first time caregiver

Angelbaby87

i need some tips (anything you can think of) im a first time caregiver for a lady with dementia.i have no experience what so ever,but got hired anyway.this is my 2nd week and im honestly wanting to quit.this is the most stressful and overwhelming job i have ever had.when she has a bad moment and cussing me out or being very hateful,i have been taking everything personal.i know she cannot help it,bless her heart,but im extremely exhausted because i feel like im holding alot in and want to scream and pull my hair out..im doing great at everything else..i just need some advice on how to not take it personal...any tips would help alot..thank you

Arrowhead

My wife was diagnosed almost 7 years ago. Many suggested the book "The 36 Hour Day". I bought it and read it and now recommend it. Also, keep using this forum. Talk to people you know. I was surprised by how many people I know who have experience with this. Just having someone you can talk to who understands can be a big help just by the listening to you.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Hello, welcome to here! I'm so sorry to hear that this isn't going well for you.

Do you know what is causing her bad moments? I know for my mom, she gets irritated when she's bothered by something she can't articulate about. I usually go through a list of things that she could need. When was the last drink she had, last time she ate, last had a bowel movement (she gets really nasty when constipated!), last time she slept. Sometimes she's cold or too hot and I'll try my best to add or remove layers if she's okay with it. Sometimes she needs to do something with her hands and I give her something to fold, rummage through, or to tear apart.

You say it's your second week. How many days and how long have you been with her? Who hired you? If you haven't been with her for an extended amount of time, she could be uneasy about a new face. See if you can talk to your employers about anything they can recommend about the woman you're tending to or any other tips. I personally hate it when the agency we use send first timers to us; it's really unfair to the new folks! [Edit: I've seen your other posts and now understand you're a live-in aid for a whole week on, one off. That's a lot for anyone. See if you can get a second person to cover some of your shift or figure out how to get more "you time."]

It's good that you understand that people with dementia have trouble regulating their emotions; usually it's all or nothing isn't it? I've seen others saying "thank you" to such comments which tends to give the PWD pause and that could be enough to switch them out of "I'm hurt and scared and need to lash out" mode to "I want to interact with my surroundings better."

Also, if you're able, take a step back when her words start to hurt you. Take a deep breath and breathe out slowly a few times and try again with a smile.

Good luck!

Angelbaby87

ARROWHEAD:

thank you...ill definitely check it out.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble:

i don't know what happened to the former caregivers,all i know is me and Kristi are both new with her.i spend 6 24/7 hour days with her then when im off,kristi works her week.i work 6 days on and 7 off.both of us are new to this company and i have experience on being a sitter at nursing home.just keeping lady comfortable/tv/ feeding thats it.comfortable by talking but she never understood what i was saying and always screaming for her son.it was very sad.im stuck in this situation.my company only does live in w one caregiver week on and week off.i was holding alot in from day one and finally broke down crying my first day off while talking to a friend that knows about what i experience at work.i feel alot better and im learning alot even about myself.i started calling her out and in a sweet tone saying "u dont have to be ugly towards me" she then says "am i ? im so sorry" then back to a good mood.thank god.i didn't want to do it like that but it works.and walking away is now working.she wasn't used to me the first week so she would follow me in every room but the last 2 days she will give it couple minutes then follow.im new and getting the hang of it.and no my company is wrong for hiring someone w no experience at all.i think the other caregiver has experience bc ive never heard of her having a hard time w her

Shan

Welcome, and thank you for reaching out for help. Because you are sticking it out and trying to find solutions for your difficult client instead of quitting on her is a testament to you and shows you are exactly the type of caring provider each of us on this forum with a LO with dementia would love to find to care for our LO. So please don’t give up on her yet

My 83 year old mom has been diagnosed with dementia and here are some suggestions that seem to help with her agitation and difficult behaviors that you could try. The first step is always to try to prevent bad behavior before it starts. My mom needs a set routine and lots of busy activities to occupy her broken brain. Simple puzzles, coloring, walks, short phone calls with family members, funny tv shows, looking through old photo albums, listening as I read parts of a favorite book to her, listening to and dancing to music, folding clothes and towels even if not done correctly, simple card or board games, simple craft projects, simple baking projects. Anything you can get her to do to keep her brain engaged in positive activities and thoughts leaves less time for difficult behavior and serves to strengthen her positive feelings about you so she can start to trust you. Gaining and keeping her trust will help a lot.

No matter how hard you try to avoid conflict, the nature of this disease makes that impossible, so you also need to understand how her brain does and doesn’t work to get through difficulties and gain her cooperation. There are many very good books on understanding dementia and how to provide care for someone with dementia because it is a very different skill than caring for those with healthy brains; they just can’t think rationally or logically anymore, and their attention span and control of their emotions is like a toddler. It is impossible and not at all helpful to try to reason with them out of a behavior or to get them to comply with something you need them to do. You have to develop a new way of thinking through situations yourself. For instance if I want my mom to change her shirt because it’s dirty, if I tell her it’s dirty let’s change your shirt and she says “ oh this shirt is fine”, no matter how logical I get even pointing out all the visible dirt spots won’t work with her brain. Instead, if I bring her two clean shirts and say “these are so pretty, which one do you like?” When she picks one I say “ that’s my favorite too. Can you try it on and show me how it looks on you?” I can usually get her to happily do what I want without making it a battle. For meal time if I say “are you hungry, what do you want to eat”, that is a recipe for an argument because one often dementia reduces their ability to feel hunger and two even if she’s hungry she will probably get frustrated because trying to figure out what she wants and communicate it to me is beyond her abilities. So instead, if I say “Mom, it’s lunch time would you like a ham sandwich or tuna sandwich?” that is a much easier question for her to answer and I avoid a fight about trying to get her to eat.

