This is it

FloydSnax

I started on this site with a post called: I Can't Give Up. I have her dressed and with a little suitcase packed by the front door. Not much of a plan except taking her to the E.R and running away. Or finding the closest Geriatric Psych Ward and doing the same. Leave all the information on a sheet of paper taped to her back. I'm sorry. Thats supposed to be a joke but I'm far from laughing. It's like I don't wanna think about what I'm doing...how? But I can't help her anymore. 

My super unsupportive sister and niece have just called. When I had to undertake this horrible endeavor ALONE, all I asked was, when the time comes, please take over. I want to know nothing at that point. So, maybe they got something worked out. We'll see. I feel like sh--. I feel as if I failed her. God I hate this physical feeling. I can't see the screen on my computer because my eyes are filled with fluid now. And the throat! Why does it feel like its shrunk so much you can't swallow. Face burning as if steam is rising off my head. But these are all symptoms of keeping it in. Fighting the pain back. The alternative is scarier to me. If I let the pain get me, I don't know how far it'll take me.

My eyes have dried up and I can see the screen again. It doesn't help that she keeps popping in my room every 2 minutes and some of the times, she's so cute and loving. But most of the time, she's manic and asking where is the girl? Last two nights have been horrible. Haven't slept. And half of the time, I haven't handled it so well. "I don't know where these people are! We live here alone!" Just making it worse. Is this the line in the sand? Because she keeps me up all night? Is that the point where I give up? Then I am a dick. And I am wrong for sending her away. I don't care about my physical or mental well-being. It's not about me! Right? Right.

Then my other half says she's way beyond my help. How can that ever be true? We endure what we have to. Or I do. She's my mom. And I can't see the screen again. Only now the fluid is coming out of my nose too. Sorry, maybe I'm sharing too much. Nothing is going to be the same. Now we're both gonna be alone. I really can't think about this anymore or I'll jump off the DELETED roof! But is she even she? She looks like my mom but it's an illusion. She hasn't been in there for years. But I've seen bits and pieces...I'm gonna drive myself crazy! And it hurts and I can't imagine not being with her every day. The tears have been constant now. 

There is a teeny tiny part of me that barely welcomes this. The part of me that was gonna walk into her bedroom one morning and find her lifeless. That part of me is having a parade somewhere!! Lucky bastard. I need to find this parade. A.SA.P. 

But there's still a storm coming. I don't know what's going to happen and it saddens me that this might be the last time I post here. You people have helped me more than you will ever know. I feel sorry for all of us. This game is hard enough without having to deal with this. It's not fair.

loveskitties

Every caregiver has their limits...no shame...no regrets...you did the best you could in a horrible situation.

Your obligation (if you want to call it that) is to see to her safety and well being.  If that means she much live elsewhere with others caring for her, so be it.

There are many here who have placed their LO, or who have lost their LO due to this disease and they still come back to read and post.  Hope you will too.

Wishing you both better days.

oehlsena

As a loved one declines they require even more and more attention and time from the ones they love. Often what they need is far more than what we can provide for them alone. Don't feel bad, feel glad that you know your limits and you know that it is time! Everything about this disease is unnatural. .  .

SusanB-dil

FloydSnax - you need to give yourself a lot more credit. You've done so much, that a lot, if not most, other people would not. Enough is enough, though, and you do need to take care of you.  You have NOT failed her.  and you cannot let yourself be 'another caregiver down'. That would help no-one.  ((hugs))

M1

please don't quit posting.  Let us know what happens.  There are many of us here who have travelled the same path and are still on it.  Asking for help and facility care is not the end of the world, I promise.

GothicGremlin

FloydSnax, I am so very sorry.  I'm with the others here - please don't beat yourself up. You've done so much to care for your mom, under the horrible conditions we all know so well.

You're not a dick, and you haven't failed your mom. You know your limitations, and that's important. Whether your mom is moving to a memory care facility or staying with your sister and/or niece, it's okay. And I'll tell you, I placed my sister in memory care and I've never regretted it (I know my limitations too). Peggy's as happy as she can be at this stage, and that's what counts. I hope the same holds true for your mom.

And like M1 says, please come back when you're ready. Take a break, get some rest, and then let us know how you and your mom are doing.

mommyandme (m&m)

Oh my…you are a true warrior, fighting for your moms life and yours!  Being honest with yourself for your mom is not a failure.  The long haul may find you back here. I hope you’ll post as your experiences can help others and I like to hear from you.  You may find room later, in yourself, to help your sis out in some way.  Once a caregiver always a….. ssshhhhh

Take all the time you need for you and take good care and …. there’s no time or place for guilt on this journey.