How to help my mother in law .

LizDIL

I just joined this forum today and am hoping for some suggestions.  My dear MIL has been diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer’s.   I am married to her oldest son and she has 3 more sons, no daughters.  As the DIL that has been in the family the longest (37 years) and am the closest to her, it is falling on me to be her main caregiver.  I do not mind that but I just want to do it right.  Two of my sisters in laws live 5 hours away and the other lives 45 minutes away and is willing to help to the extent she can but bottom line is she depends on me,

I guess my question for now is how do I help her as she is in the middle stage of knowing she is losing her memory.  I almost wish she didn’t know.  But she is so depressed about it and I try to reassure her that we are here for her but she seems to just want to withdraw.  She was very willing to give up driving, which shocked me, and is allowing us to take her to all her appointments and food shopping etc.  But she is so sad with me and it breaks my heart.  She is trying to fake it with her friends and they are so kind to her even though they see her slipping.  But I just need suggestions as to how to help her.  She keeps saying “my dementia is getting bad and I can’t stand it.”  I’m at the point where I wish she didn’t know she had dementia, although I know that would mean she is in a later stage.

Any suggestions as how to get through this stage would be helpful.  Btw,  my husband, her oldest son, already has POA and all legal things are in place. And I monitor all her finances and medications for her, for which she is so graciously thankful.  That just makes it harder to see her decline.

Thank you, Liz

jfkoc

Hello Liz...

It is so very difficult to know how to help a progressive disease and I agree with you....perhaps better not to know.

One thing that was shared with me was to listen. Acknowledge the fear, anger and frustration. 

Soft hugs also a big help.

Judith

LizDIL

Thank you, Judith. I appreciate your comment and will give her lots of hugs.

Liz

M1

Liz, is she living alone?  Is she lonesome?  I wonder, since she is acknowledging the problem, if she would be open to an early move to a assisted living community if finances allow.  Or perhaps a day program?  Just a thought.

Iris L.

Welcome Liz.  I am responding as a person with cognitive impairment.  Receiving a dementia diagnosis pushes us to the forefront of our mortality.  One thing that helped me is having a sense of control.  I could not control my illness, but I could control how I responded to it.  In my case, I decided to learn as much as I could about what I needed to do, and then to do it.  

On the I Have Dementia board I was introduced to Best Practices.  I decided to get serious about Best Practices.  I also communicated with the other PWDs (persons with dementia) and with the caregivers.  I learned a lot and I came out of my depression.  

Being a part of decisions regarding her future options may be of help.  Many people fear being "put away in a home".  It is important to  frame residential options as meeting care needs, not being abandoned. 

Your mil does not have anosognosia, which is unawareness.  It may come later, but for now, she can be involved.  I think it is important to develop a personal philosophy about living with dementia.  This is what I developed from reading the many threads and posts.  There is too much for me to go into here.

It might help your MIL to spend more time with her children and grandchildren,  if there are any, as opposed to strangers at adult day care.  Perhaps later for that.  Have the family call and send cards, not just emails or texts.  Be sure she gets Mother's Day gifts.  Look at family photos.  Celebrate her!

Don't be morose.  But let her know how much you love her.  Are there family recipes or stories she can pass on?  Even if she makes mistakes, acknowledge snd appreciate her efforts.  

You can invite her to post on the I Have Dementia board, if you think she would be up to it.  I will welcome her. 

Addendum: you did not give her age, nor whether she has any spiritual beliefs.  If she has, you might help her explore those beliefs.  They can be a comfort to her.

Iris L.

Marta

Is your MIL taking medication for depression?

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LizDIL

Thanks for responding.  Yes, she does live alone and keeps insisting she likes it that way.  She says she wants to just be alone but I see her light up around people.  I’m not sure she could afford AL and I don’t think she is quite at that point.  But she definitely needs more people around just for companionship and that is something I can work on with her friends and family.

LizDIL

That last response was for M1. I thought when I hit reply, it just went to that participant. That being said, I thank all of you for your kind and helpful responses.  All great information!

Marta, she is on an antidepressant which doesn’t seem to be working right now.  They tried raising the dosage but she got very lightheaded on a higher dose.

Iris, great advice from someone going through it!  She is 83 years old and the computer is practically impossible for her to use.  We have spent hours, days, weeks, months, etc to teach her but she just can’t get it.  The only thing she can do is go on zoom which became a necessity during lockdown and the pandemic in general.  But that is one of the things that gets her very depressed.  The iPad totally frustrates her that she can’t do it and then she gets more depressed and said she is stupid.  I assure her she is not and that technology isn’t for everyone.

Victoria, fortunately my husband is on top of all that with the DPOA.  But she is insistent on keeping her checkbook and paying her own bills (although I watch very closely.)  I have offered to take over all that for her but I think that will just depress her more and I don’t want to hurt her and just take it away.  Don’t quite know how to do that.  She does save everything for me to look at first but last week she went to pay a $118 “bill” which she didn’t even owe.  I caught it before she wrote the check but then she gets mad at herself.  I do her pills every week for her but I do not see her take them.  She has always had pride that she is a healthy woman so taking meds is hard for her!  She hates it and complains about it a lot.  I try telling her we all need meds for something and it doesn’t mean she is less of a person.  I have many health issues myself and take way more medications than she could dream of and try to remind her that I don’t like it either but it is a necessity.  That seems to calm her down a bit.

She is a very religious person and her faith is what sustains her.  We have a whole congregation of friends that love her and are very kind and attentive to her.  But I think she is at a point where she can’t follow a conversation with more than one person and then withdraws.  It must be so frustrating for her.

I can’t thank you all enough for your suggestions and encouragement!  Perusing this forum will be very helpful as well.

Liz

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Iris L.

Liz, I have to amend my earlier post b/c your MIL does seem to have a degree of anosognosia.  Meaning, she may acknowledge having a Memory problem, but she is not aware of the full implications in terms of financial safety or other aspects.  I am going to address some points.

At 83 with dementia, her days of living alone safely are limited.  You and DH should be making steps toward Plan B without involving her st this time, IMO.  Decide if she will move in with you or move to memory care.  Read the many posts on how to accomplish this.  

I don't recall if you mentioned driving, but she doesn't sound cognitive enough to be behind the wheel.  There are many threads on driving dangers.

Bill paying--good advice above.  Get control of the funds, they need to be protected.

Someone should be dispensing the meds, she is not competent.  Ask the doctors if some meds can be eliminated.

You and DH have to realize that you cannot rely on  her own estimations of her cognitive status.  You have to discreetly observe the hidden aspects of living--her eating, cooking, using the stove, showering, bill paying, handling money and other aspects.  These are called instrumental ADLs.  Read about this, she is flailing about.

You have to learn a new way of communication.  Stop "reminding" as if she just had a momentary slip.  She has dementia and she will not retain much.  This is the disease.  Learn about Validation Therapy and approach communication on a new way.

Read about the stages and go from there.

Iris

LizDIL

Thank you so much both Victoria and Iris.  You are very knowledgeable about this and my DH and I need to take more action.  Wonderful information from you!