I need input on a different topic

Ed1937

I have a son who is mildly mentally handicapped. About four or five years ago, he tried to commit suicide by loading a rifle in a gun shop, then shooting himself in the head. The bullet grazed his head, and he was arrested. He was court ordered into a state hospital, and spent more than a year there. Long story short, he has a lot of mental problems, along with clinical depression. He is now going to the dark side again, which I know from experience. I'm trying to find help for him, which is really, really difficult. Mental health issues are hard.

Another problem is that he lives with me, and last week I got sick in the middle of the night, I woke him up because I felt like I might pass out. He got out of bed, and grabbed me as I fell to the floor. He called an ambulance, EMTs came, but I came out of it, and haven't had another problem since. Now he feels like he needs to be hospitalized for more than a few days (I agree), and he would like to go back to the state hospital. But he doesn't want to leave me by myself. He wants me to move in with my daughter and her family, which I am welcome to do, but I don't want to do that. He feels like I am forcing him to stay here, even though he might possibly have a chance for hospitalization. He needs a "cut above the rest" psychiatrist AND therapist. I've always told him he has to make up his mind what he wants for himself, and I wouldn't stand in his way. I want him to give me the same respect, but he feels trapped now because I want to live where I am. What to do?

Nowhere

Ed, 

Tell a white fib? Go to your daughters for a day or two when he first checks in? Then return home? But (take a step back) has the problem that caused you to pass out been identified so that you can be reasonably sure you’re okay? If not, does your daughter believe you’re okay to be alone at night? Might you invest in a monitoring system that would detect if you fell and summons a 911 call automatically? These systems offer peace of mind as they can be set up to also alert your child snd even call you first to see if you need EMS before deploying. 

I think your adult son needs encouragement to take care of his own needs and reassuring that you are okay without him being present. 

Best to you both.

Twin Mom

I totally agree with Nowhere.  We also have a son with serious mental health issues...and I know for a fact I would tell any necessary "white lie" I needed to so he would attend to his mental health.  Often times they do not want to seek care...so when they do...I say run not walk.  Wishing you the best...another option might be to spend the days at home and the nights at your daughter's for a bit if she is not too far away. When I was a child my grandparents did that with us...but their house was less than a mile away.

Ed1937

Thank you for the replies. But I really don't know why I posted this. I guess more of a rant than anything. I've been dealing with getting mental health options for about 20 years, and it seems almost non-existent. Yet it is such a common thing. 

Don't know what caused the blackout, but not worried about it. When it's my turn to go, I'll go. If it isn't, I'll stick around for a while.

Michael Ellenbogen

 Sorry for what you need to deal with. Mental health is a very tough problem to deal with. I am not sure I would tell him a lie. If he found out he may not trust you anymore and it seems that he does a lot. This is not like dementia where the person forgets. That would stick in my mind for ever if that happened to me.

 

harshedbuzz

Ed-

That is a difficult situation. When you say "mildly mentally handicapped" do you mean that he has mild intellectual disability in addition to depression and mental illness? 

I ask because if he's in a position where he is not quite independent and is both literally and emotionally dependent on you, he may be feeling very vulnerable having just come through the trauma that was losing his mom. I have a son with mild autism; he's bright, employed and even college-educated but not quite ready to launch emotionally. When my DH had a fall last year and was badly injured DS really struggled with his anxiety around his dad's mortality-- I'm his go-to for support and problem-solving but dad is his buddy.

If it were my kid, I would do what I could to reassure him. Perhaps a check-up with the doctor saying you are OK home alone or maybe getting a medical monitoring device or Apple Watch would be enough to relieve his anxiety about this. If not, I would do whatever it takes to get him on a path to his best life.

I hope things get better for him.

HB

Ed1937

HB, he lived on his own for several years, but we were always close by when he needed help, which was frequently. He does not know how to handle money, and I tried to help him set up a budget. I told him to take "X amount of dollars" (his disability income), and divide whatever he had left after paying bills by four, to determine approximately what he could spend each week for other things. He didn't know how to do that. He is bi polar, low I.Q., and other disorders. One of his problems is that he is high functioning, and people don't know he is disabled. He can't hold a job, and if I ask him to cut the grass, he leaves big patches uncut, thinking he is done. If he goes to the store, and pays with cash, he relies on the cashier to give him the right change. He suffers from paranoia, and thinks the whole family is trying to have him put in jail, or have his disability check taken away. I am the ONLY one in the family he trusts.

