My DH is insisting that I rehome my cats!

Palmetto Peg

My DH was diagnosed two years ago with MCI, which has now progressed to moderate levels.  He needs helps with almost everything, but does still take care of his ADLs.  I am making all of the decisions about the house, getting bills paid, cars serviced, etc.

Six months ago he decided that he wanted to move from South Carolina back to New Jersey to be near his family.  As soon as the weather got cold, he wanted to move back to South Carolina because he didn't like not being able to play golf every day.  Of course, I said no to that, and he has been depressed and difficult all winter.  He also had a falling out with his brother almost immediately, and says we should never have moved near to him and goes over and over that issue daily.

Now he has decided that my two cats are a HUGE problem and he wants them gone.  He is annoyed about everything they do, and on one of his really bad days, he tried to kick one of them out of the way.  I read him the riot act and told him if he ever did that again he would be out on his ear, and for a while he just ignored them.  Now he is back to complaining constantly about them and yelling at them to get away every time they get near him.  One of my cats is a sensitive soul and he is very stressed about this change, and has started vomiting almost daily.  Of course, that really sets DH off.   The other one runs away every time DH gets near to him.

What to do?  They are almost  12 years old and I have had them since they were kittens.  I love them dearly, and they provide some comfort for me as they are my only source of affection.  I am worried that he will hurt one of them, and I am so tired of the constant nagging about them.

I can't imagine it would be easy to rehome a pair of older cats, and it would be just terrible to separate them.  They are litter mates and have been together since birth.  I also feel so resentful that this would be one more thing I have to give up, while he just keeps sucking the joy out of everything!

What would you do?  Thanks so much for any ideas!  I wish I could rehome DH!!!

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ElaineD

Peg, I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your beloved cats.

I do believe that you would be able to rehome them, to a very good home, in fact.  There are many people who want older cats because the 'kitten stage' is too demanding.  With an older cat they would have what they want.

I also think you could rehome them together.  However, I don't know how you can go about finding a new home for them.  You could call the local cat shelter and ask for advice.  You really don't want to turn your cats over to the shelter, I imagine.

Or ask your veterinarian for help.  The vet may know of someone looking for cats to love.

I do agree that your DH may be very upset by the cats, now that he is more advanced in his dementia.   I also understand how hard it is to see your life disappearing before your eyes as you accommodate your DH changes.  I have such anger and grief that is often more than I can bear.  

Talk to your vet.

Elaine

ladyzetta

Dear Peg.

I am also a cat lover, I have 2 and for me rehoming is out of the question. If I were you, I would try other things before I even thought about rehoming. You have had your kitties for a long time, they may adjust to a new home it they are together, but will you adjust not having them around? You need them, as well. 

This is what I would do if I had to try something. I would put them in a room along with the litterbox and their food and water bowls. A room that you can visit when you need some down time, a room with a recliner and some music, maybe keep the door locked if you think your DH will go in there. Your kitties are old so it might be easier for them to adjust to something like this. It might be harder for mine to adjust they are only 1.5 years old. 

There may be other ideas, but this would work in my house. Iam sorry your having to deal with the idea of rehoming your kitties.

Hugs Zetta 

Iris L.

Do whatever you have to do to protect the kitties!  I have three older cats, one very old.  He walks slowly and doesn't see well, he is defenseless.

Iris

Palmetto Peg

I will do whatever I have to in order to protect them.  I think I will speak to my vet first and see if she has any ideas.  If nothing else, my sensitive kitty would benefit from a tranquilizer.  They were traumatized by the move, and more so by his change in attitude toward them.  I am sure it would help with the vomiting, and might get DH to back off a little.  If nothing works, I will have to rehome them, but it will be done with great care.  I won't separate them but for now having a separate room for them would help, too.  DH has a doctor's appointment next month, and I will also mention the issue to her.  He might need a medication adjustment, too, as he has been more anxious and depressed than normal during these winter months.  This disease is so terrible, both for our loved ones, but for us, too.  The loss is incalculable - we lose our partners, our future with them, our own happiness, and sometimes our pets.  Thank you for your advice, and for letting me have a place to share this problem on.  It has been a hard few months, and I still have much to learn about how to protect my own mental health!

ElaineD

Dear Peg, this forum is so wonderful.  

It didn't OCCUR to me to isolate the cats in one room because I don't have an extra room now that we live in a Senior Living Community.  Our apartment is one bedroom, one bath, 800 sq ft.  

But if you have the room, go for it!  And do talk to your vet as well.  Vets always put our beloved pets first.

I hope these ideas and support are helping you.  They help me so much.

Elaine

dayn2nite2

I would call his doctor today and not wait.  Also, your husband will no longer be able to be left with the cats unsupervised - he can and may hurt or kill them.

Rehoming DH?  That brings up a subject that's always good to plan for - what are your plans for him as he becomes more and more impaired?  Do you have all of your legal things in order so if he does need to be placed, it can be done without legal issue?

