My story and ? about Gaurdenship

Bppeaches01

I am so glad I found this site. My parents were together for 40 years, until April 22, 2022 @4:13 pm when my mother lost her 3 year fight with stage 4 lung & pancreatic cancer.  Two weeks before mom past away, my dad was in the hospital for 4 days with pneumonia. We initially thought he was having another stroke but soon found out he had dementia and pneumonia. Looking back there were signs of the dementia but with mom's fatal diagonsis we didn't see them. I helped take care of mom during her fight and was her primary caregiver when she came home on Hospice in Jan. 2022. Mom however had always been dad's caregiver, she handled everything. So naturally I had to step into that roll for dad. His mom also had Alzheimers, so he knows a little about the disease.  But there is so much we had no clue about and the doctors were not able to prepare us.  We have learned more from this group than we have from our research and talking to many doctors, etc. Dad thought it would only affect his memory. I noticed drastic behavioral changes but didn't know it was the Alzheimers. I talked to his therapist who tried explaining it was the Alzheimers but it still didn't make sense until I read everyone else's stories. So thank you so much for sharing your experiences.  

My father has been a life long addict, 1st alcohol, then gambling and alcohol, then pills (pain and nerve). He finally quit drinking after he had been drunk for a month his sugar went up to 400 and something causing a stroke. By then though he had already had a 10 year pill addiction. About 4 months prior to his dementia diagonsis my sister and I finally got him to enroll in a Suboxone clinic. Right now I don't have POA or guardenship, but I do have control of his medicine (most days). He accuses me of stealing them, selling them, etc. He has even called the police on me. Of course nothing came of it but my siblings and I have put up cameras and started log books that dad has to sign showing he receives every dose of medicine. He constantly believes that we (his children) are all conspiring against him. He refuses to except his diagonsis. He has broke into my room inorder to steal his narcotic medicine (suboxone). Last week he swtiched pharmacies and then blocked me from having access. He had the prescription for 4 hours and had already taken 5 pills, he is only prescribed 2 a day. He claims he dropped them in the floor but doesn't remember if it was in my sisters bathroom or kitchen. Either way we never found them so we know he took them. He has called the department of aging and told them I was stealing his money and medicine and that I was abusing him. They sent in APS, of course they ruled it was all unfounded. He says some of the most horrible vial things to me. He tells me he wishes I had died instead of my mom. He says vulgar inappropriate things that I won't even repeat. He has always been a self centerd aggressively mean/violent person. But he as he got older it seemed to get better until mom past away and then it got way worse. I called APS in April of 2022 trying to get help and that was useless. The social worker that came said dad was in his right mind and we couldn't stop him from over taking his medicine if thats what he wanted to do. I have been fighting to get some kind of help for a year now. The only income we have is dad's SS check which is only $1002 a month. I had a part time job but my car broke down a month ago. So I don't have the money to hire a lawyer and to file for guardenship. An dad refuses to give POA to anyone because his mom gave him POA when she was diagnosised and he talked he into taking out a mortgage on her house for $20,000 he was supposed to pay it back but of course he didn't an she lost her house. He had a test done a few days ago that is supposed to tell us forsure whether its Alzheimers or VD and how far progressed it is. We are hoping that will help him except the diagnosis. During that appointment he told the doctor he it Spet. 1993.  He accuses me of stealing his money even though the rent is paid, utilities paid, he has cigerettes, etc. I keep all receipts and reconcile his acct monthly. I go over all the money stuff with him every month. Through all this I have been so angry and confused because I didn't know if it was the disease causing it or if it was just his natural horrible self, especially when it comes to the medicine stuff. He has been an addict for so long and abused pills so much. 

If anyone knows of any legal assistance program that helps family get gaurdenship please let me know. I have spoke with KY legal aid and the one for elderly people but they don't help with gaurdenship. 

There is an obvious gap between elderly peoples needs and the legal field. It should not be this hard to keep our famiy members safe. 

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Bppeaches01

Thank You Victoria2020, I have thought alot about what what the future looks like. An it is so faustrating right now because I am honestly stuck. Dad is at that stage in the disease were he still seems very normal to people out side of the family and his life long General Practitioner (doctor). Up untill recently I was told by APS and other doctors that we would most likely not be granted gaurdenship, because dad was in this middle stage where he still had enough of his brain function to seem okay and behind the scene be very dangerous for himself an those who live with him aka me. Since he doesn't think there is anything wrong and that he can take care of himself he will not even talk about a care facility/ nursing home, and since we don't have POA or gaurdenship nobody can make him. So I am left with two really bad options- 1. leave and let him get badly hurt or die (He is also a diabetic and has caught his trash can on fire multpile times over the last year) or 2. stay and deal with the madness and pray that when he calls the police or APS the person who shows up cares enough to listen and find out whats really going on. 

