God grant me the serenity......

ElaineD

Dear friends,

I haven't posted for a while.  My husband is still in the early to middle stages of vascular dementia.  But there are always new losses.

Right now I am trying to deal with refilling one of his prescriptions.  DH argues with me every step of the way, "remembers" incorrectly what has happened in the past.  Then DH shouts at me when I say perhaps he is 'misremembering".

I have been very sick, Covid followed by 4 days in the hospital in early March with bacterial pneumonia, and I am physically disabled.  My patience isn't good right now.

I just need to vent, I guess.  DH will argue and yell at me when I disagree with his version of events.  My memory is as sharp as can be, he doesn't remember most of our past now. 

I really do not want to deal with this RX problem.  It involves the prescribing physician, the drug store and the possibility of using a private compounding pharmacy, which we have in the past.  One problem is that the physician always writes the RX incorrectly for the compounding pharmacy, so that has to be dealt with if we try that route. 

When DH picked up his RX at the drug store yesterday it cost $188 for ONE month.  The same RX cost $89 for one month 4 months ago, from the SAME drug store.

I do not want to solve this problem...but it is impossible for him to use his executive function (rapidly disappearing) to work out the various issues and make calls, etc.

Right now DH has gone to the drug store (yes he is still driving) to ask why the same RX has gone from $89 to $188.  He can do one thing at a time and loves to talk to pharmacists.

I feel terrible about this.   I'm tired of handling his medications. I have 20 medications of my own, by the way.  Two of which are weekly injections at home, one of which is an eye injection at my ophthalmologist's office every 8 weeks, one of which is a 4 hour infusion supervised by a nurse in our apartment every 4 weeks.  That and about 16 daily medications.

DH just came back from the drug store.  He doesn't understand what they're telling him.  I'm not sure I do...but I JUST DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS.

I don't want to call our son, who lives near us, because his life is very busy and he has never offered to help with issues like this.  He knows where all of this is headed of course, but he wants me to manage things as long as I can.

$l88 for one month means $2,256 a year, beyond our means to say the least.   I don't think the insurance paid anything.  I just would be ok if I could handle it my way, on my own.  But I have to deal with him.

So I need the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (DH), my own exhaustion (PT and OT every day this week), and my overwhelming grief at what is happening to my marriage of going on 61 years.

If you've read this far, you are amazing!  I would have given up except I'm writing it.

I cannot walk without braces and a walker.  I can't cook, do laundry, wash dishes, move things from one place to another without great effort.  I am feeling angry and sorry for myself.

This too shall pass, of course.

Elaine

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BethL

Could the two of you move to an assisted living apartment? You obviously need help, and he is impaired. Or maybe have a housekeeper come in a few times a week to assist?

Iris L.

Don't you already live in a CCRC?  Do whatever you have to do to make your life easier.

Iris

dhyink

I had to take over DH's medication management after several mishaps in dosing and arranging for timely refills.   It is a lot of work!    Could you enroll in medication management services for you and your IS?

Quilting brings calm

Is your spouse on Medicare?  Is he in the deductible stage - which means the first $500 of medications each year is self pay?    You might also check the goodrx website which might have a coupon that he could use to reduce the price if insurance isn’t paying for it.  

My parents are in assisted living.  Their facility offers medication management which means the nurse handles all the renewing of prescriptions.  A local pharmacy delivers the prescriptions to the facility. The  prescriptions that are in pill form come  in blister packs and the staff distributes their medications on the appropriate day and time.  My parents don’t have to do anything.  

M1

Elaine it is good to hear from you, and I am so sorry you have been ill.  

You can vent here all you need.  

I agree with Victoria, it's probably time for your son(s) to step up  more.   You obviously need them to.  Are you afraid your son is also going to give you a hard time if you just say, "I can't do this any more?"  Surely he must realize that, at some level.  Your illnesses are not trivial and are progressing too, it seems.  

Wishing you the best, I wish there were more we could say or do to help.  

ElaineD

Many thanks to all your wonderful replies.

We live in a Senior Living Community in Independent Living, but not a CCRC, alas.

I could qualify for LTC, but I doubt if for DH at his stage of dementia LTC would apply.  He handles all activities of daily life, with ease.  Also, he has NO official diagnosis even tho' I have begged his Primary Care Physician to administer the simple paper and pencil test in her office.

If I moved to Assisted Living (which we have on site) DH could come with me, as there are apartments for two, and couples are there.  There is a long waiting list, and often residents move to other nearby AL facilities.

But DH would hate Assisted Living because of the large percentage of residents in AL who are clearly in the middle stages of dementia.  It is also a very small program (only about 35 rooms), so the entire joy of our Building, the open space and 105 apartments and cottages with many many residents would be lacking.

If DH were to stay in Independent Living and I moved to Assisted Living that would be two different charges one in IL and one in AL, beyond our financial means, even with the added LTC payment for me each month.

I manage my medications and injection schedule with ease.   DH has far fewer medications and allocates them each week, morning and night in medication boxes.  

I know there will come a time when DH shouldn't be driving.   DH should be assessed for that, of course.  My DS, the doctor (psychiatrist) says he will not be the one to take DH's keys away.   I had to stop driving in 2016.  I recognize the terrible risk, which always exists, if an accident occurs, with or without dementia.

I have so many doctors' appointments, some of them are at a distance from where we live, often more than one a week.  Our Community offers medical visit transportation, but only on certain days, and at a cost.  The cost becomes very high when the doctor's office is over 8 miles away.  All of that is reasonable, but contributes to my selfish desire for DH to continue driving.

I think I will figure out the prescription problem that precipitated my current 'melt down'.   DH has enough medication until the middle of April.  I need to read over both the Long Term Care document and requirements, AND the Prescription Insurance requirements and deductible.

Thank you again for listening, for caring, for reminding me of the danger to all of us if DH continues to drive past his abilities.

Elaine

June45

Elaine, dealing with all that is a lot for someone who feels well. But you have the added stress of being sick. Regarding the Rx, this is the beginning of a new year and your insurance deductible has to be met. The price of the Rx should go down once that happens later in the year.

PookieBlue

Elaine, The pharmacist and or technician should help you. They should contact the prescriber to ensure the rx is written correctly so it’s done right the first time. They should also give you some advice on financial help. It is time for more involvement with your son. Busy lives or not. You have given so much. It is time your family steps up to the plate. I’m sorry your plate is so full. I don’t know how you can do what you have been doing.

Denise1847

Dear Elaine D,

My God, you are a saint!   It is ok to vent and feel sorry for yourself.   I wish I could give you a hug and tell you this will get better.   God bless you and give you peace.