Refusal to shower

BookBuffBex

My mom has not showered in about 2 years!!! She 'washes around'/sponge bathes, but isn't washing her hair and probably other body parts get missed. She's been in AL since November 2022, but they can't force her to bathe.

Her short term memory is gone, she resets every 15-30 minutes (completely forgets whatever conversation was just had, and decisions that were made, etc). Most of the time, she thinks it's 20 years ago and that's the routine she thinks she is keeping, even though the environment is different. She truly believes that she is showering. No matter what I say, she tells me she'll do it "tomorrow", but of course tomorrow never comes.

She's not one for fancy soaps or candles or anything like that. Any other suggestions for getting an extremely stubborn, resistant person to shower? TIA

CaliforniaGirl-1

What we did about the hair, was arrange for mom to visit the beauty parlor on site every week for a shampoo and blow out. It is a treat for her and she feels like she is being treated like a independent person.

Make sure the care giver trying to shower your mom is female. Some people don't care but many older ladies really do. None of the solutions suggested really worked for us and of course you can't negotiate or reason it out. What has worked out somewhat is that there is one caregiver my mom likes who has succeeded in getting mom to shower, mostly. But even now, sometimes she refuses and they try again the next day. Eventually they succeed. It is always going to be a process but the AL/MC units are used to it.

If it is any comfort, this is a very, very common issue and you will never be able to convince her that she is not showering herself every day.

Anjali Sunita

This is my first day to the forum and I’m rife with grief today. Seeing this post I can relate and it’s one of many issues. I’m living with my mom right now and struggle with the shower. The hot and cold handles are very confusing for her and she gets impatient and goes around to every extreme. Even being her daughter she is worried about modesty sometimes when I go in to fix the dial. So I don’t have permanent solutions as fhe variety of phobias and issues that cause this from hot and cold to time warp to fear of hair falling out … when I am successful it’s when I’m able to match the right phobia to the day. Sometimes I say come on I’ll make the water toasty, we will get it over with and I’ll warm the towels on this heater. Sometimes I say I bought her a special no hair fall shampoo all the way from New Zealand that will even make her hair grow. Sometimes I turn on the water and say oops the water is already on, let’s not waste water. Sometimes I pair it with the potential of seeing my dad that day (rarely happens/ her ex husband of several decades). Sometimes I say it’s the day of the week that we always do it (that’s also not true but… sometime like it’s Sunday our weekly shower day). Sometimes I wait till she is smiling and happy and just turn on the shower and see if I can get her in it even tho I know the moment will change. I have said a million other things that haven’t worked once so I’ll leave them out. Truth is it’s so painful that I don’t push it like I used to. This is really a thing and as you know wirh this disease there isn’t a one sized fits all approach. All I can say is see if you can come up to a solution to the fear du jour. Bucket baths are not a bad thing and I’m sure we are not terribly far off from that. Will have to get some space heaters tho because my mom hates to be cold.

QuincyLF

It's a journey for sure. My father hadn't showered for a year either, until we placed him in MC. They were able to shower him within a week (but 5 caregivers had to assist). My mom cried with joy that he was finally able to shower. He has been in MC for just about a year - and now he gets a shower twice a week - and only 2 aides need to help. He got used to the routine.

CanyonGal

We used tape on the shower handle and the wall or shower rim to match where the water was her temperature, and we had a heater in the bathroom so it was like a sauna (I needed a shower to cool off). Mom's skin is thin so it cools quickly and she gets cold. Having a overly warm room, warm towels, and warm shower worked.

The tape was the sticky tape tennis players use on the racket handles. We wrapped grab bars with it as well.

CaliforniaGirl-1

Just an update so you know you are not alone. I don't want to give the impression our trying to get my LO to shower issues are in the past. I just heard that she refused again and got angry when the caregiver said she was just going to be in there with her, in case she needed help.

She just doesn't believe she isn't showering by herself, on her own, on a regular basis. And she finds any suggestion that she doesn't or that she needs help insulting. If I try and discuss it with her she gets very upset, because she simply doesn't believe me and finds the idea that she needs help demeaning.

But eventually they will get her showered, it may take a few days but she eventually agrees. At least her hair is getting washed on a regular basis (on site beauty parlor).

But by and large she is getting showered. It is a common issue and you are not alone in this.