Also, you will need to develop a skill for telling little lies. On this forum we like to call them fiblets. My mom is in MC and often asks us she she can go home. We know that will never be an option, but telling her that would be cruel. So instead we tell her not today, but we will talk to your doctor about it at the next visit. She also still has her small lap dog with her and often obsesses about him eating. Even though we know staff controls his food and feeds him the correct about 3 times a day I usually get a frantic call from her after dinner begging me to bring him food because he hasn’t eaten all day. It doesn’t work to explain that I know he’s eaten just fine today because if she doesn’t think he did, no amount of logic or reason will change her mind. We’ve tried a feeding chart where she can check boxes after he eats as a visual reminder, videos of him eating to show her he ate, nothing works when her brain starts obsessing about it. So instead i say “it’s almost bedtime now so I can’t bring food tonight. I’ll bring some tomorrow when I visit.” By morning she will be busy with the daily routine and she won’t even remember that I promised to bring food and all will be fine until after dinner when the process repeats. It may sound cruel to lie,, but really, as long as what you are lying about is just to sooth their fears and give them the comfort they can’t find on their own, it’s actually the best thing to do in that moment.

Another very important part of caring with someone with dementia is they are very good at reading body language, facial expressions and even tone of voice, at least my mom is. If I can stay positive, upbeat, calm, patient and smile even when I’m at my breaking point, getting her to stay happy and cooperative is much easier than if I forget and let myself act in less positive ways.

I hope you are able to find the resources you need to continue to grow your care giving skills so you can become a trusted care giver to your difficult client. She’s sad, lonely, scared and really needs a provider that can ride it out with her. If you quit, it’s going to be that much harder for the next one to gain her trust and work it out. You obviously are a caring, great provider already or you wouldn’t still be looking for ways to make it work.

Angelbaby87

thank you so much with the wonderful ideas and thoughts...im.currently waiting on her son to buy us everything i need for new activities like sewing cards for kids, matching card game, stuff for sticker album.we have colored and are colored out ..its like her son wont listen and buy us caregivers what we need to make our days go by quicker and less stressful...we need new coloring books...shes in middle stage dementia,has very bad anxiety,her meds dont help,bad insomnia...so her attention span is very short...we listen to her favorite music until she gets tird of it...go for walks ..im doing everything right...even the little lies ..im having a problem w it stressing me out... when her anxiety is bad mine gets bad...i have been taking it personally when she has an episode and cussing me out.i dont do well under pressure so my body language and tone changes... And yes she noticies it very well....ive tried to hide it..if her son would hurry up and buy everything i need then it wouldn't be so bad...we have made Jewlery with beads but she had an episode... today is just a bad day for us.and yes i have grown to care for her and love her...she is a wonderful person and when shes doing good we bond...but when it's bad..its really bad...thank you for reaching out with all the helpful ideas and positive comments...i really appreciate it xo

Angelbaby87

the main and really only problem im having is i feel like im not doing a good job at work when she has an episode...i don't really think about she can't help it and its the disease...i wish i could prevent her from having these horrible episodes but i can't and that bothers me

Shan

im not sure if you’re still at the same position with the same client since you last posted, but either way, when you’re working with a PWD you can’t control your clients bad episodes, no matter how hard you try or how much experience you have, it’s just the nature of the disease. You can try to reduce the episodes in number and severity based on your approach and how you respond at the onset. But not being able to stop them completely is not a reflection on you or the care you are providing. My mom is in MC, and one of her care providers is nick named “the dementia whisperer” because she is very skilled working even with difficult residents. But even she has problems with my mom at times and I get called in to try to help get mom to cooperate. And that’s not because I’m an expert either, that’s also the nature of the disease. Sometimes my mom is much better with her care providers and sometimes she’s better with me. I share this information with you to help you not take it personally when she acts out in your care. The best thing you can do for your clients is to research the disease so you have a good tool box of reactions and phrases and demeanor so when she acts up you have the tools to hopefully de-escalate her behavior before she becomes too uncontrollable. And because most PWD are anxious and scared and grieving the loss of control of their lives, even though they can’t communicate that verbally anymore, their acting out behavior shows you their inner fears and pains. Providers that can become an expert on both the disease and their client(s) are invaluable to the clients and their families. And the ones that can hang in there and are able to gain the clients and families trust are so needed. I hope you continue caring enough to learn. The dementia community really needs good providers like you who care enough to keep going when it gets hard - because caring for our LO’s is often very hard.