I Admire You All, but I cannot do this. Feel trapped.

Novice AD Partner-Ca

My partner was diagnosed via PET scan a month ago. MRI was normal but the PET showed changes in the uptake of the radioactive glucose in parts of the brain "consistent with AD". I posted on here, my first post, the next day. I was distraught.

Initially, the mri found a "lesion" which was found - on second contrast mri - to not be a tumour, as initially suspected, but a benign, incidental cyst. I had thought I would stay with him through the surgery and recovery, help him through that, then leave. But AD will have no end point, no point where he is "OK" again.

Even before the diagnosis, I could not cope with his complete lack of planning for the future. I felt as though I were living with someone who was mentally impaired, for whom the future did not exist, and I felt vulnerable and trapped and as though I had no life, nothing to look forward to. I just wanted to escape. I felt as though I'd given enough of my life to him. While he had never been particularly future, oriented, always a bit "passive" and backseat-ish, no doubt the AD was what I was detecting and reacting to, intuitively, with a kind of panic. I felt that my partner was becoming a stranger, that we had nothing in common any more. He bored me with his repetitive talking about his childhood, he did not seem to be my intellectual equal anymore. I felt more like a parent than a partner, and I could not rely on him to look after me or know what to do if I were incapacitated. I was getting older too and I needed more help and he was MIA. It was isolating and scary.

The AD diagnosis has come as a terrible shock. I was expecting perhaps autism, perhaps, ADHD, perhaps post-covid "brain fog". Something non-progressive, that could be "worked with", by others, while I went off by myself and rediscovered what I wanted in life, found my mojo. That was the plan. Maybe a deluded, mid-life crisis type plan, but I had a strong urge to break free. He had become so heavy, felt like a wet blanket on me, crushing me.

But now, with this diagnosis... WTH?? I cannot sleep, at all. This has been going on since the diagnosis. It's nearly 2am, after two hours lying with tears soaking my pillow, I'm up again. I feel as though my life is over. I feel so trapped.  Abandoning someone in this situation is not admirable, not even really contemplated by anyone other than me. They all tell me I'm wonderful, I'm doing a great job, that I must "take care of myself". I want to scream.

It feels like a kind of hell, a hell which is going to get worse, from which there is no escape. I'm glad he's not miserable, of course, that would just make it all worse. He's quite cheery, eats up the meals I put in front of him, goes for his runs, does his yoga and gardening. He watches the football, reads on topics that interest him, tells me the same boring stories about his childhood. Lives in the past. He seems to have zero sense of how this is for me, and I cannot relate to how he is, he seems to not really understand what is happening. I feel as though I'm drowning, sinking deep down into heavy, dark depths. This is not my life. My life does not feel like this. I have strayed, somehow, into a parallel universe.

I would not ask him to look after me, if the tables were reversed. I would do everything in my power to not burden him, not be dependent apon him. I would crack on with sorting out my affairs, and I would certainly consider suicide rather than burden others for years with caring for me while their own lives and finances went down the toilet. This AD is a sickness that could go on for a decade or more. And nobody has at any stage asked me if I want this, if I agree to this, if I am willing to take on this burden. The assumptions are huge. Why can he not think clearly, take a bit of responsibility. I try to think back - was there ever a time when he took adult responsibility? I feel such resentment.

So I come to these posts, on this forum, and the grief and despair I feel is worsened by how very *good* all the people are, how kind and caring, how they feel guilt that they cannot do *more*, the things they put up with are just horrifying to me. I am not good, or kind, or patient. I feel furious, I cannot forgive the universe for putting this on my small shoulders. It's not just the loss and grief, as with someone who is sick and/or dies - it's that it will continue over the rest of my active life, sucking the life out of me. I am in my late 50s. By the time this is over I will be an old woman.

So thank you to everyone but I think when this site moves to a new platform I will not go with it. I am just not ready for this, to share tips on continence issues and how to shower someone who does not want to be showered. It is horrifying.

