Intro - I'm new to all this

SuddenlyCaregiving

Hi and thank you for being here! Apologies in advance for being lengthy.

My dad was diagnosed at some point before Covid. I'd had my suspicions but it wasn't a topic my mom would talk about. I live several hours away and there has been some estrangement over the years. And my parents, especially mom, keeps every bit of information very private.

She has been dad's caregiver and pretty much refused to have anyone visit during Covid. During that time my dad really went downhill. Last week she broke her leg and is in a full cast. My adult son is the only family member close so dad and mom are staying with him and I've driven down to help with their needs.

There is so much I want ask but the saddest thing I'm dealing with (and I know it can and will eventually get worse) is that most of the time my dad thinks my mom is his mom.  He thinks he is 21 (so obviously the 89 year old woman beside him can't be his wife!) He thinks I'm the sister no one ever told him about.  And, the worst part is that he "needs" to get home to his wife and kids.  

My mom keeps trying to explain to him that she is his wife and he insists that she's not.  He want's me make sure that if his wife comes I keep them apart because she and his mom don't get along (they really didn't!) 

We don't know how to comfort him.  

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SuddenlyCaregiving

Thank you, Hoping4!

Mom was given a book early on about caring for a spouse with dementia. I probably should try to find it and read it too since she may be picking and choosing what she wants from it. I know everything I've read says not to force reality on them.  

Yes, my stay here is temporary, although it's beginning to look like it will not end soon.  I've only been here a week and miss my husband something awful.  My grandkids are old enough to understand that this is a necessary arrangement for now but it's hard on them too.  My son and daughter-in-law are an amazing blessing and have taken charge of so much.  They are dealing with the financial questions and the steps necessary to get mom and dad's house prepared for them to return there when (if) mom is able to care for them both again.  

I'm fortunate to be able to work remotely so that is helping to keep me occupied but still able to be in the room with them in case they need something. I just needed a place where I could vent and am glad to have found this space.  I hope I can give back at least a portion of what I know I will receive here.  

SusanB-dil

Hello SuddenlyCaregiving - Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.  Don't worry - you weren't lengthy.

Hoping4Endurance is correct with the Teepa Snow videos.  Also the book 'The 36-hour Day' may be what you are thinking of. Do NOT try to reason with your dad. It will only get both of you frustrated. 

Fiblets are usually the way to go.  "The wife and kids will be back from shopping/camping/vacation soon (or a day or two)"  or whatever works and repeat as necessary. "So you are just here (for now) visiting with us while they're out". "Yes, we will make sure they (wife and mom) don't run into each other."  Distract - would you like to help with this puzzle, have a sandwich, fold the wash...

There have been some folks who see themselves in a mirror and think someone else (an older person) is in the room with them.  And yes, I can relate - my mom thinks I am her sister.  My brother put the pics and numbers for just a very few people on her phone, so she hits mine and thinks it is her sister. I can often sense mood on the phone and can either mildly correct 'oh, you called Susan' or if not, I just go with the flow.  MIL cannot quite place who I am any longer. She was more familiar with DH first wife, who passed in 2000. So then who is 'this' person in my life?!!  Mom has maintained a fairly good demeanor.  MIL, not so much. We just go with the flow and say what may work at the time. 'I've brought groceries' or 'Let's finish the wash.'