Still feeling the loss

David J

I haven’t visited the forum in several months. I mainly visited the Spouse and Partner forum, but I no longer find it applicable.

 My wife died 6 months ago after 15+ years of struggle with EOD. The disease robbed her of her career, her marriage, her memories and finally her life. The time of our lives when we should have been enjoying the fruits of our hard work were spent struggling to keep our emotional heads above water. All of our hobbies and interests were given up years ago, so here I am nearing 70, no wife, no children, no active hobbies, and frankly, not much interest in doing anything. 

The last 16 years, my number one concern and job was taking care of her. When she went into MC 8 months before she died, I had more free time, but the worrying and work of managing her care continued. When she died, my days were suddenly empty. I have good, supportive friends and family, but it’s not the same. 

So here I am, feeling like I fell asleep in my early 50s and woke in my late 60s having lost all that time as well as losing my life partner. I don’t know who I am any more or where I start to rebuild my life. I am no longer the boy who fell in love with a beautiful girl 47 years ago. I am also not half of a successful working couple that I was 17 years ago. I am not sure what or who I am. 

Like others here, I want my old life back but can’t have it. It’s gone, and it’s hard to move on. 

LadyTexan

Hi David. I am glad you posted.

I have a lot of the same feelings. I lost my best friend and feel lost and hollow. I don't feel like I fit anywhere. 

I'm struggling to figure out what to do with myself. I left the workforce to care for DH in 2020. Since DH's death in April 2022, I am assisting my dad care for my mom who has Alzheimer's. I am glad I am able to assist them. I volunteer a few hours a week at a thrift store that helps to fund the local animal shelter. I try to exercise and eat better now, because I wasn't successful doing those things when I was a caregiver. 

I don't like my life the way it is now. Most things are very superficial. Having a routine helps me put one foot in front of the other. The rest of the world keeps spinning and some days I want to scream out loud. "Hey everybody! Alzheimer's robbed my husband of his career and his life and his amazing sprit! How can you all carry on when all is wrong?!"

I try to calm myself by verbalizing gratitude. I am grateful DH and I found our way to each other. I am grateful I was his wife. I am grateful he allowed me to share his life. I am grateful he is no longer suffering.

I try to find happiness in simple things like gardening. Or playing with my dog. It is not fun. I trudge on.

David J

Lady Texan-

Thanks for your response and I apologize for not immediately posting back. I signed back on and everything is different here!

I guess we both just need to keep going, trying to make a good life. I am having a Celebration of Life for her in May. I wasn’t able to put it together last fall, and didn’t want to do it over the winter. I am having it at a restaurant overlooking a mill pond and falls, and it will be indoor/outdoor with lunch. She would have liked the idea.

keep your chin up, find joy and comfort where you can.

David

Bholmes

David, I know how you feel in many ways. I lost my wife to EO Alzheimers and she died almost 3 years ago. The pain manifests itself still. It just erupts. I feel so lost sometimes as I took care of her for over 9 years and she died when she was just 66. I am now 59 and I still work and the reason is I need to, not that I want to. But I feel so "empty" in my life without her. We had no kids and it was me 24 hours a day for so long. Myself, I decided to move, both for monetary reasons and because being in the house we shared was so very painful without her. Moving was a good thing for me, but everybody has their own needs. I can only say try to find something that interests you. Maybe something you did before she was sick and took so much of your time. I wish you well.

It is very hard to lose someone. I know that for certain. It is about all I know it seems. I verbalize all the time I just want my Lydia back.

Rick4407

Yes, still feeling the loss. My first DW died after 34 years of marriage, she died very quickly. Took her to the ER in the morning as she was having difficulty catching her breath. Pulminary fibrosis the Dr said and sent her to a hospital for a surgical biopsy. She came out of surgery on a respirator and remained so until she died 10 days later. I was crushed and still miss her desperately. A year later I married my current wife, we worked on "making memories" doing her bucket list. That lasted for 7 years then the diagnosis of VD. The next 7 years have now been the slow loss of my second DW. My "office" is now decorated with the small things we accumulated during those marriages. Everywhere I look I see memories of those women and what were wonderful relationships. My current wife is in stage 7 with hospice visiting 2-3 times a week. I miss them both terribly now. I expect that will remain and the actual death of my current wife will only sharpen the pain. I hope I can shift to just remembering the happy times with both. Rick

Ed1937

Hi David. I'm sorry it is still so hard. But I think we all have that "empty feeling", and are trying to find ourselves. I'm older than the rest of you, so I didn't miss out on my 50s or 60s. But it still hurts badly.

rrjacobson

I lost my partner of 26 years last week, Memorial Day. His daughter, who was always very close to him, took over everything and we had the burial on Saturday. I could hardly talk for 3 days and so I let her. But I can't cry. I think it's because I was his sole caregiver for 5 years and was grieving his loss most of that time. As I was sitting by him one night, I did burst into tears and I wish I could do it again, to get the sadness out. But it comforts me to learn that we caregivers mourn in different ways. I am sorry to read here that the grief is lasting so long with many of you. I do not know my future.

mommyandme (m&m)

rrjacobson, so sorry for your loss too.