What Alzheimers leaves

toolbeltexpert

This is a piece of paper it looks blank but if you look in the middle you'll see a mark going down the page. That is the mark that my dw made with a ball point pen when she got super frustrated. She would bear down with all her might and gouge the note book. It usually ruined the pen and the note book. I needed some paper to write some notes yesterday and came across this. I can still feel her frustrations, see her anger feel the helplessness. Now all that is left is the mark that Alzheimers made on my life and hers. Blank pages just pain over the loss,tears that cloud my eyes as I try to wrote. Wondering how deep this will go,throwing the paper away may erase that, but it is forever etched in my heart how helplessness Alzheimers can make us in moments we can not fix.

Sorry this isn't a cheery post. My house is almost empty, I close this Friday and leave behind 30 years of memories. This is one that I want to leave behind. I hate Alzheimers.

M1

Hope the closing and move go well Stewart.  Poignant picture.  You are right, not an easy way to start a new chapter in your life.

Denise1847

Dear Toolbelt Expert,

I pray the pain and emptiness pass as you start a new chapter of your life.   I survive by the mantra "one day at a time."  I no longer look back to the past as it is too painful because one compares what we had to what is now.  For me it is only self-destructive.   I try not to look at others' happy, healthy lives and compare as it is only self-destructive.  The only thing I can do is make today as good as I can such as bringing me some peace or joy.  

You are still alive and can take one day at a time and one step at a time.   You have a gift for writing and maybe you could write a short story that could help others.  Take care and move forward.

RCT

Your post touched me deeply…I pray that your move goes well and that you can heal!

Another Day

I could feel your pain through your writing. You do have a way with words. I'm so sorry for what all you've been through and are currently going through. I will be praying for you.  ~ In His Love ~

Ed1937

How could a piece of paper like that say so much? Yet it does! I'm sorry it's so darn hard.

Big Hat

Thank you for sharing that!  Wow it hurt, but so true how the feeling of disappearing is right there in a simple picture.

Hoot619

Your doing all the right things just to be near your wife. Your showing us what Love is. I hope your new place can be a good place for all the memories of the old place. The good memories of the past keep me going.

macamaw61

Praying for your peace!  Your post brought me to tears.

saltom

You have my deepest wishes for a peaceful happy life from now on.  You deserve it.

F&E

Hi toolbelt I share your pain, hope for the best possible and HATE alz. May God help us all thank you for your post

Joydean

Steward hoping and praying for smooth and uneventful move. I know you are going to miss your beautiful place, but a home is what you make. Blessing for a new beginning. No more long daily drives. Enjoy your new home.

danapuppy

How profound the scriptural reference is to Ecclesiastes 3, there is a time for everything. Verse 4 is particularly insightful, "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance...(6) a time to seek and a time to lose, a time to keep and a time to discard; a time to tear apart and a time to mend."

God, Almighty creator of all things, Your glory is unimaginable, thank You for Your grace. God this disease is cruel, I come to You asking that Your glory shine on Stewart, give him peace and comfort. Hold him in Your grasp. Give rest from his toils and tribulations and mend his heart. As Your will be done, in the name of Your son Jesus Christ, Amen.

God bless you Stewart.

toolbeltexpert

Thanks for all your prayers,closings went well. I am reversing the process from storage to the new house. I have decided to minimize even more, if it doesn't fit the intended purpose it's gonna be history. 

All the triggers from the old home are also gone, that has been helpful that they are no longer in sight. Looking forward to meeting new neighbors. I was unloading my car at the new home on the day of closing as a car went by,it was early and the car backed up and rolled its window down and a woman asked if I had bought the house I replied I was in a couple hours, she said welcome to the neighborhood. I walked over and exchanged names. She is a nurse in a town nearby.  It's weird being the new kid on the block, lots of cars slow down and look,some almost stop as I look out the living room window. 

Dana the devotion book just happened to get into the picture but the verse that says a time to keep and a time to throw away spoke to me on several levels. Not just the stuff but the "time to throw away" if you know what I mean.

My morning commute was 12 minutes this morning. Dw is needing more help each day getting dressed, the slow slow progression of this disease, seeing her being dressed by someone else hit home. When I do it it's just another thing,but seeing someone else do it brought it to reality.

Ed1937

Stewart, I'm glad things seem to be going well with the move for you. But I'm sorry you can't simply leave dementia behind. Hopefully being closer to her will make it a little easier now.

Nowhere

Tool belt- your wife’s paper mark in combination with your remarks are poignant. She is a poet and this her canvas. She has expressed and captured the ravages of AD and you have transcribed it beautifully, albeit tragically. Tears streaming here, too, as her paper and your post describes the experience, frustration, love, and loss we all feel. Thank you for sharing. Wishing you moments of joy in your new home.

Sherry LD

Wow! Hurts my heart to see that! Praying for healing for you! I haven’t gotten to that point yet but definitely scary.