All the best to you all, and thank you to those who reached out to offer support and advice. 

Ed1937

Partner, I'm glad you're letting it all out here. Some people are simply not cut out for the job of caregiver, and if they move on, so be it. Yes, if you stay with it, your life will be changed, likely for a long time. Of course there's no telling how long. Maybe 2 years, or maybe 15 years.

With his age and a diagnosis, he will be entitled to Social Security Disability, and this should be pursued now.

One thing you should understand is that he likely has anosognosia, which is the inability to understand there is a problem. It is not the same as denial, and there is nothing he or anyone else can do about it. This condition is very common with dementia sufferers. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, and I wish you the best.

ghphotog

Novice, I'm very sorry you are in this situation, as I am. I wish I could tell you what you want to hear that he is not your responsibility and get the heck out of Dodge while you still can but I don't know. You might be able to find family to take your partner, IDK. Other's will say to make sure you speak with an Elder Care Attorney and that would be good advice.

I understand the feelings of being trapped with no way out until who knows when. I'm hoping I live through this but it's possible I won't. I need alcohol and cannabis to help me cope, I drink too much.  I do  not want to be here! Nobody does. If I drink too much the day before then it truly is hell being a caregiver so I try to limit myself to some degree.
She depends on me for everything and there's just know way I can abandon her during the worst part of her "our" life. It's my burden to carry and I hate it so freaking much and it's a nightmare I can't wake up from but I do it, not willingly. I never imagined. People always tell me I'm a good person, no I'm not. I feel guilty because I hate being here with a passion and want my / our life back more than anything else in this world. Maybe others are more noble in their hearts than I am but I don't feel noble at all, just doing what I have to.

She pleads with me everyday, all day "please don't leave me!" Now that statement is turning into "Please don't let me die!"

Many people, including my DW, do not even know they have dementia or Alz.
She knows something is wrong deep down though.

Quilting brings calm

I’m not a spouse.  I’m a daughter.  Trust me everyone on either the caregiver or spouse forums has had the same exact feelings you do. They might not write them down as well as you have.  We aren’t saints although some may be martyrs.  Everyone here has their breaking point.  Many of us have our person with dementia ( PWD) in assisted living or memory care facilities because  we have reached or exceeded or limits  

Your LO( loved one)  has early onset( prior to age 65).  It sounds like he has had it for quite some time.  He’s not doing this on purpose.  He doesn’t plan because he can’t.   The things you’d like for him to do are beyond his current ability to do.  Thinking that way may help lessen your resentment toward him. 

First thing for you to do is to visit a lawyer and get all your finances and property separated  from his. If you are living in his home, then start looking for a place of your own.  

   Then  I suggest you call his family together and tell him you can’t do this anymore.  That you don’t have the legal authority to do it because you aren’t married to him.  If you are his financial and legal POA, you can revoke it.  You cannot be forced to continue in that capacity  if you don’t want to.    In addition some non married caregivers have found themselves left out in the cold because of feuds  with family members due to finances or caregiving differences of opinion.   Family feuds can be disastrous if you aren’t prepared for  it.  

Novice AD Partner-Ca

Thank you ghphotog. Thank you for being honest. Sometimes I think that's what helps the most, other people saying "I feel that too". The isolation is truly awful. Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by zombies, nobody knows what is happening in my world, and I'm just going through motions, acting.

I guess it is good that people don't know they have AD, perhaps that helps them not suffer too much. Maybe that's just one little kind thing about this godawful disease. 

I really don't know how to cope with this. My doctor has diagnosed me with acute distress - anxiety and depression, I guess that's why I can't sleep and cry all the time whenever my partner is not around. I suppress it when he is around and act cheerful. I'm not on medication, I think I need to get some. I don't want to self-medicate with alcohol, I think that would not help much. 

I do not think I'm cut out to be a carer. I've always felt this, which is why I never had children. Something about the way I'm wired. 