It is definitely not a one size fits all situation

JustPyrfect

Feeling your concern & frustration! My mom also believes that she has showered "just yesterday". She refuses all help from home health caregivers, but I cant force her to do anything and ufortunately we now need 2 people to assist. And It saddens me to say, that since I have been dealing with this myself for over a year, I'm tired - if she doesn't want to shower then ok - We try again another day - or not

grit30

I am also new to this forum and in the same boat!! My mom refuses to shower and tells me she will "tomorrow". She of course doesn't and says " I will when I feel like it" my mother,also insists on setting up her own meds. She Forgets that she takes them and takes more. She lives with my dad and he has to lock them up. She is constantly mad at my dad for not having access to her meds "your taking away my independence" Very frustrating

Stressed Out Daughter

Hi ! I’m new here too! I think you all are amazingly dedicated! Thanks for sharing your experiences and insights! Whew.

Though the shower battle is just one of many challenges, I wonder WHY it’s such a common issue among dementia sufferers. Does anyone know ? Could the process seem frightening, tiring, intimidating ? And if so, perhaps there’s a way to ‘fix’ that?

My dad (87) is in MC with my mom (she’s more physically than cognitively challenged). Dad has never had a real diagnosis, but he now just has a few minutes’ worth of memory at a time. He can’t remember if he just stepped out of the shower, or it’s been weeks, but he doesn’t seem to care!

Whenever the topic comes up (2X weekly shower days), his upbeat and calm refusai is, “I’m not dirty”!

He probably requires minimal help (uses a walker), but he’s against it whether he’s assisted by a male, female, or no aide.

My mother nags him, tries to ‘sell’ the idea, mentioning the soothing hot water. He typically strives to make her happy, but doing it to appease her doesn’t work either.

He gives in probably half of the time, but I wonder if he’ll become more opposed to bathing with time….?

We all have bigger issues to worry about (activity, depression, socialization, pain, dignity…)

but this one is so weirdly universal !

I don't know if I’m I was answering/ asking/ commiserating, or just venting! But thanks for ‘listening’!

Turtles50

This is the 2nd time I have been on this forum, and I basically have the same problem as many I have read about a parent showering and washing her hair. One minute she is all for a shower and by the time she gets up to do it she has changed her mind and says she doesn't need a shower. Also that I don't know what she needs and can't tell her what to do. Around and around we go. I have been struggling with this for over a year now and it is starting to get to me. I have tried just forgetting it for a while and trying again later, but same result. All your posts are helpful and I have tried many of the suggestions with little success. Thank you all

mommyandme (m&m)

My mom was pretty agreeable to things. It’s scary and uncomfortable to shower for many. She’d do it but started fainting so we had to resort to bed baths. We used no rinse soaps too at times. If you YouTube Teepa Snow and Dementia Careblazers on the bathing issues they may give you some good ideas about why this happens and how to hopefully remedy it.

im sorry you find yourself here but this is a very supportive place. Keep coming back.

elhijo

Hello BookBuffBex

Thank you for posting your question. I've taken care of my mom for 5 years now. She's still a tough, feisty granny with a lot life left in her, but she also hates showering. Over the years I've learned to ask why, flat out ask why, and ask why again. About 1/3 of the time I get an answer. She finally told me she would shower but only with a block of wood, meaning a shower bench. So I got her one. And I got her one with a seatbelt. She basically was afraid of falling and just couldn't verbalize this. One thing that helps is that even if she says no, I still bring her to the shower and have a chair she can sit on and I explain to her what I'm doing as I'm doing it. So I tell her I'm bringing in the towels, and that the water is hot. She is afraid of cold water, so I make sure to tell her and reassure her that the water is warm over and over again. Then I bring out the shower bench and explain what it's for. So every step of the preparation is explained to her over and over again calmy as I do it.

Also I turn on the heat and bring the temperature to about 80-81 degrees. This is warm enough so she doesn't feel cold much throughout the showering process. If you get a bench chair, don't unwrap the plastic completely as those things aren't returnable after you use them. Check with the seller/Amazon/etc. if you can at least assemble it and if so, will they take a refund if it doesn't fit. I think the Cadillac of these shower bench chairs are the ones that swivel. They're nice but pricey $$$ so check with the seller to see exactly under what conditions they will take a refund - and get it in writing. Some of those things costs like $400.

Best of luck to you and your mom.

Warm regards from the Sunshine State