What is a friend?

Ed1937

We all know how friends seem to disappear when dementia hits. But what are friends? At my age, just about all of my friends have moved away or they died. There was a young couple who moved into the house behind ours, back around 1973. They are still there, while I have moved 3 times since then. Occasionally I will run into them. We're still in the same small town. I always shake his hand and give his wife a big hug. Then we'll talk for some time, and enjoy each other's company, possibly over lunch. There is no doubt in my mind that if I needed something, I could call them. So I've known them for 50 years, and although we never really "hung out" together, I consider them friends. I also have good neighbor friends.

Then we get to families who disappear. Do we write them off, or do we interact more with them when our job here is over? I was extremely lucky in that our family fully supported me, and they were fully ready to pick up a more normal life with me after my wife passed, even though they never became distant when I was caring for my wife (their mother, grandmother). Now it's just "Let's have a cookout, let's go fishing, or let's go to a ballgame, etc."

So it's my opinion that although friends and family may distance themselves when we're in the throes of caregiving, we should (usually) try to live the same type of lifestyle with them as we did before. I guess I don't really have a question - just thoughts. Maybe I'll just delete this thread.

Jgirl57

I like your thoughts. Thank you for sharing.

M1

Don't delete, its a big issue. I'm very aware that i haven't been much of a friend to my local community in the past year. A neighbor called me last weekend about whether he could buy a dog kennel we weren't using. I was thrilled to just give it to him, and he was thrilled too. Felt really good to get out of my own sadness and do something for someone else. Hope more things like that come along. I don't have much energy to seek them out.

Quilting brings calm

There is a famous quote that goes like this: People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  So you bond over a shared activity or purpose, a section of time such as high school, or long-term.   I don’t know that it’s totally accurate, but it points to a lot of friendships.  

There are disruptions to that, though.  Stressful times lead to fractured friendships. Alcoholic families lead to people who grow up avoiding friendships. After all, what kid brings friends home to see the dysfunction?   Bringing this back to us: Caregivers just don’t have the time or energy to devote to maintaining  friendships- and as we all know, people  don’t find the time or energy to maintain friendships with a caregiver or a sick person either.

My final thought on that is that it’s okay to pick up those friendships again afterwards if you want to- and it’s okay to decide not to because you don’t want to.    After all- who knows what stresses they were going through at the same time you were going through your stresses.  Stress changes people, and maybe the reason or season for the friendship is now gone, 

I think I’m just thinking out loud here. 

White Crane

Please don’t delete this thread, Ed. I think it’s an important topic. Some friends have distanced themselves  from us over the last few years. Others, though few, have drawn closer. Sometimes I feel sad, and even guilty that I haven’t called to check on some friends. It seems like caregiving takes up all of my time. When someone reaches out to me, I’m always thrilled and very touched.  The thought has occurred to me that when an if my caregiving days come to an end, I will invite those friends who stay close to come over one by one, so I can thank them.

Kenzie56

Don't delete, Ed.  I think many of us ponder the same question.  I watched Tom Hank's new movie the other day (Otto) and really enjoyed it.  It gave me perspective on friendships that weave their way through our lives at different times. I like the quote that Quilting shared: People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

mommafour

Ed - I feel this is an important subject.  I miss the days when DH and I had a great group of friends and regular contact with our neighbors.  Unfortunately, as his condition worsened, DH started pushing them away.  They are all aware of his Alzheimer's diagnosis.  I do keep in contact with a few of them on social media and eventually hope to resume our closer friendship when, as you said, "our job here is over". I'm so thankful that our kids are here for us but it's still a lonely life.

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Arrowhead

I have been blessed. Neither family nor friends have deserted me. Some friends have already been through this, but most have not. Either way, they are always there when I need them. I feel for the rest of you and hope you find strength in other ways.