He just had tears in his eyes, telling me how much he misses his mother. Before dementia, he trusted her too. But he soon realized that with dementia, he couldn't count on her anymore.

Mint

I’m so sorry Ed.  Guessing your son wants to stay with you as he doesn’t want something to happen to you and lose you too.  There is hardly any mental health care available where I live even in the bigger city.

jfkoc

Lovely father...lovely son.

I think most everyone who lives alone need to have an "alert" plan in place. Perhaps shosing a system together would be sufficient for your son to get the medical treatment he needs.

Getting a system in place would not preclude you from a visit to your daughters house.

Why did you post? Because we are your friends!

Jo C.

Hello friend - this is a difficult situation and your relationship with your son is deeply touching.

It appears your son, in his sincere caring and thinking is trying to keep you safe when you are not with him at home. He truly fears for you and he loves you.   It is even more up front in his mind due to your recent loss of consciousness he feels you being at high risk.

It is imperative he obtains help for his condition as soon as possible; so this leaves you with putting his mind at ease whether you decide to use a few fiblets to get him to care, OR if you do go and spend a few days "vacation" at your daughters house while your son is being admitted.  You can, within a week return home and if your son finds out, you can tell him the doctor said it was okay to do that BECAUSE . . .

Because Ed; you are indeed going to the doctor.  "your time," nope; not going to use that old saw of an excuse.  You may have had a TIA or a blood pressure issue or a host of other things.  It is absolutely necessary and the right thing to get yourself to the doctor and get a host of labs done, a cardiac screen; perhaps wearing a monitor for a bit, and if a CT Scan is ordered, just do it.  Painless.  Don't know if you have diabetes and if you do how your numbers have been.  You may have something simple that cropped up that can be easily dealt with, but if left without being addresssed could lead to a more serious chronic outcome that was preventable.

You are far too intelligent to gloss this over; your family and your friends here would want you to take care and do what is right for your health and safety and it would also help your dear son who is trying his best under his own significant challenges.

Give your son a big hug and let him know how much you appreciate his help and help him get to his care needs and then on to yours.

Let us know how you are and how things are going; your friends here will be waiting to hear.  I have full confidence you will do what is best.

J.

harshedbuzz

Ed-

That does sound difficult. There's little grace or help for those with invisible disabilities. 

I hope he can get to a better mindset around your health and feel safe to take steps to help himself. 

HB

Mint

HB so sad, so true.

Ed1937

Thank you, friends. He didn't sleep too much last night, but he never does. First thing he said this morning was "Dad, I want you to go to live with Jennifer. I can't live like this". Reading between the lines, I think what he was telling me that he wants to commit suicide, but can't as long as I'm by myself. I had one son do that, and I don't want another. 

One of my daughters is in the hospital, and she told me she had a positive covid test. She was around both of us, so we went to be tested this morning. Both negative. But while we were in there with the NP, I told her Mike had other problems we wanted to talk about. He opens up easily to other people. He broke down in front of her, and long story short, she called an ambulance to transfer him to a nearby hospital that has a psychiatric floor. He has been there numerous times before, so they know him. He told me he does not want to leave the hospital, but I don't think they will keep him more than 3 or 4 days. At least it's a start.

Mint

Ed I’m so very sorry. Hope your son will be ok.

Twin Mom

Oh Ed, I am so sorry.  Is transferring to the state hospital directly an option?  It is such a positive that he knows he needs help....I just pray our very broken system can help.  I know our legal system is so broken...and it sounds like his past legal troubles are over....however, could you reach out to the original prosecutor who got him sent to the state hospital to see if they can help before something goes terribly wrong.

mommyandme (m&m)

Ed, I hope your son gets the help he needs and can access for a comfortable rest of his life.  

I also hope you get to the doctor for tests and possible fixes for whatever sent your blood pressure plummeting.  Don’t want you to suddenly disappear from our family here either. 

Ed1937

 

Thanks everyone.

Twin Mom wrote:

Is transferring to the state hospital directly an option? 

