Moving to Fl to be near mom's memory care facility?

SteveNYC

My mom has been in a memory care facility in Florida for over 3 years. The dementia continues to take its toll on her mentally but aside from breaking her hip she's in good physical shape. I manage things from NYC and go down for 4 days at least once a month. In addition to the staff she has a private aide during her waking hours. I do a 30-minute video call with her daily and my sister who lives in the state sees her every weekend. Still, I can't help but feel like I should be down there physically checking in on her each day. I am in pre-retirement and can work from anywhere, I just prefer to do it from NYC. I am seriously considering getting an apartment near her (which is pretty expensive) and that would be my new life. I'd keep my apartment in NY, but the majority of my time would be down there. My sister thinks I'm crazy. She says our mom is fine. I know that she is, but I can't get past her being without family present on a daily basis.

M1

Hi Steve. I'd think long and hard before you make such a big move, of course. Who has power of attorney for your mother? I'm hoping it's your sister, since she is the one who lives close. Recognize that the one with power of attorney controls the decision-making when the rubber meets the road.

My partner is in memory care and has no sense of time at all. This is a mercy for her, as there are not many people available to visit--I try to go once or twice a week, but cannot go by myself because I trigger her wanting to leave the facility. I tell you this because i think we on the outside feel bad about not visiting or being there on a daily basis, but your absence (and your presence for that matter) may mean less than you think. Not trying to talk you out of it, but I would think long and hard, and talk in depth with your sister as well as the caregivers at the facility.

harshedbuzz

Steve-

It sounds like you have really stepped up under the circumstances for care for your mom.

On one hand, I can appreciate wanting to spend time with your mom while you can enjoy the visits. It may matter more to you than to her. IME, older people tend to do better with IRL visits than interacting with Facetime.

It sounds like you have 2 sets of eyes and ears verifying that care is appropriate to her needs. If you don't, you could hire a geriatric care manager for this purpose. I wonder if it makes more sense to fly down two or three times monthly instead of taking on a second apartment.

I suspect there is no correct answer here.

HB

CanyonGal

You might think of getting a travel trailer to stay in at an rv park or state park nearby. If your sister has room and accepting of the idea, keep the trailer on her property. The trailer can be sold after your use of it ends.

I am in Texas and mom is in FL. We travel with the trailer to visit her several times a year. Renting an apartment is expensive and signing a lease for who knows how long is difficult and hard on finances.

It is hard to leave my mother in the facility with no family nearby but she has lived there for years and the staff know her. I can't do much for her beyond making sure her needs are taking care of and visiting. There is a protective part of us that wants to ensure our parent is safe and happy. You are already doing a lot for her.

terei

It sounds as if your mother is well cared for. Unless you personally want to live in FL, I would not do this.

GemsWinner12

You might actually create more strife for everyone involved in this scenario, including yourself. Please carefully consider the pro's/con's of such a move. I completely understand your "guilt trip" blues, yet also please consider the possibility of your guilt Not being ultimately resolved.

Perhaps in your sibling's point of view, you think that she (sibling) is not doing enough? Or that you're attempting to one-up her in some sort of fashion? These are, of course, just some devil's advocate musings. Your sister has said that she does not wish you to intervene.

What are your ultimate goals? Your Mom will probably pass away before your sister: perchance utilize the stirirrigspoon with caution.