Father wants to return to former residence

eelohm

My now 96 yo father has dementia and is in a progressive decline. After a safety issue in his former residence in May, 2022, my siblings and I encouraged him to move into AL. He agreed. That was in October, 2022. About two weeks after we moved him in, he began to call everyone, wanting to get the movers back, to take him "home."

We all agreed (my sister, brother and I) that taking him back "home" was not an option. Any phone calls we got from him, went into voice mail. When we called him back later, he had usually forgotten about going "home." 

About the time of his 96th birthday, almost six months later, he's been on a tear about his demands for leaving the AL facility. His dementia has grown worse. He doesn't remember how many children he has, how long he was married to my mother before she died in 2004 or that my other brother died of ALZ back in 2018. He thinks he has been in AL for "years." 

We are concerned that telling him our initial plans to have my brother move into the house have changed. We have spent the last six months or so, clearing out his "treasures" (organized hoarder.) We have an offer for the house, which we accepted. Do we tell him the house and his "treasures" are gone? Or do we keep ignoring his requests to at least go back and view the house where he had lived for over 40 years? Any insights from anyone else going through this will be appreciated!

terei

This is a perfect time to use what the board calls ‘fiblets’.  Do not try to reason with him or ‘explain’ why he cant go home.  He does not have the capability of making reasoned decisions. Do not tell him you are selling the house.

Here is an example ‘Oh, dad, I understand you are anxious to get home! Sadly, a pipe broke in the kitchen + flooded the house.  A plumber + contractor are working to get the problem solved, but it is taking time because of delays for materials.   We know you’d like to go back, so we are working hard to get it done for you!’ rinse + repeat.      If you do not want to use that excuse, you can always use ‘ We completely understand! The doctor, however, says to you have to stay here until you are stronger! There is nothing we can do!  The doctor insists!’.  

Or use both those excuses.  Say whatever you think will satisfy him + keep him calm.  At some point, he will forget the whole idea, believe me.

eelohm

Thank you! We will work on that and update if this is working with him!

SusanB-dil

terei is spot on again.  Do not tell him about the house and the 'treasures'. Do use the fiblets terei suggested. I like 'a pipe broke'. That worked well for someone else on the forum not too long ago.

towhee

Since he has been in AL for 6 months and his dementia has progressed, there is a very good chance that even if you took him home he would not recognize it as home. Often they simply want to go back to where they were "all right" and that might not be a physical location at all. Tell him what will give him the most comfort.

(If this is a sudden change in behavior, check for a physical problem)