I know it sounds as though I don't care about my partner. That is not the case. But even before this diagnosis, I felt as though I were being suffocated and I needed to escape. It's all very well to care for the other person, and their life and wellbeing. But surely we have a duty of care to ourselves too.

I look on all these Alzheimer's sites, information and care etc, and they urge caregivers to "look after yourself" and one suggestion I just came across was to have a little break, even if "just a few minutes". Another suggested having an after noon per month all to yourself. Seriously? One after noon per month?  I feel sheer dread and panic contemplating this. It sounds completely insane.

Novice AD Partner-Ca

Thank you quilting brings calm. Thank you for the practical advice. As I read it, I realized with a sinking heart that I cannot do that. I cannot really abandon my partner and foist him onto his old mother and already overburdened sister. There is nobody else. He would not do that to me. He does not mean to be the way he is. But I do need to get help to try and plan to get help with having him cared for. (Phew) because I just simply cannot do this all on my own, it is too much for me. The affect on my mental health and my desire to continue to be alive is too much. I do not want to continue to be alive simply to be a slave to the needs of another person. I feel as though my own mind is unravelling. The lack of flights of thought, following trains of thought and going around and around in circles, the repetition. It's scary. The lack of sleep and the anxiety and depression is so bad, I imagine when he is finally gone I will be a shell of my former self.

mommyandme (m&m)

My mom had AD and I was her 24/7 caregiver. I had lots of help, most everyday I was doing my own thing.  There’s no way I could have continued with an hour here or a day there.  I am a spouse of a healthy person but if he is ever diagnosed with dementia, I’m not sure if I would do it again for him. That sounds terrible, I hear you. I think I’d either place myself in a facility or jump off a cliff before burdening any family member with my care if I come down with it.  

Your partner didn’t make the commitment to you of “until death do us part”. My first thoughts are if you are ok with his family not being in your life, leave this horrible shyte to them. Go live your full life and don’t look back. Just let them know so he’s taken care of.  

I’m so sorry! 

A. Marie

Novice, here's my advice in plain English: Run, don't walk. It sounds as if his family is willing to shuck all the responsibility onto you, if you'll allow it. Don't. Get out while the getting is good. Don't allow guilt to rule you.

BTW, I'm guessing from your handle and from some of your expressions (your LO's pension, "the football," etc.) that you are in Canada? If so, those of us here in the US can't offer much advice as to your legal options, but perhaps other readers in Canada can.

toolbeltexpert

Novice I am a spouse that has had to place my dw, because of the inability to keep her safe, and for her own well being. My dw would beat herself black and blue, bite herself behaviours that needed help that I couldn't do. I want to say that you are very articulate, you write very well and express yourself very well. This is not my forte.  Your feelings are so valid, either way you go there are so many emotions and they have to be dealt with, I find writing it out even if it's confusing for the readers helps us to reason. Please don't think we are some special breed of folks if we were we wouldn't need this forum. We are all human doing the best we can. I am finding that getting back into life isn't easy but I refuse to let Alzheimers take me.

I hope on April 4th your still here. Your journey and being articulate may be a help for someone else.

Stewart

harshedbuzz

Novice-

I would advise you to consult an Elder Law Attorney about disentangling yourself from this situation. There may be consequences to splitting up if you own property jointly, if you own he might have tenant rights or live in a state that recognizes common law marriage. It can be done. 

Please know that you are not alone in your thoughts. Not all marriages or relationships are on solid footing when dementia is diagnosed. My parents' marriage had been increasingly unhappy when dad was finally diagnosed; I suspect some-- but not all of that was down to the changes in his behavior in the early stages of the disease exacerbating (poor executive function and a complete lack of empathy) his already difficult personality. 

The CELA talked her through her options. She would have lost half their assets to start which would have reduced her standard of living in the context of him having lost $350K day-trading not long before he was diagnosed. Her situation was a bit different in that she and dad were in their early 80s. She ultimately decided to stick it out for 3 reasons. She didn't want to be judged by her "silent generation" peers, she did have some fond memories and she didn't trust me to be the one driving dad's health care decisions or inherit if he passed before he spent down all his assets. It was a gamble that paid off for her because he was 84 and had a number of health issues. Had they been younger, I have no doubt she would have started a new life for herself.

