Calls 10 times a day and asks if I’m visiting

Anonymousjpl123

I don’t want to take her phone (we’re not there yet). I just can’t take calls while at work and even when I tell her I can’t talk, she will call again and again and again until I pick up and say “I’m so sorry but I’m busy and can’t talk.” She’s in an AL/MC facility but is lonely between meals. 

She also asks every day if I’m visiting. 

I pray I am not an ogre. I hate getting frustrated and try not to show it. Any advice?

MrsAnnabelLee

I’m sorry to say this but…you are there. To her, she’s only calling you one time. She has no idea about the other calls. The phone is like a physical reminder “call that person.” She may not be as lonely as you think. I was fortunate to have a hired companion help my mom make the transition to MC. She would call me a dozen times a day saying how unhappy she was, but his photos and anecdotes showed that she was engaged and happy until she went in her room, saw the phone, and was reminded to call and complain. At around this same time she was losing the ability to distinguish btw contacts and would text former coworkers asking them to bring her things including new underwear thinking she was talking to me. She would have been mortified if she knew. The phone becomes more distressing than helpful quicker than you can imagine. Look into a divice called the GrandPad. We used that for a while after the phone was gone.

GothicGremlin

My experience is similar to MrsAnnabelLee. My sister called me 31 times one day. 31. I didn't pick up all of those times, but just knowing that she had called was a stresser for me.

So yeah, it's probably time for you to take the phone. What I did was to tell my sister that her phone needed to be repaired and that I needed to take it to the Apple store. She was fine handing it over, and that was the end of that. Once it was out of sight, it was out of mind.

harshedbuzz

Anon-

You are not an orge. Far from it.

It sounds like it's time to take the phone away. It's a triggering for her, upsetting for you, and is disruptive for you both.

If you aren't "there yet", perhaps you could reprogram her phone to call you at a burner phone on which you record a personalized calming message while keeping the ringer off. 

Another piece to this is whether the facility is serving her needs at this point. At dad's MCF, there was something to do from early morning until about 9pm with a one-hour siesta after lunch. Perhaps you could work with staff for her to be escorted to activities; dad's facility was great about this and would even close the doors to the suites in order to keep residents from spending all day alone in their rooms.

If they don't offer much in the way of activities, would it be possible to hire a companion-aide to visit a few times a week for social interaction? A number of residents at dad's MCF had outside aides visit a few days a week.

HB

Anonymousjpl123

Wow thank you everyone for your kind responses.

AnnabelleLee yes - having a hard time distinguishing contacts was definitely a.my issue! Fortunately I was able to remove all contacts that are not immediate/close friends so that helps a lot. For that exact reason. I would hate for her to get into a situation like that (and can so easily see it happening). 

Gothic - I like that idea. I have found that posting here, I get the answer I need (time to take the phone away) and slowly work up to doing it. It’s so hard to see her life getting smaller but I do 100% know that is not because of me. Also, thankfully, she is actually happy where she is. She loves that they look out for her, she doesn’t have to worry about medications (they manage them), that they check on her if she misses a meal. So she is happy. She just forgets things like when I talked to her today, and said I was coming over, she said “Do you know where I am, and how to get here?” 

Harshedbuzz I LOVE the burner idea! Brilliant.   Re: activities. Her place has 1 zillion activities - something happening at all times - but so far she has shown no interest. I got her to go to a movie once and she liked it, but she said she’s not interested. Sometimes after meals she and her friends will sit in the lobby area and chat for a couple of hours, which is amazing. But even things I was sure she would love she hasn’t wanted to do. The staff are good so I will definitely talk with the resident life director. She may need some encouragement to feel comfortable.

It’s just hard (maybe more for me than her) that she never remembers when I visited last (or sometimes if I’ve even been to her apt), and those calls 1 hour after we speak like it never happened. I know now it’s about keeping her engaged and comfortable. Thank god she’s relatively happy. It just takes getting used to for me. Thanks everyone.