How I feel one year after DH's death

LadyTexan

DH died 1 year ago yesterday. It feels odd.

One year is a fairly standard metric for measuring time, but it does not feel real. I remember his death as if it were yesterday. I feel the loss and despair of multiple life times. My heart ache is acute. The brain fog remains.

I move forward with sadness that he is gone and with tremendous gratitude that we shared our life and our love.

I also feel an impending emptiness. Up until yesterday, I could reflect on what DH and I were doing a year ago. I cannot do that anymore because he was not physically here a year ago.

I am unsettled. I feel many emotions deeply and the emotions change faster than Texas weather.

Ed1937

Lady, I could have written most of what you did, but I haven't made it to a year yet. That won't happen till June.

But I have a lot to be thankful for. We grew old together, and had a good marriage. I think of myself as hitting the lottery when I met her.

I guess I did not expect her death to be so hard for me because after all, she had dementia. She never made it to stage 7 because she died unexpectedly, well into stage 6. So even though I miss her terribly, I'm glad she did not have to endure stage 7, where she would probably be now.

BTW, that's a great pic of you two. Here's one of my wife and me about 8 months after we got married. She was 18, and I was 20. Quality is not very good, but it's what I have.

LadyTexan

Lovely picture Ed!

caberr

I remember you both from the spouse caregiver forum. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and wife. It is such a deep hurt.

Lady Texan, you gave so many positive points during your time as a caregiver. I would always try to find something positive.

Ed, you also gave lots of good advice which helped me in so many situations.

It will be 6 months in June since my husband passed away. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in May of 2018 after years of testing and diagnosis of depression, mild cognitive impairment, dementia, then finally Alzheimer's.

He went downhill so fast the last 6 months of his life. He was in the hospital before being admitted to the enhanced care facility with my hopes he would be moved to the memory care unit. I would spend hours with him every day hoping he would "snap out of it". It took a while for me to realize it wouldn't happen.

We were married for 51 years and together during HS. He was a loving, caring man and we lost him long before he passed. This disease made him into someone he wasn't.

I think of him every day and I remember the good husband and father he was. I feel lost and still can't believe he is gone forever.

Thank you both for all your support during our Alzheimer's journey and I am glad I found this site. This is us in October 2021 at our 50th anniversary party the kids threw for us. It was a lot for him, but he was so happy. He was placed in July 2021.

LadyTexan

Beautiful picture caberr!

jfkoc

Oh, to have just one more dance

LovingAwareness

I am glad to see all of you. I have not been back to this forum since my Dad passed in November of 2022. He passed fairly suddenly, after being sick for about three weeks. He was doing very well in his memory care facility for about 8 months before he got ill. My brother and I had been caring for him in his home, until he became so withdrawn and started falling down and forgetting how to eat by himself, and we knew it was time. He rebounded and became much more active and engaged in memory care, and we thought he would have more time there than he did. But he got sick in October and on Halloween was hospitalized with aspiration pneumonia. While he was in the hospital, they found cancer in his lungs and discovered that it had metastasized to his skull. He went back to his memory care on hospice and only lived for about another week.

We have been trying to handle his affairs, prepare his house for sale and make decisions about his many belongings, but it is like moving through molasses. I want to move on and restart my life (I also retired from work shortly before Dad got sick), but I also don't want to leave him behind and forget him. I think that's part of feeling stuck. Being here in his house feels like purgatory, yet I don't want to leave. I dream of Dad frequently... "Oh, you're alive!"... and usually in the dream I realize at some point that he is really gone or not there. I argue with myself in the dream. "He's not really here. He's Dad." "No, he's here. Look. He's right in front of you." Sometimes my Mom is there too, and she died 11 years ago. So I'm not sure if you ever stop dreaming about them.

Time doesn't mean what it used to mean. I'm not pressured by time, and that feels better. I lost Dad. I lost work right before I lost Dad. I can't believe so much time has passed already. I feel like I did important work, taking care of him. I feel like I'm doing important work now, but I don't know what it is. When I was taking care of him, I knew what that was.

[Deleted User]

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PRC

Well, here goes.