One of my aunts did divorce her very charming and fun but increasingly irresponsible husband. She was about 55 at the time; he was about 20 years older. Six months later she was working at a very well known hospital when he was wheeled into the ER unconscious. Coworkers recognized him and called her down as she was still listed as an emergency contact. Long story short, he'd been diagnosed with a large benign tumor in his frontal lobe 3 years earlier and never told her. She did contact his adult children who took over responsibility for his care but she did keep in touch with them/him over the years until he died. She lost access to "their" vacation home but was able to build a new life for herself.

I would urge you to take care of you.

HB

PookieBlue

Dear Novice,

Thank you for your articulate post. Please don’t beat yourself up. You absolutely deserve to live your life the way you want, and you are still young enough to do so. There is no shame in feeling as you do. If you were struggling with your relationship even before the diagnosis, I can imagine how you feel. I would hope for you not to feel forced to be admirable. I think it would just eat you from the inside until it destroyed you. Caregiving is hard enough without that and not everyone has the life experiences needed to fill this role. This is a horrible disease to have to live with. There are so many different stages that we endure all by ourselves; some a little more tolerable (not much though) than others. The worst so far for me dealt with hatefulness, threats, and blame placed on me for everything. No longer having a partner to share anything is a sad and very depressive life,  and I don’t expect that to change. I go through the same motions every day. It’s like Groundhog Day. It’s nearly impossible to feel excitement for anything, as the future is now in every minute that passes and the light at the end of tunnel is dim. Motivation is a struggle. Coping is different for all of us. I actually retreat to my own world in order to survive. Most of the time I am playing a role that was cast on me against my will. I have become good at it as long as I spend as much of my mental time in my own world as I possibly can. My world consists of lots of calm music, playing my piano, adult coloring, puzzles, singing to myself,  and praying (which has become difficult for me for some reason). I know I will be facing many more challenges that will test my will, but for now I am just grateful that I don’t have those challenges yet. I don’t feel guilt for not doing more. I am satisfied that for now I am doing enough to keep him safe and me sane. I wish you well and that will find happiness and fulfillment in your endeavors.

Jgirl57

Because you care about him it is good you know

you are not able to physically /mentally take care of him. Do not feel bad and it is not abandoning

him.  If he has family they can help you get him settled into another living arrangement. 

This is a terrible disease and you can only do what you can do. I have started touring alternate living places (assisted living and memory care centers) for my HWD because it is so emotionally draining . I think within a year or two he will be placed.

M1

Novice, I tend to agree with HarshedBuzz here.  Sounds like you know that you can't serve as his primary caregiver longterm, but it also sounds like you feel some responsiblity and would feel guilty abandoning him for something that is not his fault.  I think consulting an attorney would be a wise way to go--not only about being sure your assets are legally separated, but that may also give you a handle on what the care options for him will be without you.  After all, in some ways, married or not, we all have to think about this--those of us who are caregivers willing or not could be hit by a bus tomorrow, so there has to be a contingency plan, someone with backup power of attorney, etc.  If there is no family capable or wiling to take power of attorney for him, he may need to become a ward of the state.  The attorney can help you think through the options, and it sound like to me that would facilitate your leaving with a clean conscience.  The attorney could also be the one to contact his mother and/or sister and not put that responsibility on you.  

One of many good things about this forum is that very little is off-limits for discussion and certainly nothing in the way of valid feelings.  All of us wish for a way out, you are not alone in that at all.

jfkoc

And.....please check to see if you are considered to legally be in a coommon law marriage befor you make changes.

