can make your cell phone a remote, so you know. I discovered that the remote for the upstairs television also controls the one on the main level, nice. Can you possibly send him to the fire house for several hours at a time? Just a thought. 

Laundry, I don't deal with that particular issue. I do know that if you're getting rid of something it has to disappear. Don't say anything, just do it. Don't even try to get rid of anything if he's close by, he'll retrieve it. Pick your times carefully, prime times for making any kind of changes are 1) if he's still asleep or 2) if he's in the bathroom with the fan running. Those two are my personal favorites, you'll find other times as well. My DH has the kitchen and dining room piled up with everything he can get his hands on from the basement and or the garage. The take-over of the main living section is creeping into other areas as well. I now have a rechargeable pole chain saw laid across my washing machine. 

The same goes for getting possession of the credit card, you could probably get it if you time it right. Alternatively, if you're not worried about him using it inappropriately, call VISA or whoever and have an extra mailed to you. Then you'd each have one.

I guess I should count as a blessing that my DH gave up driving on his own about two years ago. Best watch that one, that could get costly from what I'm reading here. 

M1

JC5, reading your post brought back lots of memories....these things are very frustrating, and sadly, may only continue to escalate.  The laundry is relatively harmless except for the utility bills--no idea how you stop that behavior unless you have a laundry room you can lock, and that would likely cause other problems.   Although--there are dangers; at one point, my partner could no longer remember where to put soap and softener.  Fortunately she never crashed or ruined the machine or flooded the house.

And yes, if you're going to get rid of anything, it has to be done on the sly.

About the pager/scanner--maybe you are the one who needs to have noise-cancelling headphones.  

He certainly doesn't sound like he should be shopping by himself, and sadly--HB is likely right, he likely shouldn't be driving.  That's the battle that landed my partner in MC.  And lists don't help---when my partner could still drive and went to Lowe's with a list for a repair project, she came back with a bunch of plants and absolutely nothing on the list.  We had to laugh --in order not to cry.

Maybe a day program would buy you some time alone and some respite, if you live where one might be available.  I'm so sorry, I remember those days.