How to place parent in memory care without their consent

EAdipietro

I have been a nurse for 14 years and I have never felt so lost/confused with the medical system. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers in 2020, she also has hypertension and is an insulin dependent diabetic ( VERY brittle). She is constantly in and out of the ER for nausea, secondary to her blood pressure (last time 213/97) and hyperglycemia her HA1c >14 (sugars averaging well over 400 24/7). She continues to refuse to accept her lab work and states that she goes to the ER when she "doesn't feel well" and states she stopped her medications for 1 or 2 days, which is impossible given her labs. She is non complaint and quite honestly insulin is extremely dangerous for her as she has had several hypoglycemic episodes (one causing a severe laceration to her scalp in 2021). During this past admission she was discharged to a SNF(Skilled nursing facility). While the SNF she is at now is extremely clean/private rooms etc, she hates it and refuses to go to "any place like this". Reasoning with her only gets me frustrated and the outcome is always the same, discharge home with home health, she will then "fire" home health stating she doesn't need help at home. While she has been in the SNF I found her home to be completly littered with paper, items and some trash, would take a month to clear out that house, maybe longer. She has "fogotten" to pay the electric bill for several months which resulted them in turning off her power, and I found multiple past due/delinquent bills including the water bill and she never paid her homeowners insurance which lapsed in Feb. I am concerned her home may be on the brink of foreclosure too but not having a DPOA i have no way to look into any of this. I do NOT have power of attorney, she refuses to sign a DPOA (have had that conversation MANY times). I have even gone as far as to call DCF (department of children and families) to report my concerns only to have the case closed for "can't get ahold of daughter" even though, I had spoken with them SEVERAL times and this is completly false...I always answer my phone or call back those who have called. I am at a total loss on what to do with her...I feel somewhat responsible for her health and safety but she has enough cognition left that she cannot be deemed "incompetent". I find myself becoming physically ill from the stress (had a shingles outbreak) and have been forced to call out several times, my job is on the line...if I don't work, I do NOT get paid (I have no PTO OR sick leave). I am looking for advice on what I can do, and maybe there's nothing I can do...I just feel I'll l be held responsible in the end. I don't have excess funds to "bail" her out of debt and myself losing money due to my inability to work is a HUGE stressor in my life to the point I'm becoming resentful.

M1

Welcome to the forum, though sorry for your need to be here. This is a supportive group. You probably need to talk to an attorney about pursuing guardianship. this is more expensive that having an attorney draw up powers of attorney, but the costs should be covered by her estate. Certified elder law attorneys can be found by location at nelf.org. Good luck--

harshedbuzz

I am sorry you are facing this situation.

I agree with M1; it sounds like guardianship (or conservatorship- depends on the state) is your next step.

"I feel somewhat responsible for her health and safety but she has enough cognition left that she cannot be deemed "incompetent".

Given the medical issues, the late utility payments, you are likely to be successful. I don't know whose opinion it is that she cannot be deemed incompetent. When my aunt happened upon her sister is similar circumstances-- minus the diabetes-- she prevailed through the courts under an emergency order initially and then twice permanently in two different states. The judge ordered neurocognitive testing which confirmed my aunt's inability to manage her IADLs and need for a guardian. Legal fees were paid by the PWD's assets.

HB

towhee

I agree, talk to a certified elder law attorney (CELA) nelf.org or if one is not available from that organization try naela.org. Apply for emergency guardianship. We got guardianship for my aunt who did not have medical issues, based somewhat on the fact that she was not able to determine that the fire alarm going off meant there was danger. I think it is very worthwhile to talk to a lawyer ASAP.

I think that this time, with your mother's history of firing the aides, you have a chance of them not discharging her to home. Talk to the doctor and facility social worker and/or director. Lay out her history. Emphasize that you cannot care for her, that she will not be safe at home. Delay discharge as long as possible, maybe the doctor can make it seem as if she does not have much choice, and that going to another facility is temporary. If the power is off at her home they certainly cannot send her back until it is repaired.

While she is out of the house, see if you can make a record of all unpaid bills, and of the condition of the house. See if you can get an idea of her finances, you need to know what she has to work with so the attorney can tell you whether she would be eligible for medicaid. As you are not POA do not take anything out of the house and do not try to access accounts.

House-- Are you concerned that she has not paid the property tax? You probably do not have to be POA to check on this. Here anyone can go online to the tax assessor's website and look up a property by either address or owners name, it will tell you if the tax has been paid, and there is a place to check whether a property is in foreclosure. Even if you do not have an online site you can probably just call. Whether you have paid taxes or not is usually a public record. If you are concerned about the mortgage (if there is one) because of no homeowners insurance, that might be a little more involved.

You certainly do not want her to lose her home, then she would probably completely land on you and without resources at that.

One step at a time, you can do it.