Denise1847

I hope by these posts that you are seeing that you are not a monster, but a real person with feelings, fears and a life to live.   I can only speak for myself in telling you that all of the feelings you expressed are the same that I have had.  I have been married for 50 years and my DH has always been passive and unwilling to grow, but I made that decision to accept his ways.  Family says the same as you have described and don't see how difficult it is.   I wish I could tell you it will get better if you stay, but I cannot.   All of your feelings are valid and I have and do feel them on a regular basis.   It might help to go to a therapist just to talk through your feelings.   It is so helpful to do this and not feel judged.   It may be very helpful to you to find a church to attend and connect with God through prayer and study.   I am so sorry that you are experiencing this nightmare that is a disease that slowly kills the patient and the caregiver.  I hope that you will get the clarity and strengh to move forward.

Iris L.

IMO, this letter should be sent to a reporter for a human interest story.  You are not alone in these thoughts.  Also, this could be a topic on a Dr Phil-type show.   There are supposed to be 5 million PWDs.  Not all of them have natural family caregivers.

Iris L.

jaxmom

I know just how you felt with the “assumption”. When the doc officially told us my husband’s diagnosis,  she handed me my Caretaker Packet, a folder with flyers about Alzheimer support resources, and simplistic basics about the disease. No one asked me, they just assumed I would take care of him. 

And I guess I will. In my way. 

Since we did truly love, and since I have children that I want to set a good example for, I am saying the right things. Like “love isn’t just in the good times”. I tell him I love him and that I will take care of him. And I will. It isn’t his fault. But the health system we have and AD makes it just unfair and impossible. So  am trying to do it MY way. I call it I Dont Care Taking. I am trying to not fret some things. I am not going to “never do this or never do that” like they tell you in the Caretaker Packet. If he does weird things or just sits and stares out the window for hours, I will let him. Entertaining him all day isn’t my job (The suggestions such as folding dish towels or busy boxes make me laugh, they are so not of use!). 

So I agree with you in many ways. I am no compassionate saint. I don’t know how long I can keep this up. And I don’t want this in my life. I am glad he progresses fast... whenever I start to feel guilty for admitting that I do one of my checks, “What would I want if it were me?” And I would want to progress fast and get it over with once I went beyond stage 4. 

So I understand. And if you aren’t married, and weren’t that happy together anyway, I think you should see a lawyer to get things straight, then see a therapist and talk it out, on how to not kick yourself for walking away. And then you should walk away from the caretaking. Visit him if you want, but you don’t have to do the caretaking.

mrahope

Yes, that "saint" label truly is not a one size fits all.  In fact, I think it is a one size fits practically no one.  We had a really wonderful marriage and two children, but he is turning into someone I no longer recognize.  It's BEYOND horrible, and if your relationship was on shaky ground before this, I can't imagine a reason to stay, especially without the legal status of marriage.

I also recommend some good counseling (psychological, and maybe spiritual, if that is meaningful for you) just to give you a place to sort through all the details.  You need that safe space so you can make plans for yourself and for him with no one judging you.

Never, ever believe that this comes naturally to anyone, or is even close to easy for anyone, even those whose relationship was loving.  I often feel like I'm an animal in a box and my DH is slowly covering up the air holes that let me breathe.

In short, many of us are where you are in our minds, if not in our outward lives.

ghphotog

Novice, some say we are only doing this because we want to and if we truly wanted out we could just walk away. I wish it was that easy. Life is soo much more complicated than that. I've also felt trapped in our marriage before this ever happened and now even more so. My wife never gave me a reason to divorce her I know she loves me more than anyone probably could. I took that for granted in the past. Why do I stay when all I have to do is harden my heart and go? IDK, she's my wife.

I don't have kids of my own and someday I will be on my own without anyone to look after me. Why am I sacrificing my life and health now? I guess only a therapist can sort that out for me and I am considering it. 

Some deep sense of duty, obligation and commitment I suppose. When she no longer recognizes me then I guess that will be my que to place her. Then I can walk away in good conscience but that's just me. 

ElaineD

Dear Novice AD Partner:

I know exactly how you feel.  I was ready to leave my DH of many years because he was so verbally and emotionally abusive.  The abuse had escalated in the prior three years.

