What decisions can mom still make?

H1235

Mom was diagnosed with dementia. We went to a lawyer who was very good at explaining what should be done in very clear simple terms. I was appointed durable power of attorney financial and my brother and I for medical. Since the lawyer allowed her to sign these papers my brother now believes she is still able to make all decisions for herself. She is a hoarder and her  house is in bad shape. She now lives with my brother. He brings her to the house whenever she wants and she gets upset because I’ve cleaned. The house has food and candy everywhere.  Lawyer said to do home repairs in an effort to spend down for Medicaid,  but my brother wants mom to approve everything I do. Her memory is not good but the biggest problem is executive functioning.

Quilting brings calm

I realize you are trying to keep peace with your brother especially since she lives with him.  You are the one that is legally able to make decisions for her.   legally he has no say in financial decisions.  He can’t countermand what you decide.  that’s what the legal and financial POA is all about.  Be aware that your mom is legally able to make decisions also until she is declared incompetent.  She could revoke your POA, or reverse a decision you have made on her behalf.   Until and unless that happens, you are able to make decisions on her behalf.    You should call the lawyer  back and ask him what you need to do about competency when the time comes 

Now, if your brother is listed on her bank account - that is a problem because he could withdraw her money leaving you financially unable to pay her bills. He could also undermine you by persuading her to revoke her POA and appoint him instead.  

CanyonGal

I agree with Quilting Brings Calm - as DPOA you hold the financial power, but it is a balancing act as any of the documents can be changed or torn up. I tried to include my mother in every financial decision and presented it as a partnership. If a medical decision was low key, I would let her handle it. (She could go to the dentist, get a flu shot, etc.)

Siblings who don't work with you can be an issue. There are all sorts of family dynamics that show up when a parent has dementia - sibling rivalry, sibling alienation. I have been there.  

Eventually, medical personnel said she was unable to make any of the health or financial decisions and I had to make many tough decisions that were in her best interest.  

    

H1235

She is not able to make sound financial decisions. Or sound decisions about the up keep on her house. If she doesn’t want to spend the money on a new storm door even though the front door is going to start rotting do we just leave it.  Trying to convince her and get her to understand is useless.  A partnership sounds nice but she wants to call all the shots and they are not rational.

CanyonGal

I have been there on the house too. Putting a fence up for the dog, finally had it done when she was in rehab and she loved it afterwards. Remodeling of her bathroom, handicap accessible features. She had the money but would rather give it to fraudulent organizations. 

I reorganized her money, most into a savings account but left enough in a checking account for her beauty shop trips, snacks, and a new shirt or pants. I used the excuse that if anyone ever stole her purse they could not get access to her savings. 

When we moved her to memory care though, I had to remove the checks and credit cards. She wants to get a job now so she can have cash, and her own apartment, and wants a car to drive around. I feel guilty, sad, disheartened, each time she loses more of her cognitive abilities. 

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Smilescountry

This is a difficult situation, and you have already received some good advice.  Both my parents have dementia, Dad with Alzheimer's and Mom with an undiagnosed cognitive decline.  Because they wanted to stay together and Mom could not take care of Dad, they are both in assisted living now.  However, as POA and HCR, I walked on egg shells before they transitioned to assisted living, fearful that they would remove me.  Early on, I worked with my sisters, but they didn't always agree with me on care needs.  In addition to meeting with the lawyer (Dad was found incompetent to sign a new will, but Mom was competent.), I set up a phone interview with both my parents and myself with the SSA so that I could be appointed the Representative Payee.  To do that, their doctor had to fill out forms saying that they were no longer competent to take care of their own finances.  Then, a local representative of Social Security talked to the three of us on the phone.  Permission was granted, so that helps with some of the decision making.  My sisters are separate but equal DPOAs for my mother, and I am the DPOA for my father.  I am currently getting letters from my parents' doctor that I can use for financial institutions that verifies that neither can make their own financial decisions and that Dad is not able to make any decisions on his own.  The doctor is very willing to help because I was able to give him specific instances of them needing assistance with important decisions, especially with finances.  The SSA form asks the doctor how he makes his decision, and asking family members for information is one of the doctor's choices.  I would recommend talking to the lawyer and the doctor.  Everything that you can put in place will help.  The lawyer can also help you set up a guardianship, if needed, but that can be costly.

harshedbuzz

Chug-

It isn't clear cut. This is especially true given that you haven't fleshed out the stage of dementia in which she finds herself.

Broadly speaking, she is likely in that nether region of competence. It's sort of like an adolescent-- a judge might consider their point of view on custody in a divorce hearing, but they wouldn't allow them to enter a contract or stay home alone for a week. At a certain point, decisions need to be limited to "do you want ice cream or some pudding for dessert?".

A DPOA is not just permission to act for your mother-- it is also an obligation. That said, you have a duty, as DPOA, to preserve her assets responsibly. As her general DPOA your job is to protect her health and safety. If APS were called in and your mom's house was falling apart and a fire trap filled with trash and filth, you would be held accountable. Perhaps the lawyer who drafted these could explain that.

HB