My guess is that it would not be. When he was court ordered, he spent 6 months in another hospital "holding pit" as I call it, until a bed came open for him, 250 miles from home.

He was tested again for covid in the hospital. Positive! I was told the hospital tests are more reliable than those at the doc's office. So I am more than likely positive too.

ImMaggieMae

Ed, I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s a positive that he realizes that he needs help but disturbing that our medical systems in this country are so inadequate in handling these types of situations long term. I wish I knew enough to have answers. It makes me angry that you’ve been through so much and now have to deal with this. Please take care of yourself.

dayn2nite2

I think, prior to the latest things happening, Nowhere's idea is the kindest and most efficient way of handling this.

When he is more stable, I think you need to tell him you've decided to move in with your daughter (of course she needs to be in on this) and he needs to make plans for the rest of his life away from you, once that is started you take a "vacation" to her house for a week or two and afterward return to your home.  Then, as far as he is concerned, you live with her.  This is the only way he will feel an ease of the burden of worry over you.

Quilting brings calm

Ed - what’s the latest on your son?  And how are you feeling now?

Another Day

Hi Ed, I sure hope both you and your son are OK. Keep us posted here, I'll keep you in my prayers. ~ Another Day ~

Ed1937

Thank you all! I didn't expect to see this thread up near the top. We're doing well now. Seroquel has been helping him sleep, and that has helped his mental outlook. He still has a way to go, but he's out of the woods now. It will probably take a little more time for the full effect of meds to kick in.

eaglemom

I'm glad to read that he'd doing well. But how are you doing Ed? The mental stress has to be such a heavy burden, on top of everything else your dealing with. I do believe that several of us are concerned for you.

eagle

Mint

Glad your son is getting out of the woods. I feel so sorry for those dealing with mental illness.

Jo C.

Hello Ed, I have been thinking of you and wondering how things have been doing. It is good to hear that your son has begun to feel some improvement and hope it continues on for him and he feels more at ease.

How have you been, Ed? So hope there has been no more loss of consciousness and that you are doing well. Would be optimal to see your doctor - your call. If there is something needing a bit of attention and easily treated, it could save a need for a more complex need in the future.

Also hoping your daughter is feeling better; and that she is recovering well from recently having COVID.

Take good care and let us know how it is all going.

J.

Ed1937

Thank you, Jo. We're all over the covid experience. Unfortunately, Mike is not doing well mentally. It is really hard to find the proper mental health treatment, but I think I might have found a good source for information. I reached out to the reporter who will do the piece(s) on dementia, and he just sent me several possibilities for me to check out today. I probably won't be on here much today because I'll be busy. Thanks again.

Jo C.

Good morning Ed, I am truly sorry to hear that Mike is having continued difficulty; I can imagine how challenging this is for the both of you and how he is suffering the effects of his illness. I so hope that the information you received leads him to a good source of ongoing help that will make a difference.

Is it insurance limitations that cause the difficulty finding adequate assistance, or is it that the geographic location does not have an adequate amount of good mental health choices? You are a very good researcher and I am sure you have been and are leaving no stone unturned.

As you have time, please let us know how you and Michael are doing; as always, you are in our thoughts and in our prayers.

J.

saltom

Ed, My DH was born with severe anxiety, OCD and depression so I had been dealing with that way before the Alzheimers and Lewy Bodies set in. One of my saving graces was a very active and advocating for mental health NAMI chapter in the community. I went through their Family-to-Family class and attended the monthly caregiver support groups. Do you have anything like that available for you? If so, they might have some solutions or just personal support that would help. I hope your son continues to feel better and you get some rest and peace and are able to take care of yourself.

Ed1937

Thank you, saltom. We do have a NAMI chapter not far from me. I called this morning, and left a message to please call me (I left my number). So far I have not heard from them. Mike is now in the hospital, in a psych unit. But I don't expect them to keep him more than 3 days or so. Hopefully I'll hear back from NAMI before he gets released.

How are you holding up? I know how hard it is.

saltom

Good Luck with Mike, Ed. I think I'm doing OK. Feeling rather numb many days and some crying jags and lots of "talking" to DH. Fortunately, I have the support of wonderful friends and family. Next week will be hard, DH would have been 90 on April 12. Thanks for asking.