It turns out that my DH's abusive behavior (escalation) was one of the personality changes that often accompanies dementia.  

There are so many that are never discussed:  loss of executive function, cannot plan multi-step operations.

loss of social filter (saying whatever comes in their mind and leaving the dining table abruptly once he's finished eating)

apathy, 

short term memory loss and longer term memory loss, 

repetitive behavior (my DH has 50 shirts, or more, yet DH wears the same plaid shirts over and over, 

misplacing things (yikes if DH says 'I can't find my phone' 'I can't find my wallet' one more time I will scream.

The emotional and verbal abuse stopped rather abruptly at about the three year mark....but the other symptoms are very pronounced.

It turns out that I could not leave DH due to financial constraints.  I did decide to enter a Senior Living Community near us (Independent Living) because I have become increasing disabled and needed to be able to navigate my surroundings on my own.  I had to stop driving in 2016.  And DH ignored me for hours on end in our house with stairs at all exits.

When he knew I was really going to move, he cried, and asked to come with me.  I said yes, and here were are three years later.

Because I am so very disabled (walk with braces and a walker, and only very short distances) I will NOT BE ABLE to provide ANY PHYSICAL ASSISTANCE to my DH.  Or manage Sundowning, or any behavior that requires restraining him from leaving our apartment.

So I won't be a saint and I am not sorry.  We do have LTC insurance which will provide care for him once he needs appropriate supervision.  But he's not at that point yet.  In fact there are residents here in Independent Living who have progressed far further than he has with dementia.

I could probably qualify for LTC insurance right now...but that would mean leaving this apartment and entering another facility (Assisted Living).  If DH stays in the apartment that would mean double expenses for us (in two facilities).  And he could move with me, but he abhors Assisted Living and the clearly demented residents and the less attractive surroundings.

So I'm taking it a day at a time, but it's hard.  I just recovered from Covid, followed by a 4 day hospital stay for bacterial pneumonia.  He has been my caretaker, but it's getting harder and harder to help him, since he argues every step of the way.

I don't have any advice, but I know that the wonderful, nonjudgemental people here will have lots of helpful, supportive words.

Elaine

danapuppy

I'm going to be the other voice. It is unfair of you to seek validation for your decision to unburden yourself from caring for your partner from the folks in this ALZ support forum. Most of us here have or had all the same fears you expressed, and more. But these folks put their shoulder to the stone and push it up the hill each day, like Sysiphis. Most are to nice and to caring...not my way to blow smoke where the sun doesn't shine. Stay and care for him or don't. But asking these folks to ease your conscious is cowardly.

ElaineD

One more thought;  

A caretaker of her DH here once asked:  Why is my DH's life more important than mine?

Interesting question, no?

If you can arrange reasonable care for your DH and then go on to live your life, what in heaven's name is wrong with that?

Caretakers often die of the stress of caretaking BEFORE the person they are caring for.  At least that's what I have heard here, often.

Elaine

Quilting brings calm

Dana - Novice is not saying anything the rest of us haven’t thought.  We’ve all posted similar thoughts and called it venting. She’s shell  shocked  and scared.  That doesn’t make her a coward, and I am totally  on board with validating her feelings. My parents are in assisted living because I’m not up to the task of caring for them 24/7.  There was a post a few weeks ago where we all expressed our internal thoughts  in support of another member who was at their  limit too.  

This support  forum is where we can be honest and tell people the truth without being judged.  That doesn’t mean we allow  people in denial to stay there but it does mean we allow people to feel what they feel.  At least that’s my view of this forum. Your mileage may vary 

Paris20

Novice, thanks so much for turning to this caregivers’ forum, the best to find advice, information, and support. You were honest with us and I’ll be honest with you. First, we are not saints. We’re human beings who are trying to do what we think is best, for our partner but ultimately for ourselves. 