I lost my DW in March after 5-6 years as her caretaker and I still feel completely lost and overwhelmed by grief. As many times as I read from those who say they feel grateful and happy for the times spent together I've never had that. Objects and memories around the house trigger sadness, not thankfulness. In fact, I feel nothing but emptiness and heartbreak. I really don't give a damn about anything anymore. I still get out of bed, eat breakfast, take a shower, tidy the house then sit idle watching TV reruns or self-medicating into near oblivion.

The suggestions of getting out, joining a club, meeting new people do not interest me. I'm not a churchgoer and usually I find the prospect of 'mingling' with people unsettling if not actually terrifying. I won't invite anyone over because I do not want to feel trapped in my own home. I used to have a nice yard and a garden but caring for DW left me exhausted, the yard is shot and my garden gone to seed.

For the last 8 years it's been rancid politics, she cracked a vertebra and a couple of ribs in a fall, then COVID, Alzheimer's, a broken hip, shingles and now she's gone. My DW had some terrible last few years on earth.

I do not know how to deal with this or how to 'reset' myself but I know I need to. Or should I just try to hang on for another 6-months, hope that passing of time helps and try to make it through?

Anyone else gone thru something like this? The usual remedies and suggestions don't seem to be helping.

(BTW, this was not easy to write, at all. Glad it's anonymous. Guess I just needed to purge)

fmb

@PRC

I am so sorry about the loss of your DW. I have no advice to offer about how to cope with the grief. Please know that you are heard and that someone cares.

Unfortunately, you have commented on an old post, and this section of the forum, "Supporting Those who have Lost Someone" doesn't get much traffic.

I would suggest that you repost your comment as a new post in the "Caring for a Spouse or Partner" section of the forum. There are a number of members who have lost their spouse who still read and comment. They may be able to offer the help you need.

LadyTexan

Hello @PRC

I can relate to what you are saying. The feelings of grief and sadness are so consuming sometimes that I forget to breath. Losing my DH Jesse has been more painful and difficult than I ever could have imagined.

I am glad you posted. I know it was not easy. But I was told it helps to share and I trust that to be so.

I went to a grief support group and I now see a grief counselor one on one. Those two things are helpful to me. I know people grieve in different ways.

To answer your question yes, I frequently go through what you are going through. I am sorry this is happening to us both. Please keep posting and know you are not alone.

GothicGremlin

Hi @PRC

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your wife.

March was not that long ago, so this is all new and terrible. I lost my sister to Alzheimer's and fronto-temporal dementia (FTD) also in March.

It's different losing a spouse and losing a younger sibling, they're just not the same thing. But getting a therapist really helped me. Actually, I got her long before my sister passed away, and she was always there for me. She helped me through the difficult first months after Peggy died. I still have a hard time talking about Peggy in the past tense.

I second @LadyTexan 's use of a grief counselor. That was going to be my next step, if I needed to.

The other thing I did that really helped was exercise. No need to go to a gym - youtube will do very nicely. Find something that speaks to you. There are a lot of things you can do at home with no weights required. I absolutely hear you about "mingling." I don't find it terrifying, but I find it exhausting.

@LadyTexan I love that photo of you and Jesse.

feelsad

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/220814#Comment_220814

Same feelings exactly. I've retired from work because my brain is not in the right place. It's getting even worse with passing of time while I realize now slowly that she's gone forever.

But something needs to be done to get through it asap…

ThisLife

@feelsad I commented on another post, but I would like to add the suggestion to see your PCP. You may benefit from medication in the short term for relief in this acute phase.

tetwoman

PRC - I also lost my love in March - next week will be 6 months. I find myself sometimes just sitting and staring at nothing. I often feel emotionally numb. I have to force myself to accomplish something - anything each day. As time has gone on, it seems to be getting harder - I miss him more and more. Some stress related ailments have gotten better and some are hanging on. But this grief thing that we are all going through is hard work. I started going to a bereavement group that meets once a month. Shockingly I feel better after going- and I was quite skeptical.

I am slowly doing some things to expand my world - joined a book club ( also once a month) cause I can certainly read.

I want to tell you that you are grieving the way you should for you. It’s different for everyone. But sharing your feelings is a good start - you share the load and for at least a little while it is not as heavy.