What to do: working mom with 1 year old baby, family member with suspected dementia

blueavian

Hi everyone, I'm new to this caregiver journey and looking for a place to share my story and any advice/words appreciated. 

I am a working mom with 1 year old baby. Recently, my husband and I came to suspect my mother-in-law to have dementia/Alzheimer's. I only learnt about this recently, but apparently for the past year plus, she has been suspecting someone to break into her home and poison her. Most of the time she thinks it's me. But yeah, it's not. Hubby is trying to shield me from stress, but since learning about this, I have been very stressed out on top of dealing with new working parent life with no family support/outside help. 

My husband has tried for a year to reason with her and show her evidence. But it's not working. She is demanding to have household objects sent for poison lab tests. But I have no idea how much it costs, nor do I think we have the financial means to do so, assuming it's costly. Plus, I don't think a lab test will convince her (when hubby tried to reason with her in the past, she would always insist things are not as simple as they seem, or there is some hidden fact/someone is trying to trick her). It will probably only buy us some time while we try to get her to see a doctor, which is the other problem, she is on Medicaid and as a new patient, the wait is long.

As someone new to this situation, the best thing I can think for all of us is to get her to a doctor ASAP. My husband is growing increasingly stressed because of constant stories from his mom. The other day, he got to the point of suggesting that we send things for lab test as she requested. I think he is so tired of trying to futilely convince/appease her, that he is being irrational/worn out. 

Wise community, what would you do in this case? Do you know about any doctor in the San Jose/South Bay area who can see a new patient quickly? We went to an emergency clinic, who gave us initial clues for dementia, but they will not take her unless she exhibits signs of hurting herself/someone else. Mother-in-law is divorced so we are her only family. Right now in good physical condition but not sure how things will evolve. The only person she trusts to some degree is my husband. I try to avoid contact with her to not trigger her, but it's tough living with her accusations and wild things she says about me/my baby.  

M1

Welcome to the forum, but I am so sorry.  Maybe it would help to see if your husband would be willing to read threads on this forum, it is by far the best place to learn about dementia and practical tips for dealing.

You are correct that she needs to be evaluated medically to be sure there is nothing treatable that can cause dementia-like symptoms (this generally means blood tests for things like thryoid problems and B12 deficiency).  But if she is having delusions and paranoia, she is having psychosis-type symptoms that could be dementia-related but could also be a sign of some other mental illness.  She may require admission to a psychiatric unit; be prepared for this.  Those symptoms wiill not respond to reason, and one tip:  your husband should quit trying to reason with her, it will just frustrate both of them.  You are correct that appeasing her by testing things won't help.   It also raises the question of whether she is safe living by herself.  Your husband might be able to get her to an ER for medical/psychiatric evaluation by telling her they are going to test her for poisons.  If she has threatened you at all, then that is a reason for involuntary admission.  

Very important:  does your husband--or anyone--have power of attorney for her?  This is going to matter enormously.  If he does not, you need to find a certified elder law attorney (look at nelf.org) and talk about the process--if she is too paranoid to consent, you may have to pursue guardianship.  

There is an Alzheimer's help line. 1-800-272-3900.  they may also be useful, and/or your local council on Aging.  

Good luck.  You and your child have needs and rights, too.  This is hard on families everywhere.  

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

terei

You have to get her to a doctor. Tell her that you want to send her blood in for testing to make sure if she is or is not being poisoned.  Obviously, you have to go to the doctor to do that.   I would make an appointment with a doctor who has the information about her delusions, etc + that you want her evaluated for dementia + why she thinks she is there.

Tell her you have researched the issue, + a blood test is the only way.   Make sure the doctor has a letter in advance that explains the circumstances + bring a copy with you in case it falls between the cracks.

Sit behind her at the appointment so when she answers questions from the doctor, you can signal yes or no on the veracity of her answers.  

Til you get her to a doctor, the best tack to take is to agree with her that her situation IS concerning + you are contacting the proper authorities + you will get the the bottom of it!

jfkoc

You are fortunate to have some outstanding options near you.

This is where I would start. Great web site for you and your husband to spend some serious time reading.

https://www.ucsfhealth.org/clinics/memory-and-aging-center

Ed1937

You have excellent replies above. I just want to reinforce the fact that reasoning and/or showing proof will NOT work. She actually probably has anosognosia, which is the inability for the person to realize they have anything wrong with them. It is not denial. They simply don't have the ability to know anything is wrong. This is common with dementia.

M1's suggestion to have him read the forum posts is an excellent bit of advice. Hopefully he will take the time to do that. The more you know about dementia, the easier it will be.

Every reply above is information that you need. Please read them more than once. I'm sorry you are facing this. Once you understand more about what is happening (follow Victoria's link), you will better be able to live with the comments about you. You can learn a lot in a short time.

blueavian

Hi everyone, thanks for all your helpful responses. It means a lot to me and my family as we stumble to navigate (both from practical and emotional perspectives). I don’t get a lot of free time these days, so reply may be slow. But I have eagerly read all your responses several times, and shared with my husband as well.  

Here is my plan based on all of your inputs:  

1. Continue getting to a doctor as soon as possible, starting with the General Practitioner to rule out any non-dementia/treatable causes. 
    
   
2. In parallel, continue to seek out/make appointments with specialist clinics. 
    
   
3. Educate myself with dementia
    
   
4. When interacting with my mother-in-law, stop trying to reason with her and go along with her stories. Focus on keeping her calm and assured. (Thanks for the creative ideas about stickers and stud finder! Don’t know if she will buy it at this stage, but could be helpful later on)
   
   

Some follow up questions:    

1. Power of attorney. Luckily, she is not resisting to see a doctor about her mental conditions. So it seems like she is cooperating in general and a power of attorney may not be needed immediately. However, if she were to change her attitude all of sudden, I don't want to be caught waiting  months for all the legal procedures. Does anyone know how long it takes to get a power of attorney in general? 
   
   
2. Since I am the antagonist in her imagination. How much should I be concerned about my own safety? How often do individuals with dementia hurt those THEY think are doing them harm? 
   
3. I know we talked about not trying to use reason. But if I were to swear to her that I never did any of the things she believes, can I have any hopes of convincing her? She may still believe someone else is trying to get her, but at least this may help with our relationship (I know I'm prob being naive here but just wanted to ask?)

Lastly, thanks for 1) all of your notes/reminders about things to check for and expect, and 2) resources/clinics/links. Very much appreciated. Thank you! 

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

jfkoc

Sounds like a plan.

Re #3...her reality is not your reality and will never be.

mommyandme (m&m)

As we age, we should all appoint a power of attorney, dementia or not.  Whether you need the POAs now or later, I encourage your husband to get them done asap.  My mom got hers done years before her diagnosis and it was such a gift to my brother and I. All her legal paperwork and financial planning was in order.  She learned from taking care of her own elderly mom (who did not have dementia) that those things were necessary for all of us to move toward a smooth transition for her end of life care, if needed.  Boy, did we need it. 

I’m so sorry that you and yours may possibly take this journey. IMO you’ve found the best support group, welcome. 

blueavian

Thanks for all the kind words, help to get empathy for those with dementia, and words of advice for POA. 

Stumbling upon a community like this makes my unbelievably happy in amidst of an incredibly hard life event. Very grateful for this community.