I’ve known my husband, who has AD and had a stroke, for 60 years, married for 58. We have a long shared history, two children, three grandchildren, and a new great-grandson. Things became so bad with my husband at home (outbursts, totally inappropriate sexual comments, verbal violence bordering on the physical, incontinence 1&2) that an early attempt at dealing with it was to up my wine consumption. Bad idea. One horrible day I wound up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. I almost died. I have not had any alcohol from that day onward but I learned a hard lesson. We cannot put self care on hold to get through this.

If your partner has siblings and children, tell them the truth about how you feel. Don’t allow others to tell you what’s right or wrong. Each one of us here has dealt with this living nightmare in various and varying ways. Some strategies are the same, some are unique. If you cannot bear it anymore, you’re not a bad person. You’re a human being, like the rest of us.

Ed1937

Partner, I'll repeat what I said earlier. Some people are simply not cut out for the job of caregiver, and if they move on, so be it. That wouldn't mean they are bad people in my book. 

danapuppy

Certainly, the caregiver is a challenging role (understatement of the year). I live it everyday. Not for everyone either. And I believe in the right to say whatever is on your mind, equally applicable to myself. The beauty of this medium is the SUPPORT for "Caregivers". I am simply unsympathic toward someone seeking valadation from strangers for their life choices. Especially from a group cracking their backs caring for folks plagued with this nightmare.

danapuppy

By the way I am new here too. Maybe I'm in the wrong place. I expected a place where other individuals shared ideas that have helped care for and deal with the issues encountered caring for someone with Alzhiemer's. Poor Novice appears to have many more issues than the conundrum of caring for someone suffering from Alzhiemer's. It seems to me she might seek care from a mental health professional for herself before confronting the issue of being a caregiver. Advice that I did not note anyone suggest. 

A coward is defined as, a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things. Which is how Novice described herself. 

ghphotog

Dana, calling someone a coward on this forum seems a bit self-righteous. Who wants be here in life and when I saw this coming down in my own life I was scared as hell. Please don't label people playing "devil's advocate". We all need alternative perspectives and that part is good just leave the labels out of it.

Kibbee

People come to this online community everyday to talk about experiences and lessons learned, to share their feelings. and sometimes to vent.  And everyday other online community members pay respect by listening, sharing information, agreeing or disagreeing, sometimes saying "yes, I've had that same or a similar experience", or "yes, I sometimes feel like that too".  That is simply being honest and supportive.  

We are not in a contest here, vying for some kind of prize for being the most selfless and dedicated caregiver of them all.  We are just individuals each with our own unique abilities and shortcomings, trying our best to cope with a challenging situation that none of us have chosen, but all of us have to respond to in the best way we can manage.  My best way may not be your best way, but that doesn't make it wrong or less than.

Just Bill

I think the cause of panic for a lot of people is the lack of choice in our decision. One minute everything is fine the next minute your whole life is capsized with elements of your life floating away. I have a choice. I could go to the biggest hospital I can find and bring her to the top floor without and I.D. and say wait here and never come back. Or, I could take care of her the rest of her life and deal with whatever comes with it. My conscience makes my decision for me. I could run away to Alaska and drink myself to death for leaving her high and dry, or I can experience a clear head when this is all over I escorted her off the planet as pleasantly as I could. Once the decision is made suck it up buttercup and handle it. Exercise, meditate, sports, music, anything to positively distract yourself and go to work. Does it suck ? Yes. But not as bad as the alternative for me. I still have very strong feelings for her and even though she is sick I am glad she is still alive. She is still in there despite being sick. There is a lot of positive moments left in her. When she dies I will have no regrets.

????

When we found out a year and half ago that my wife of 45 years had Alzheimer's I promised her two things.  One I was here to the end of the journery, two I would keep her at home as long as I can.  We have a long time to go on this journery, or at least I think we do.  But at times, I have doubts about getting through this.  I think your thoughts and emotions are simular to what most of us have at time.  You are not married, so you may be in a little different situation.  I think the advice to talk to a lawyer is good advice.  Take your time to make the decision that you can live with, and make your decision.  Nobody has the right to judge you, they are not walking in your tracks.