There are additional issues with a care facility/ nursing home, dad takes suboxone to deal with his opiod addiction and nursing homes will not allow him to continue taking it. They instead want to put him back on the pain pills. An he smokes on average 5 packs of cigerettes a day, and nursing homes won't allow him to smoke. Knowing all this dad will never go willingly. 

 Thankfully since dad did watch his mother progress through this disease, he knows deep down what it looks like past the ealry stages of it. An we have talked about the game plan when the time comes that he isn't able to remember anymore or he requires someone to bathe him and he can't go to the bathroom on his own. He understands that I am not equipped to handle all that and he doesn't want his daughter to have to bathe him or change his pullups. 

As for my future, income, etc. I am more worried right now about dad being safe. When the time comes I will hit the ground running and figure it out. I worked as a freelance bookkeeper and small business consultant prior to leaving to care for mom. My plan was to get a caregiver coming in at least part time so I could return to work soon. Dad was approved for the HCB waiver, but it took them a year to find one caregiver in our area. She worked 2 days 3 hours each day and then didn't show up again. So we found a friend of mom's who said she would do it. But she calls in and/or switches her days constantly. I spoke to her a few weeks ago and explained that I need her to show up and stick to the days so I could go back to work, that when she calls in I then have to call in. She called in the very next day, then the next week she called in again twice, then this past week she didn't come in at all. 

Now that I know its not dad's choice to behave this way I can detach my own feelings and hopefully we will be able to get along better going forward. If anyone has advise on how to not take my dad's comments about me or to me so personal I would gladly try it. 

Anonymousjpl123

What I will say first is that I’m so sorry you are going through this. And your father is very very lucky to have you. And that it does sound like you are doing all of the right things trying to care for him. I will say that as you know, this disease will progress so I would plan for when things do escalate to where it is obvious to all including APS that he needs more care than you can give, and you are able to get guardianship. If he’s not willing to give you POA there is not much more you can do. 

I will say that as someone caring for a parent with severe issues - such that half of my siblings haven’t had anything to do with her for their adult lives - you are under NO OBLIGATION to take abuse. Please be sure to keep yourself safe. Along with the groups Victoria share maybe al anon could help. 

Take care and please let us know how things go. 

oehlsena

Hello, I wanted to tell you that you are so strong for staying with your dad through all of this... hopefully the evaluation that he had done recently will help his doctor to make decisions in your favor for guardianship. It sounds to me as though he is definitely a danger to his own safety what with setting the trash on fire multiple times, and a danger to your wellbeing.

Iris L.

Bppeaches01 wrote:

  He refuses to except his diagonsis. 

You have to accept that he has anosognosia.  You cannot work with it, you have to learn the work-arounds that the members talk about.  He will never accept the dx because of the anosognosia. It will help you to stop trying to convince him or expecting his cooperation.

Members talk about waiting for a crisis.  Prepare yourself ahead of timsowith Plan B so you will have some options when the authorities contact you. 

Iris L.

Bppeaches01

I actually just came across that word- anosognosia in another thread. I googled it and printed out the information for myself and my siblings. It explains so much of what I have been experiencing. After reading about it I created signs and put up through out the apartment that say Stop, breathe & stay calm!!!!! Remember it's the disease. I will forever be grateful that I found this site and for everyone on here because for the last 6 months or so I thought maybe I was going crazy. 

elhijo

Bppeaches01, call the ALZ help line. They have a list of lawyers that can help but not sure if one is in your area. To be sure though, guardianship costs money but it never hurts to ask. Here in the State of Florida you cannot ever be arrested, have to pass a background check, and have legal representation. You can't do it by yourself. And you also have to file paperwork each year with the court via your lawyer. Best of luck to you. Stay strong.

Bppeaches01

Update- I was finally able to connect with a lady that works with the Department of Gaurdianship ( I didn't even know we had such a Department). I was also able to find the KY Guardianship Associations Manual for Guardians and Conservators. I have found out alot the last few days. In Frankfort at least the County Prosecutor represents the Petitioner in Guardianship cases so no need to hire an attorney. This next on works for any legal forms being filed not just Guardianship- If you are low income you can fill out the AOC- 026 form Motion for Waiver of Costs and Fees and to proceed in forma pauperis, and court system will waive the filing fee. It has been an extremely rough week so I was extremely grateful to finally feel like I was making some kind of progress.