Do you know what placement looks like financially?  Have you been to visit any facilities near you of all types, memory care, adult foster home, nursing home?

mommyandme (m&m)

I’ve used Feliway for stressed out cats.  When we moved my LO here with her cats, it helped them with traveling (a spray) and had two plug-in diffusers in the house.  They weren’t used to living in the house together. Long story. You can get it at the pet store but I was on an auto shipment from Amazon.  Maybe the vet might chime in too.  I love cats and would have a very difficult time re-homing. I’m so sorry! 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=feliway%27&hvadid=409930529746&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9028897&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=807021546533601589&hvtargid=kwd-33519775764&hydadcr=7555_11323116&tag=googhydr-20&ref=pd_sl_2kk1ituhd4_e

Nowhere

Perhaps medication would help your difficult husband? If he were acting aggressive towards people, this would be suggested. Your cats are your family and they deserve to be protected, but also should not be the ones to have to suffer rehoming. Your husband appears to be having a more stressful time with his brother, too. I’d talk to his AD specialist about behavior modification drugs for him.  It could be he is undergoing stress and depression and “kicking the dog”, in this case cats. You could end up getting rid of the cats only to find his behavior turns aggressive towards you. Taking care of yourself is important, too. Your cats provide you comfort. They are not the problem. Good luck!

Another Day

Don't give in to this demand. No way. He wanted to move back to NJ, you moved, he wanted to go back home, you didn't move. He wants, he wants, he wants....sounds like a petulant child. My DH has done this same stuff. I put up with a certain amount, but there are some lines which should not be crossed. It's up to you to make that determination. I know how I feel about our two feline fur babies. I moved upstairs away from DH last year when he became physically aggressive with me. I have two doors with locks, they go locked every night. Both kitty cats know that the doors go shut at night. The older one usually follows me up the steps at bedtime, and the other knows how to scratch the door if he wants in. I hope you're not in the same situation that I'm in, but it sounds close. My DH is manipulative as anyone can imagine, harps on things until I get totally sick of hearing about whatever. My solution - I go upstairs and find something to do. He gets lonely at times and has stated as much. But, when I've had enough of the BS, I have created my own safe space where I can breath. Do you have a space you can get off by yourself and get the cats away from his aggression? Can you make one? Even a guest bedroom would do. Be careful, please, he may turn on you next, mine already has.

Palmetto Peg

Thank you all again for the wonderful suggestions.  As far as rehoming DH, it is too soon.  I know he (we) could move to assisted living, but he really isn't ready for MC yet.  As far as acting like a petulant child, that is EXACTLY what he does.  It is always all about him.  It always was all about him!  Early on I posted about caring for a spouse with dementia that I didn't love, and nothing has changed.  He wasn't a good husband, and he isn't a good PWD now.  I am actively looking for a paid companion to play golf with him.  He is so much better when he gets out and gets some exercise, but he has a hard time staying focused and not stepping in front of other golfers or putting out of turn.  Serious golfers just don't like that, and he just doesn't get asked to join the group again.  He won't have to know I am paying the person.  

I called the vet and am going to see her tomorrow.  Hopefully we can come up with at least a stress reliever for the cats.  His appointment is April 3, so I can wait for that.  In the meantime, I don't leave him alone with them unless I put them in the guestroom with toys and blankets for a while.  My DH is very much out of sight, out of mind about them.  He doesn't seek them out - just gets annoyed when they are around.  Every day I say I am going to take a nap and go into the bedroom with both kitties and close the door.  We have our snuggles and I take treats in there with me.  It is at least some special time we have together.  

So far there has been no hint of abuse (other than verbal) toward me.  At the first sign of that, I won't hesitate to call 911 and have them come and get him.  Maybe a psych eval is what he needs.  

The beat goes on for us, doesn't it?

Lhuerta

Wow.  I'm so sorry for this.  I can share my experience with beloved pets.  My DH, who has always loved our pets (we've always had at least one cat or dog) developed a strong hostility toward our sweet Joey.  He would stalk the cat and grab him forefully and throw him in the laundry room if I couldn't intercede.  He threatened to kill Joey.  I initially tried expressing my anger toward DH.  That only devolved into some passive agressive behaviour on my end.  He couldn't remember or understand what I told him, he only knew that I was in a foul mood and that just made him angry with me.  I was truly scared for Joey's life and did take him to our humane society who was very understanding.  He was adopted, thank goodness.  I would have worked with some other ways to find a good, loving match for Joey, but I really didn't have the time to do that.

I don't know why he acted like this.  That's the crazy thing about AZ.  Now, I have some relief by not worrying about Joey.

I'm so sorry.

Howaboutnow

For me, everything behavioral with dementia has its phase. My guess would be the issue he may have with cats today may pass. If it were me, if i could keep the 2 kitties safely at home I would. My cats and dog are incredible sources of unconditional love and mood elevators for me. I think i would spiral without them. Of course, I don’t know all the variables you have to deal with. But i think your instincts will help you decide.  

All the best to you.