Making

Another Day

Dio

Heed your doctor's advice. Call 911 not after something tragic happens but before. I had to, 3x, and the police confirmed that I did the right thing. It was hard for sure, and even harder when they handcuffed him. But it was the only way to prevent him from hitting the police, which would have been worse than striking me. They were very considerate and had covered him with a jacket when escorting him away so that neighbors wouldn't see him being handcuffed. They took photos of my bruises and asked if I wanted to press charges. Of course, I said no. So they gave my DH a choice of going to the ER in their patrol car or an ambulance. My DH chose ambulance each time.

I don't know where you live, but do let the dispatcher know that your LO is suffering from dementia so that the police hopefully are trained to handle these situations. I was very fortunate that our police acted in the most respectful manner to both me and my DH. They de-escalated the situation and made sure we were both safe.

Quilting brings calm

I am glad that your doctor is responsive to your concerns and took the opportunity to address them.  That is very good news. 

If you wait until you are injured, you may be dead.   Or disabled for  life … and who would be his advocate then?   Am I remembering correctly that you have already  been injured?   Please heed your doctor’s advice for your safety, 

If you won’t do it for your safety, then do it because it will get him the care you need.  He has to be brought in as a danger to himself or others to be admitted even in the instance that he refuses care.   It will get him the medication he needs and a place that is safe for both of you.  

There are many in this forum that have waited too long and others that had to make that call before they were injured.  M1 was threatened with a knife.  Another poster  had to stop her loved one before he set himself on fire.   The dangers are real.   

Ed1937

If you should see this coming, please remember that he grabbed you by the throat, and slammed you into a wall. The next time it might not be a matter of how long it takes to heal.

jfkoc

Doing nothing helps no one.....

M1

Another Day:  sounds like your doc confirmed what you have been told here and I'm glad.   I am glad that he heard you.  When I took my partner in, our doctor said the same thing; he basically told me I couldn't take care of her at home any more.  And sent her straight to the ER from his office.  Our "excuse" for the ER was that her blood pressure was high, which was true, and which she bought.  She hasn't been home since and likely won't be, unless/until she is bedridden on hospice.   A year later she has no memory of these events and absolutely no insight into where she is (other than not at home) or why she is there.  

I agree that you should not wait for another incident.  It is going to take hospitalization against his will to get anything accomplished.  Sad but true.  I am still living with the fallout of that a year later.  None of it has gone as I would have wished.

You might be able to avoid the handcuffs if you can get him to the doctor's office and then sent to the ER from there.  That's what worked here.  

M1

AD I wouldn't worry about what the neighbors can see, trying to avoid the handcuffs is about trying to avoid a stressful situation that is going to trigger defiance and desperation in him.  I can virtually guarantee you that he won't know/appreciate what he is being evaluated for if you get him to the ER, which is likely what is going to have to happen.  I don't think you still have your mind around the fact that you are going to have to do this without his consent/cooperation.  Understandable, but still.

If you haven't done it, you may want to research the locations of geriatric psychiatry units close to you.  This is what he is going to need.  Find out where they are, and if necessary, which ones accept your insurance.  You don't want to be going through a fire drill on that front too if it can be avoided.  We had a choice of two, and it was a flip of the coin.  But at least we knew what the choices were ahead of time.   The actual admission once we left the doctor's office required another 8-10 hours in the emergency room.   So don't jump for joy just yet.  Knowledge will be power when the time comes though.  

M1

I fully understand the feelings about betrayal, but you have to move past that.  It is sadly part of the change in your relationship, he is no longer an equal partner but needs you to act in his best interest.  I think you have to look at it in that light.  If he murders you or even hurts you unintentionally (or God forbid, anyone else), how would he fare in the justice system?  not pretty.  This is in fact the best you can do for him.

Ed1937

Another Day wrote:

It feels like I'm gearing up to betray him somehow.

I don't remember exactly what it was you said, but I think it was something along the lines of "I didn't call 911 because I love him so much". No doubt he is the love of your life, but you have to think differently if you really love him. He came close to really putting you out of commission for a long time. It's not his fault. If he did that, who is going to take care of him? So calling 911 or having him put into a facility where he will have better care than you can give him is actually protecting him. You would not be betraying him or doing anything to him. You would be doing something for him. That's what you do when you love somebody. Making the hard calls is what you have to do because he can't do that. It's not easy. That's why they're called hard calls. Let that sink in.